WAS's are masters of acting "as if". They act like the new life they're pursuing is perfect, the answer to all their hopes and dreams. The reality is she's struggling. There's a storm inside her, she's fighting between wanting to go back to her old life and thinking she needs to pursue a new one. Which will win out is anyone's guess, but don't believe the placid, happy face she's putting on, it's a mask.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
How much do you love her? Do you love her to the point that you want her to be happy, no matter what that means for you? Or do you love her as long as you are getting what you want out of it?
I ran up early in my sitch on an anti-divorce author that spent a good time up front trying to get the LBH to see that true love means wanting your WAW to be happy....even if that means she does what she is doing. She is trying to be happy. Maybe she really is, maybe she is faking it? All you can do is love and support her. Doing that early in my sitch is what helped to start turning my sitch around.
Originally Posted by DaB35
Be happy for her, even if it's not your perfect solution at the moment.
Something good will come out this, as IH says above. I'd read the sticky thread "You will not die" at the top of the Newcomers board. I read it regularly even now. You have to believe that you will be fine whatever the outcome.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am sure you are hurting and I am sorry that things went down the way they did. When are you going to start listening to your W? Instead of judging, you could have listened carefully. The conversation could have had a completely different outcome. You must put your ego and sense of rejection aside if you truly want to help your W. She is telling you, nay, shouting out from the rafters, what you need to do. Stop focusing on her actions and start looking at your own. It sounds like you have been neglecting her needs for a long time. Again, everyone here is trying to help you. Before acting irrationally, consult with the good folks here, please. We have no other motive than we want to help you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If you can't manage $1,000, you can't manage $10,000. If you're not happy on your own, you won't be happy in a relationship. You are your own foundation. If that is not solid, nothing else can stand on it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You have typed in “Divorce Advice” or “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore” into whatever search engine you use, and you found this place.
When you first find yourself reading this board there is a certain desperate craziness and wild hope. And you read and you search and search for the elusive ‘success’* stories and in many cases you lurk, you read, you discover a few posters you identify with and follow their story or advice. You figure out the lay of the land and how to navigate around here.
You post. You story sounds similar to countless others, and I am not making light of it, it is a sad thing that it does sound similar.
And deep inside a part of you thinks you are different than countless others.
In truth you are a unique snowflake, but in the heat of a mid-life crisis, you are similar to all the other water molecules.
There are immediate problems the new comer here in MLC should realize and damn quick:
There is NO Quick Fix to this.
You CANNOT fix this.
The ‘success’* stories, do not have anything more than you do or are capable of doing. They just know the DBing rules better than you…and they had patience and luck.
Your tactics are tactics, your tricks are tricks.
YOU ARE part of the problem.
You can only control yourself.
DO NOT involve your children.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Those things you need to accept as quickly as possible.
Things you shouldn’t do but are going to do anyway: Do not snoop.
Do not tell them I love you.
Do not talk about your relationship.
Do not confront the OP (Other Person).
The ‘success’* stories you have discovered have several things in common.
They are:
Patience. They outlasted their spouse’s MLC.
Support. They told family and friends, to back off about their divorce advice.
Their spouse had an MLC. Sounds strange to list but it is a common factor.
They worked on THEMSELVES. They looked in the mirror and changed their crappy, whinny, entitled behavior. They saw what was weak and broken in themselves and fixed it. AND they used the time their spouse was in their MLC to do this. They made REAL changes and became better. They knew that they helped the downfall of their marriage.
They FORGAVE. Despite the hurt and pain, they forgave their spouse. And make no mistake, this is not as easy as you think it is.
Here in MLC, there is no guarantee. Some of the best advice comes from those you would not define as a ‘success’* in your narrow view point. You want only the ‘successful’* advice, and… there is going to be little difference except in your mind, about the advice.
I made it through here. I came through the hell-fire of my wife’s MLC, not because of the advice from on high, although Snodderly’s words of encouragement helped. (Thank you Snodderly) I made it through because of the support and advice from the people who were right in the same time frame as I was. Right NEXT to me. Liss, and BrandNewDay, and Jeanette and Valentine, and Smurf, and WAS, RedUmbrella. Each one of alone in our hell but right there for each other, egging us on. Worrying about each other.
I grew because we all were helping each other and learning how to DB…not having some one spoon feed us and burping us on advice.
I wonder, if us ‘old wise’ ones aren’t hurting you guys. By doing just that.
Birds won’t fly unless they are pushed out of the nest.
* “success” – The idea that a person is only successful because their spouse came back is ludicrous and narrow minded. Your spouse can come back at anytime, but until YOU make changes in yourself and FOR yourself, you have failed. The REAL success are the people who came here broken, and fixed themselves, became better people, no matter if their spouse came back. And in THOSE cases, those who better themselves…their marriage is better for it. But that is not important…THEY are better for it.
Thanks again R2C. Love the post you quoted from J3B. I read a lot of his stuff and understand that sadly this gentleman passed a little while ago?
Can you please also post some of your notable quotes too? I cant seem to find any of your short and pithy classics here mate. It's your thread after all...
Cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Can you please also post some of your notable quotes too? I cant seem to find any of your short and pithy classics here mate. It's your thread after all...
I will leave that up to others....anyone is free to post to this thread...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
