KG - Examples (keep in mind, I'm not saying these are the specific boundaries you should set, that is up to you):
1. "If you are communicating with AP while we are together, I will leave."
- She starts texting AP. - Boundary: You leave.
2. "I will no longer tolerate you coming to my house drunk in the middle of the night with no warning. Next time this happens I will ask you to leave."
- She comes over drunk in the middle of the night. - Boundary: You ask her to leave.
Boundaries involve consequences. Many of us fall into the trap of saying "I won't take you doing XYZ anymore" and then when XYZ happens, we do nothing (which shows there was actually no boundary).
someone that closer to your W is probably not someone you want to confide in, IMO. It's likely that if you're speaking with "her friends" that those words will make their way to your W.
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I woke up and asked what she was doing here (at my house).
Good! What stopped you from taking action to support this sentiment? I was in a similar situation. It's very tough. Undoubtedly she is trying to share a bed with 2 people. I struggled immensely with how to deal with this, and I know it's hard. Eventually I found the courage to say "You just were in someone else's bed last night and now you're in bed with me? Gross". Just remember that the only time we can be brave is when we are scared. But like I told you, you are so much better than how you feel at the moment!
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Saturday morning was pretty great, almost felt normal. We got up, she made me coffee, played some video games and recovered. Saturday night we had plans to watch our favorite football team GO VOLS.
This is confusing, and I want to clarify if you can help me. She lives with OW, right? But sometimes she comes and stays the night and plays happy wife with you, right? Coffee, friends, socializing, alone time, bedroom time?
The fact that she still wants you in a capacity is good for your sitch. But if she's playing both sides of the fence, well does that hurt you? Could you think of a boundary that would protect that? I think the boundary will be difficult and require you to be brave.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
UC, thanks! I'm making a list and trying to really commit BEFORE giving any boundaries bc I have made mistakes over the last year of not enforcing a stated boundary.
Just to clarify for all:
She does not live with her AP. She is renting a house and lives alone, although I suspect AP is over quite frequently and I also suspect that she stays with AP some. I don't have proof, just a gut feeling.
Ovr,
I agree - I have been very careful of talking with her "friends" in any capacity because I know it will get back to her. I tried to be as vague as possible and just state that I am focused on myself and I hope she figures out what she wants/needs.
And yes, it is the playing both sides of the fence that is hurtful. In my sitch, it feels like she wants for US to have a future but she is going on this "journey" to find herself.
I know not to believe anything she says. She tells me she and AP have not had any type of physical R since March. She tells me they are in love but know that nothing can come of it. She is emotionally supporting AP through her cancer diagnosis.
Her Actions: She plays "wife" on an whim. One day here, making plans, saying "I think xyz will be good for our future", etc. The next day she is almost completely radio silent.
My Actions: Stopped snooping (HOORAY). Trying to learn to listen and let her talk through things. I don't initiate any conversations. I don't call her first, I don't initiate texting convos, I don't ask about plans.
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
UC, thanks! I'm making a list and trying to really commit BEFORE giving any boundaries bc I have made mistakes over the last year of not enforcing a stated boundary.
VERY wise, Kristin. As you say, better to set more modest enforced boundaries than more significant unenforced ones. I hope they help you stay sane and her come to her senses.
Kristin, also consider enforceability. E.g., "No texting AP around me" could be a good boundary, but you may find it difficult to enforce without seeing her screen. It may be easier to enforce "No excessive phone usage" or "No 30min+ bathroom breaks". I was proud a week ago when my partner was stuck in her own drama and I said, "My son and I are going out for some fun. Want to come, or need to take care of that?" She left. The boundary was not harsh nor mean, it was simply sanity and life preserving.
In my opinion, ultimately K probably shouldn't be telling anyone how to use their phone. It is controlling and unattractive. I think a better way of stating it would be to simply leave the room or house when phone use is excessive.
Originally Posted by KristinG
My Actions: Stopped snooping (HOORAY). Trying to learn to listen and let her talk through things. I don't initiate any conversations. I don't call her first, I don't initiate texting convos, I don't ask about plans.
K,
this is a great start.
I want you to think about what actions you can take to prevent further pain brought on by your W. Or in other words, what is she doing that hurts you the most right now?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Kristin, she's got to learn to miss you. That will never happen as long as she knows she can just drop by whenever she wants. I would tell her to respect your privacy and no longer show up unannounced. Then I would change the locks.
Kristin, I agree with AS on the lock changing. It doesn't mean you can't let her in if she drops by (if you so choose) but it means she can't crawl into bed with you in the middle of the night and gives you more control over the situation. Do you have a key to her place? If not, then it feels pretty fair for you to have privacy in your own home.
Also, a thought on the texting-- agree with ovr that controlling someone's text messaging especially not knowing what they're up to on their phone is complicated and doesn't look good. (I went through this phase where I was vvv curious what my H was doing on his phone and would hover and kind of try to peek surreptitiously, then always turned out he was texting his brother, or doing the crossword puzzle, etc. I finally decided to stop caring because there was nothing I could do about it anyway and it just made me feel crazy (plus made me look needy and suspicious). Anyway, I don't think you always need to verbally state all your boundaries, and the texting is one. She starts ignoring you and focusing on her phone? Don't reinforce that behavior by sticking around, or trying to talk to her and win her attention-- just leave. She puts the phone down and focuses on you? Maybe I'd reinforce that behavior?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
In my opinion, ultimately K probably shouldn't be telling anyone how to use their phone.
Hi overrn, agreed, she shouldn't tell her partner what to do. She CAN set boundaries on what she accepts. Months ago, I felt disrespected when my partner went into "phone mode" for 15min on a date.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I think a better way of stating it would be to simply leave the room or house when phone use is excessive.
The first time I tried that, she didn't know why I left, where I went, or when I'd return. LOL! I've made some common-sense refinements you probably do or would do too: (1) I tolerate it for a bit, (2) I call attention to it ("Something up?"), then (3) I let them know I'm moving on while they deal with their important "phone" business, optionally inviting them to move on too. I find this a good model for any "very distracted" behavior while I've set aside 1:1 time for someone. It respects, too, what they're doing may be important.
