Victorious!!

[ozman]

So AS. Let me clear something up. Brain cancer is a funny thing. Stats said 3.5 years to 17 years. Lol that’s quite a spread. It’s been 7.5 years and I still feel great. I just always have the docs give me worst case scenario. So that is something like 3 years. But who knows right?

Anyways.

So I just got off work. She has been off work for an hour and a half now. She has been about an hour late from work every day this week. I called her yesterday ( legitimate question) and she didn’t answer. You know how I feel about that? Nothing. I feel nothing. And if I do feel something. It’s pity for her. There might be a tiny bit of sadness way down deep there. But it’s way way down there , if it’s there at all. This really is a strange feeling. I don’t know what to make if it. Is it rope drop. Is it over? I don’t know. Make sense?

Do we have a chance if I’m not trying at all? Or is that what gives us a chance? Do I actually care. I do love her. Prolly always will. Should I throw out an ILY or some sort of advance just to see if it blows up In my my face lol!! If it does then oh well. Should I sit her down and ask her if she is in out and go from there?

Should I do nothing and wait for lease to be up. Should I put the moves on. Lol. I feel like for me it’s a win win. Regardless of what happens. Make sense. Is this the whole goal of DBing. To get to this spot?

I feel like I could BD her. But I don’t think I will. That seems mean

[LH19]

Oz,

If you are really ready to pull the plug on it then have the conversation with her.

Tell her in a kind loving way that the relationship hasn’t been working for you over the last 4 months and that you would like to work together on improving the relationship. Listen to what she says and validate her feelings. If she says I would also like to work on it then great set up an appointment with MC. If she says she’s done and doesn’t want to work on it. Validate her feelings and then let her know that you can’t live like this anymore and that discuss amicably divorcing.

You have to be 100% sure you are ready to D because my guess is that’s where you are heading and not following through will only prolong your limbo.

[ozman]

So I threw an ILY out there this morning while she was leaving for work. She about didn’t have time to reply before shutting door. So there was no reply. We will see how she is this evening

I am still willing to work on it. Maybe I am rushing things a touch. But there are really not much for feelings left from me. I guess we will see how it goes

I just want to make the right choices in the mean time. But however it turns out is fine with me. Maybe I should wait till lease is up. Maybe is shouldn’t.


Thoughts on both sides?

[LH19]

Well Oz yesterday you had me convinced you were ready to move on but after today’s post it’s clear you are not.

Here’s what I can tell you. If she’s in an affair which all signs point to right now. Nothing is going to change by January. Even if she’s not you will not likely see any movement.

Speak to a lawyer and start to look into getting your own place. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

[ozman]

LH. Nah my friend. I am ready to move on. I just want to make sure I didn’t explore some option that I should have. Her alibi as her to where she has been also is pretty iron clad. If I needed to pick up some slack where I have slipped than maybe I should wait a while. I’m done. But if she is willing to work on it and I just blow by that opportunity than I would regret it. Does that make sense? Like I’m done. But I’m still willing to give it a shot if she is.

If she is still done after 4 months. Than I’m done too. No sweat.
If she is willing to give it a try than I’m all in

So I figure i have 3 options

1 Start saying ILY again (cause it’s true). And than have a big R talk, sort stuff out. See where she is and go from there. If it’s D great, if it’s R great. But clear the air. Lay it all out in the table. A or no A. Let her know I’m not mad or sad and I’m fine with whatever. Everybody’s showing their hand. There is no dishonesty. Full transparency. If my cancer is too much, that’s ok. I don’t hold it against her. If she doesn’t love me any more. That’s ok too. She has been unsure about our M since it started. The day we got married her dad asked her “are you sure about this”. Her response “I don’t know”. Then they walked down the aisle. Lol. But just be open and honest. Two human beings just being decent to one another. And if it’s over? Call it. I mean her no I’ll will. And to be honest I don’t think she does me either

2 wait till Jan and then do above convo.

3 DB my butt off and see what happens. I am in prime position to do that very well now. Cause I have zero neediness. Cause I am over her

I hope all that made sense.

Also I have no interest in a lawyer. I know my rights. I don’t think she is trying to screw me or take S from me. From where I sit. She is a great mom, she has been a good wife, everything just got too much and she doesn’t know how to handle it.

We couldn’t afford lawyers anyways. I would be for mediation. You know? How civilized people act. That care about each other. But for whatever reason can’t be together

Ok. Lay it on me. Lol

[AnotherStander]

So that is something like 3 years. But who knows right?

Right, no one knows. You could live another 50 years and I could die in an accident on the way home today. I've never been big on the "live every day like it's your last" concept, if I did I would sure not be sitting here at work, hahaha! Better to live assuming you'll be around a while and plan accordingly.

I made it about 3 years before enough was enough and I pushed the D through. It's hard to keep loving someone that doesn't love you back, I did it for a good long while but couldn't continue indefinitely. You do get to the point where you just don't have much feelings or emotions about it anymore. It's not that you quit caring or lose hope, it's that your priorities shift away from this person and onto other people and things. For me I knew when it was time, there weren't any doubts at all.

Do we have a chance if I’m not trying at all? Or is that what gives us a chance?

There's always a chance. After BD, after S, after D, even after decades apart. No one knows the future.

Do I actually care. I do love her. Prolly always will. Should I throw out an ILY or some sort of advance just to see if it blows up In my my face lol!! If it does then oh well.

I would have said no, but I see in a later post that you did and got no response. Not sure why you felt inclined to say that, if you want to temp check her then do it the right way- sit her down, tell her you are ready to move on, ask her if she feels the same and if she does then discuss where to go from there. But again, don't do this unless you are 100% sure that S and or D is what you are ready for.

I am still willing to work on it. Maybe I am rushing things a touch. But there are really not much for feelings left from me. I guess we will see how it goes

You seem like you are all over the place. You don't have feelings, but you do love her. You're done, but you want to say ILY and see what her reaction is. You want to BD her but you're afraid you're not doing enough. So give yourself more time.

[LH19]

Oz,

Like AS said you're all over the board. IMO you have two choices:

1. Continue to detach, 180s and GAL
2. Sit her down and get right to the point and tell her this isn't working for you and you would love to work on the marriage but if she has no interest you are ready to walk and never look back unless she brings up reconciliation first.

[kas99]

I would talk to an attorney about getting a separation agreement that specifically spells out custody and financial arrangements. Find out how long it takes and spend the next 3 months getting your ducks in a row. Keep DB'ing because that's for you. I don't recommend moving out until you have a legal custody agreement in place. Don't assume she will be civil. You just never know how someone will react after a BD.

Not sure about the conversation. I could argue either way on that one.

[Ready2Change]

Like I have told you earlier, this process is like an onion. peel off one layer at a time.

You have many layers left to peel off. Do the hard work now.


The hard path is the easy path and the easy path is the hard path. I tell my kids this all the time. Do the hard work now to make your life easier later. Take the easy path now and your life will be harder later.


You still do what you feel like and not what you should be doing. Who told you to throw out an ILY? I believe a "Those jeans make you look fat" would have been a better choice.



List out all the books you have read since joining this forum.


1) Stop pursuing your W.
2) Focus on you.
3) Be the best dad ever.
4) DB your butt off.

1) Never make assumptions
2) Do not take anything personally
3) Always do your best
4) Be impeccable with your word



Weigh the words of these active posters very heavily: Sandi2, AnotherStander,LH19,Steve85.
Weigh the words of these wise posters heavily also: PuppyDogTails,Coach, AllenA, Gucci,RobX

[Ready2Change]

Part of your DBing effort is to protect yourself legally. Arrange free consults with the top 3 divorce attorney's in your area. Have a list of questions.

Go watch a few divorce hearings.

Review your states statutes.