Summary to date: W was unhappy in 2018 and probably a few years earlier about her lack of career advancement, responsibilities of being a mother and wife, and lack of connection in our MR. She became involved in an EA with OM1 (a co-worker) in August 2018. She went to an IC without my knowledge and determined that I was the cause of her unhappiness. BD and IHS in November 2018. I begged, pleaded, and became super husband. She became obsessed with her physical appearance and recapturing her youth. EA with OM1 became a PA. She met OM2 (25 year old pickup artist) in mid-November 2018 has been having a PA with him going on a year. W went deeply underground with her smartphone when I found out and confronted. W met OM3 in March 2019 on an online dating app and is still in an ongoing PA with him as well. W has distanced herself from anyone of strong moral character and primarily interacts with a recently divorced woman that became her BFF last year. W bought her own house and moved out in early April 2019. We have arranged 50/50 custody of our kids, S8 and D5, rotating every few days.
We attended Retrouvaille at the end of September. W genuinely opened up and seemed to put forth effort. That was short-lived and she is back to her WW behavior with the OM. Over the past 2 weeks I've felt about the same each day in that I am ready to move forward with my life. She's had long enough to end her A's. She continues to choose them over me. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
This isn’t working for me anymore . I respect myself enough to let you go and move forward with my life . ( I wouldn’t give her anything else she knows why and how you feel )
Please have the horse relocated by this date ____. If the horse is not relocated by this date ____I will relocate it to here ____ and have the bill sent to your address . Thanks ( stick to this if she doesn’t take the horse move it )
Even her AP brought up the horse . She knows you'll always be there and she’s using that . Let AP apply the pressure . He sounds like a real gem . Controlling , foul mouthed and issues with his mom . Let it have its own death . Tell her to move the horse no discussion about it . If she’s answers in anger . You no longer reside here please have the horse out by this date .
Keep being dim . Short and to the point . Kids only . When you do exchanges hello and goodbye .Smile and move along .
As far as asking for a D or starting it from your post it still seems as if you put the ball in her court . I wouldn’t mention a D. Detach . Have the horse removed . GAL and stay very dim .
Just my opinion from a newbie
Caligirl, not bad for a newbie.
The horse situation is problematic. I'm concerned about the financial implications of relocating it and am trying to avoid legal issues in the future if I try to move it. It does feel like the only reason we are still married is because she has a great setup with her horse.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
First off sorry you had to read a text exchange with your W and the biggest dueche bag that ever walked the face of the earth.
LH, apparently those types of exchanges are attractive to my WW.
Originally Posted by LH19
I am going to make one final plea with you to try DB. No letters, no scripts, no asset list and start simple. Make it clear with her by ACTIONS that you're done with the BS. Ask her to remove the horse from your house and absolutely no contact that doesn't involve the kids. BTW once a day is too much in my book. You also have to stop snooping.
The problem you are having right now is you are trying to force everything. You tried forcing her to stop her affairs, forced her to go to Retrouvaille and now you want to force her to make a choice. It's nor surprising at all that you failed at all these attempts. She's not ready to comeback. She's even told you that but you don't listen very well.
If you're done I totally get it. No pleas, letters, grand jestures, deals, ultimatiums. Just do it.
I can promise you if you ask her to come home and work on the M you will get kicked in the b@lls so hard you'll never get up.
How long do you suggest I DB? I'm coming up on a year from BD, many LBS quit around that time.
I'm good with no contact that doesn't involve the kids. I don't want any other contact with her right now.
WW said she wants to "feel separated". That's what I'm trying to give her, removing myself from the equation.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
I am going to offer you some advice and it is up to you as to whether you want to listen or not. This latest stuff is way too fresh in your mind. Give yourself a few days and allow that pain/hurt to wash over you and then release it. If, after a couple of days, you still feel the way that you do, then you will need to make some tough decisions. Sit down, make a list of pros and cons and then go from there.
job, thanks for the advice, I will follow it. It's been a week, so not too fresh in my mind. I've been strongly feeling it's time to move forward on my own each day for the past 2 weeks. I will give it a little more time. Let me give the pros and cons some thought.
Originally Posted by job
Try to remember that actions speak louder than words. I've taken the liberty to change the emails you plan to send. If you do send one...do just one and leave it at that and then give her the time and space to respond back.
"I have come to the realization that you do not want to work on the marriage. This situation isn’t working for me anymore. I respect myself enough to let you go and move forward with my life."
I would keep the asset list on hand, but not give it to her unless she's ready to move forward with a divorce. Keep your cards close to the vest for now. You want to keep things simple, but straight forward at this time.
I didn't think the words would hold much weight. That is why I planned to deliver the asset list as an action along with the words. When I do that, it is not to draw her back or get her to change her mind. It is because I am done and ready to move forward. I am okay with either outcome as long as the status quo ends.
Originally Posted by job
Enjoy the party this evening.
Thanks! The party was fun. The kids and I both had a blast. Only thought about W a few times. It was when I was sitting around with other couples. Just some moments of sadness watching other couples together and knowing I don't have that gift right now. I had the same feeling Friday night when I took the kids out to dinner after S8's baseball game. Went with 3 other "intact" families. It's a bit disheartening being alone, seeing the dynamic of other couples, and wondering when I will have that again. That's the choice I made by being "deliberately not divorced."
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
What is the purpose of texting her every day? Why not get rid of the horse?
How is a divorce going to stop her from crapping all over you?
You might feel better if you quit worrying about her affairs and stopped snooping.
The text is to ask that the kids call to say goodnight or perhaps a text about kids sports schedule.
D will get rid of the horse.
You're right that I probably would feel better if I didn't gather intel. MWD says to do what works. One way to assess that is to find out if anything has changed with the WW behavior. I don't have a reason to anymore after the latest discovery that she went back to the OM again after Retrouvaille. It solidified that what she shared on the RV weekend were more lies. She is incapable of being honest, her selfishness is all that matters.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Wow! That is absolutely terrible the way he talked to her. I read the others advice and it seems right on point. As a woman I can tell you, if I were your WW I would be very confused right now and would panic at losing my safety net. If you just let her walk all over you and she knows you'll be there waiting, she will string you along. Don't let that happen.
So, as a woman, why would she want to go back to him? Are the in-love feelings that strong?
I've been very dim with her over the past week or so. Maybe she needs to panic. She's had it good this whole time. Throwing me crumbs here and there to string me along. Telling and showing her that I'm done would add to her confusion. I need to decide if that is what I really want and when enough is enough.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Dbing is for you. It is to help you find a way to carry on and live your life to the fullest. DBing is a technique that you can use in your day-to-day life. I would continue as you have been...leave her alone as much as possible, communicate w/her if it is an emergency or about the children...other than that...she's gone to the moon and isn't available for much contact, if any.
Keep the focus on you and your family. Watch the finances, etc., and find plenty of things to do, things that you enjoy doing will help greatly.
Above all else, dig deeper for patience and remember...you didn't break her, therefore, you can't fix her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, as a woman, why would she want to go back to him? Are the in-love feelings that strong?
I've been very dim with her over the past week or so. Maybe she needs to panic. She's had it good this whole time. Throwing me crumbs here and there to string me along. Telling and showing her that I'm done would add to her confusion. I need to decide if that is what I really want and when enough is enough.
Again, I am no DB expert, just speaking from a woman's perspective here. I am struggling to understand why she would go back to him. I have a couple of thoughts, one being she has self-esteem difficulties and is clinging to him and two she is afraid to lose him for whatever reason and again is clinging to him. Another thought, and this sounds bad, he may still seem better than your marriage to her. She knows what her married life looks like. That's where I would DB and make your life full and different. He honestly sounds awful and I can't imagine this is going to be long lasting at all.
I had a 6 year relationship to my oldest son's father. I left him for a slew of reasons and I knew I could find someone else that made me happier. After I left, he became happy. He got a fresh look, started doing more things with his friends, was always nice and cordial to me. Guess what? I wanted him back. We ended up back together, bought a house... He reverted back to his old ways and we ended up splitting for good. When we did split for good, he begged and pleaded for over a year, said he would do anything to get back together. Sometimes I would send me a text or agree to dinner or something but I was already dating other people. I would save him for a night I was bored or needed some attention.
The moral of the story is I didn't want someone else to get this "catch" of a man originally. If I knew I could have him back at any given moment he would have seemed less valuable to me and he did the second time around. He was my first and I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him until I realized I didn't love my life with him and thought I would be happier with someone else. I'm here so obviously that hasn't happened yet. 😁 Although we never married and we were only together for 6 years, I am sure there are similarities to married life.
The moral of the story is I didn't want someone else to get this "catch" of a man originally. If I knew I could have him back at any given moment he would have seemed less valuable to me and he did the second time around. He was my first and I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him until I realized I didn't love my life with him and thought I would be happier with someone else. I'm here so obviously that hasn't happened yet. 😁 Although we never married and we were only together for 6 years, I am sure there are similarities to married life.
MMM,
Thanks for your input. I always appreciate hearing both sides of the story. I have some clarifying questions, please don't take it as me disagreeing with you.
Were you Walk Away, or Wayward? (Did you have an OM / someone else waiting on the wing?) How did your LBH revert after you got back to him? I'm curious because I'm wondering if he reverted his behavior, or just that once you got him back, you lost interest again, and that after a 2nd time around, the distance/pursue does not work anymore.
Just curious because I'm always wondering how likely a relapse is going to happen after DB and R.
I stink at quoting, so bear with me. The first time I was a walkaway. But in my head I imagined this amazing life I was going to have with someone else. I did end up meeting someone, he was divorced. We began to spend a lot of time together. We would go on day trips, spend evenings having drinks and talking about life. Just fun conversation. It never became anything physical. Looking back, if I had more sexual experience (I had only ever been with ex at that point) it may have gotten physical. But I looked at this guy, and starting thinking of ex and our family, his new happy life WITHOUT ME and decided I wanted to be a part of that. He had a little bit of hesitation but not much.
My ex was definitely a MNG. He would say whatever to appease me but then do the opposite because that is what he really wanted to do. Which infuriated me more then if he would have just stuck up for himself, now he lied to me. He wasn't the man and I the woman, if that makes sense. I am also super insecure, I am working on this. I need a lot of words of affirmation and quality time and he didn't give me that. So it wasn't loss of interest, it was that we went right back to old ways and that didn't work. I also didn't change myself at all. Someone should have told me to be less bossy and let him feel like a man. 😁
When all this happened I had no guidance. I should have changed myself too and we both should have put in more effort to make the next go-around different. I expected that because I left HIM, I should go back and he be the perfect man for me. That's why DB makes so much sense to me now.
I almost forgot something. So, the second and final split I was definitely a WW. I had met someone else at a party we were at together. He gave me feelings I didn't have with ex. So when I broke things off I had him in my mind.
