If I may take a stab at interpreting this exchange, she likely got mad because (in her mind) you couldn't possibly understand how she feels due to the inequity in parenting time. You have him more often, so (in her mind) you aren't experiencing the same sense of loss as she. Then, by telling her that it's tough on all of you, she probably felt guilty and defensive at being reminded she caused this situation, and also that you diminished her feelings by chiming in about yours. Just my guess.
Perhaps saying "Yes, that would be upsetting" or "I can see how that would be hard for you" would have been better?
I’m an advocate for 50/50 custody unless there are special circumstances that warrants something different. Any reason why you won’t do 50/50 with her?
Scout - I can see your point. My point, which I didn't share with her, is that I will experience his inequity too as I'm currently seeing him 5-6 days a week and that will likely change for the worse. So from my viewpoint I do understand b/c I know I'll be seeing him less than I do now.
LH - I don't want 50/50 because he's my son. I've done nothing to cause this and I've done everything I can to be a full-time parent while she has left us. I'm taking him to daycare and picking him up. I'm paying for all expenses. I'm taking him for haircuts, doctor appointments, playdates, etc...
She only asked for more time and has shown this sadness since she lost her job. Is she bored? Has more time to think about everything? I don't know but she hasn't been a good mom for nearly a year. Why would I want that for my son?
Also, she still has yet to see the psychiatrist and I really don't know how that plays into everything. She ran from her responsibilities and I'm supposed to trust that she has his best interest at heart? I don't know anymore. It's almost like your trusting someone you don't know with your child bc she isn't the same person anymore and I really don't know who she is.
What it comes down to for me is that I love my son and I can't imagine only seeing him half the time. I've been the responsible parent.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
My question is..... what does your son want or need? I was the responsible parent for more than four years. My XH was so busy trying to run from our relationship during that time that he ran from every relationship that had anything to do with me...including our kids and they barely saw him. I did not want the divorce. I did not want to be a 50% parent. It galled me that he could just waltz back into their lives as if nothing happened and not only take them from me 50% of the time but replace me with some stranger as if that was perfectly okay. It was so unfair and so ridiculous that he could just unilaterally decide to change all of our lives with none of us getting any kind of a say.
But...the reality is that the law says he is entitled to 50% custody unless he is a danger or a risk to them. He was an a$$ but he is not a danger or a risk and neither is his OW. The law doesn’t care about the fairness of it from the other parent’s perspective. People are allowed to do this in countries/states (don’t know where you are from) which is why they are called no-fault divorces. Isn’t that a joke. Anyway... I hated it Jac...and it doesn’t matter. The law says he is entitled and, even if that wasn’t the case, I know my kids are better off if they have a good relationship with both of their parents. My daughter commented that she sees her dad more now than she did when he lived with us and she’s not wrong. She and her brother are happy to have him back and are benefitting from it.
Bottom line... it was not what I wanted.... I wanted them to have the two-parent family that I had growing up. My XH, however, had other plans so we have to adapt and adjust and my kids have done this in the best possible way because I have kept the focus on them and their needs and kept my feelings out of it. And...now that we’ve been doing this schedule for six months, I’ve gotten used to having time on my own and have even come to enjoy it. I get where you are coming from... trust me, I really, really do... but your son needs and deserves to have both of his parents in his life and if your W is starting to regret some of her decisions and wanting more time with him, that’s a good thing. If you had a heart attack tomorrow and were unable to care for him, guess who would be responsible for his care then? Something to think about...
Well J if you really feel you did nothing to cause this then you may need to do some self reflection. I’m sorry but he’s my son is not an acceptable answer. I agree with D, what does your son want? What if you lost your feelings for your W and wanted a divorce and she went for full custody? A child needs his mother just as much as he needs his father. Now if she’s not keeping up with her parenting then that is one thing but if she is able to get her $hit together and wants 50/50 custody then you IMO you should consider giving it to her.
LH - I realize that I played a part to cause this, but it's a small part. I've been open and honest with her with any mistakes I have made and I've worked hard to fix them. This is a pattern in her life though...as soon as she gets bored she moves on (cars, jobs, relationships, etc.). She left her child and was ok seeing him 1.5 days a week for the last 4 months.
I have no intention of keeping my son away from her. I know he needs his mother in his life but I also don't want her dumping him off with family or a baby sitter all the time so she can go out with her friends. Im not talking in the evening when he goes to bed, I mean during the day too.
I would like to know she is working on herself (actually seeing the psychiatrist she was referred to, going to counseling). That would make be feel better but as of now she's done zero self reflection on her part. She's now the victim in this despite that fact that her actions led to me being the primary caregiver.
Deja - Thank you for your input as well. My son is 2.5 years old so in my mind he needs someone who will be there for him. In all ways. I've been that person and she hasn't - and she's aware that she hasn't been a good mom. I would feel better about that if I knew she was the mom she used to be but even then it would be difficult of course.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I asked me wife if she wanted to spend the weekend with our son before him and I go to Florida for two weeks in early november.
Her response:
"That would be lovely. Thank you. Are you around on the Saturday? Maybe we can use that day to finally go to the aquarium".
How should I respond?
Of course I would like to do things as a family IF we were a family. But I also would rather not if we aren't trying to get things back together. Is it best to just go and enjoy the day? Isn't this cake eating?
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
What LH said. Some people might argue not to go because it's cake-eating for her. And some might argue you should go to "show her what she's missing". But at the end of the day it's not going to make or break things so it's up to you.
She lost her job and is bored. I wouldn't go with her but that's just me. I would also go for full custody. If you don't and she drops him at babysitters you won't be able to do anything about it. My sister did this crap and that kid is messed up now from her neglect. You can always let her see your son more as long as she is responsible. He's 2 not 12 and yes it matters.
