I'm happy it seems to be working for you Steve, that was my next question was about any success stories. I've been mostly reading newcomers and following their stories and they all seem to get worse rather than better. Of course they all make mistakes, as do I, and it sets everything backward. I have not contested anything on the divorce, so we will have a court date set at the end of November and it should be officially done in February. I know that's not much time and it's pretty hard for me to believe that after this is final there's any chance. Is your story documented here somewhere so I could read it?
The conflicting messages is part of her plan to keep you where she wants you. I would advise you to chart your own course as much as possible, not believing or paying too much worry to the things she says. Of course if D papers arrive you have to react, but for the most part you should be acting and not reacting.
When it feels like she wants to reconcile, but you're kind not sure, that is her way of seeing if you want her still. We call that a temp check. If she wants to reconcile, you'll know it.
I know you FEEL your W is different than other WW's but what do you THINK? Leave out the emotion and try to be objective. What is so different about your sitch?
Your W is talking to another guy and saying she wants a D. "The family" is going to be you and your child. Notice I said 2 people not 3.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It not uncommon for people here to feel their situation is different. It’s also not uncommon for the person to feel they have to do something to change the WWs mind. You can absolutely continue to play happy family as long as you don’t have expectations that it will change anything. It’s easier to detach when you’re not playing happy family.
Also, think about the logic behind your words. She’s openly admitting to having feelings and being in an affair with another man and you’re worried that she’s going to think you’re a jerk for not wanting to play happy family. Doesn’t make much sense does it.
You have to let her know that you are NOT ok sharing her with an OM.
It not uncommon for people here to feel their situation is different. It’s also not uncommon for the person to feel they have to do something to change the WWs mind. You can absolutely continue to play happy family as long as you don’t have expectations that it will change anything. It’s easier to detach when you’re not playing happy family.
Also, think about the logic behind your words. She’s openly admitting to having feelings and being in an affair with another man and you’re worried that she’s going to think you’re a jerk for not wanting to play happy family. Doesn’t make much sense does it.
You have to let her know that you are NOT ok sharing her with an OM.
I'm happy it seems to be working for you Steve, that was my next question was about any success stories. I've been mostly reading newcomers and following their stories and they all seem to get worse rather than better. Of course they all make mistakes, as do I, and it sets everything backward. I have not contested anything on the divorce, so we will have a court date set at the end of November and it should be officially done in February. I know that's not much time and it's pretty hard for me to believe that after this is final there's any chance. Is your story documented here somewhere so I could read it?
In general, things have to get worse before they get better. The one thing about all of this is that while every sitch has its own intricacies. It is amazing how close to script so many WAS will follow. Are there outliers? Sure. And there are no guarantees. But one thing we always say is that applying good DBing principles will save you, if not your marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know you FEEL your W is different than other WW's but what do you THINK? Leave out the emotion and try to be objective. What is so different about your sitch?
Sorry, new with forums so I'm not sure how to embed this, if that's even what they call it. I would say I feel and think that W is different, emotionally and objectively. The only thing I can say is different is that we get along, we have no huge issues, and it doesn't feel like I think divorce is supposed to. I really can't elaborate having never done this before, and I'm probably wrong, but when you think of people divorcing it's supposed to be a last resort after years of trouble. This just isn't that.
Also, think about the logic behind your words. She’s openly admitting to having feelings and being in an affair with another man and you’re worried that she’s going to think you’re a jerk for not wanting to play happy family. Doesn’t make much sense does it.
It doesn't, you're right. She has downplayed the whole thing, and that's allowed me to downplay the whole thing as well even though I know in my heart and my mind this is really the only thing that's caused all this. Not the only thing, but what forced it and convinced her there's no chance for us.
Yep most people here feel that their problems are fixable and most of them are right. The problem is you need two people willing to work on them together.
Again affair is symptom of a deeper problem. She’s convinced today there is no hope but that doesn’t mean she’ll always feel that way.
.... I found out about her EA....I could just see the way she looked at him...I checked phone records again that day and saw that she talked to him 6 times....She dropped the bomb the next day when I came home. Without too much detail she denies anything with the OM.....But she kept telling me things that I already knew to be untrue...She has admitted the EA, swears it is not a PA (not totally convinced ...sleep in the same bed though there is no physical contact. ...Sometimes it just feels like manipulation, like she has something up her sleeve that I don’t see, but I’m not sure what.
does anybody understand or have any insight into what she could be thinking?
She is a lier and a cheater and is manipulating you.
1) Protect yourself legally 2) Focus on your personal growth 3) Focus on being a great dad
4) DB your butt off. Affairs are great for the cheaters when they are secret. Now that there is a light on it.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yup, I have some work to do! She doesn't act like there's no hope, and it convinces me that she's convinced that there is hope. But really, it doesn't matter, I just need to get to work. Thank you folks for your help. This really is a trying time with the ups and downs. I get myself to a good place, good mindset, and then I just fall back off again based on her behavior. It just [censored] that both of us seem outwardly happy, I have no idea what she feels on the inside but none of this even seems real to me because everything is as normal as could be except for the divorce cloud hanging over everything.
