Started reading No More Mr Nice Guy, but after the first chapter, I feel like it doesn't apply to me as much. I've always been argumentative and confrontational (if you read my back story). I'll keep reading the book, maybe I can still pick up some bits and pieces of how to be strong and respectful.
It's a great book to read even for those who don't identify with NGS. I didn't feel like it was really describing me, but there was still info in it that I found applicable.
I read a lot of books after BD, some of it I agreed with it, some I didn't, but overall I learned a ton of stuff that has helped me not just with my GF but also in my relationships with friends and family.
Felt the same when reading NMMNG but as AS said, I also learned a few things that were applicable. I think it was Steve here who recommended a book called Intimacy and Desire by Dr. David Schnarch. That book has helped me a lot. Currently reading Passionate Marriage by the same author and so far also interesting.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
What are you trying to accomplish by calling her out on her lies and affairs?
Don't know... probably why I have not done it yet...
Part of it is my nature to confront BS, but reading DB, seems like not the right thing. Part of me wants to just signal that I'm not stupid, and that she can't expect to come talk or move back in, and get away with it, so she really needs to put in the work to clean her sh*t up rather than lie about it, and making things worse.
Maybe there's a more positive phrasing of it I'll go re-read the DB chapters.
Nothing exciting to update... have not had any talks / interaction, just some text exchange about "business" stuff, and a couple nothing text that I ignored over the past 2 weeks.
Just wanted to share that I watched a couple of videos by Sadhguru on EA and MR in general. There's some good points in there... if you distill it, much of it is the same as what we suggest here: detach, reality, focus on self, interdependence as opposed to codependence. Just phrased with a slightly more Eastern philosophy. For me, it's always good to hear the same thing in different ways, helps drive the point through and gives us perspective. Unless I'm just stuck in the tech algorithm of confirmation bias :P
Okay, sounds like I will have to interact with WW this week to take care of some "business" stuff - cleaning up / turning over rental unit.
Been reading a lot of other threads where vets have been suggesting to listen to what the W is telling us they need, and show that we can change. Mine told me that she needed more verbal affirmation and affection from me.
However, I just want to confirm with vets that I should not be providing verbal affirmation or affection right now since it's WW and AP is most likely still involved? Don't want to come off as pursue, competing for her, or let her cake eat.
Hey L, yes you are correct. At this point she would most likely not be receptive to affection. You’re sitch is very early on and right now you need to give time and space. She needs to see you aren’t available to her, especially if AP is involved. Every sitch is different and what works for some people may not work for others. Make sure to 180 on all other negative behaviors but 180ing on the affection may not be best at this time.
In my sitch I went NC for about 3 months besides child care discussion. This time was very important as it gave us both space to see what life was without each other. When she started reaching out to me to work on the R is when I started showing affection again.
This is a very slow process and it could be many months or years before things improve. No rush though, stay the course.
Honestly, I'm not even in the mood for affection. Last time couple times she tried to hug me, I natural reaction was not too eager. I was just wondering if I should say something like "oh, you look nice today" - something I'd never say often before, and when I did, I know she's get super excited about it.
On a side note, this past weekend went and learned how to ride a motorcycle, and passed the exams and got my endorsement. Planning a trip with some buddies to ride thru SE Asia.
Found out about a book called the "The laws of human nature" that I started to read too.
I'll go re-read the DB chapters.