I like when a guy needs me and is a little clingy. Shows vulnerability. There’s a right way of going about it though. You can still be a man even when you want and need your partner
I like when a guy needs me and is a little clingy. Shows vulnerability. There’s a right way of going about it though. You can still be a man even when you want and need your partner
Could you elaborate a bit on the "right way of going about it"? For me, at least, that might be helpful.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
... Been struggling with the instinct to be clingy and needy....
It is OK to be needy (at times). Just don’t be needy all the time. Know when it is OK.
Everything is not black or white. The key is knowing when to be black or white, or some level of grey.
Most of us come here knowing only one way of behaving (in certain areas). Being only one shade of grey gets us in trouble.
One of my biggest frustrations is how we all us broad categories. In this case, clingy and needy, encompasses a broad range. If you can be more specific, that helps a lot.
For example, if I said I went out last night and GAL. Not much info communicated, but if I said "I was out last night for 3 hours listening to live music, played 6 games of pool, met three new people bla bla bla", you have better understanding of what I did.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I like a guy to say he just wants to be with me. Spend time with me, cuddle with me, whatever. It’s nice to know you are wanted.
What isn’t good is being jealous, or nasty and cranky when you are turned down for those things and you don’t get your way.
However, this usually works much better when you are in a good place. She will be receptive to it if she is comfortable with you and wanting to spend time with you. If she is t feeling you, she won’t be receptive.
In my last relationship I felt like I always had to play the distance card to get him to come closer. It was like the only way it worked. It shouldn’t be that way though. You should be comfortable with your partner in being able to say “ I mjust want to spend time with you and connect” rather than have to play the distance pursuit game all the time. It gets really old for me.
I know R2change gives lots of advice on attracting women and keeping their attraction. Some i feel is accurate, we donlike to be made to feel sexy and wanted some times. Other times, I just love to know the guy I’m with wants to be with me and connect with me on a different level. More emotionally, rather than physically ( and I am high drive) I love when the guy I love just wants to spend time with me and excited about it ( my LL is quality tome)
I think Ginger really hit on it by alluding to the distance card. I fear that being too clingy and needy will send my W into distance mode. Though her attitude towards having to pursue is so much more different than it was in the past. I really wonder if your SSRIs are causing her to be "numb" to her feelings as well as the feelings of others. I know I've talked about before how she doesn't have the same empathy for others that she did before. When I have mentioned this to her she chalks it up to be older, but I tend to believe that most people become more empathetic as they mature, not less.
So while I can certainly pursue to the point of her distancing (mostly through clingy, needy behavior) I do not believe I can engender any pursuit behavior by distancing. It is a strange place to be emotionally.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
How is she making out with IC? Is her lack of empathy a point of topic?
LH, great question. C in general has been on hold since the move over a year ago. As we try to sell the old house. (There has been movement on that, BTW.) She knows I feel she should be in IC and that I even proposed that she go even though our finances are a bit on hold while we pay for two houses.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ah I see. I thought you were going to make it a requirement after the last slip up? That’s probably part of the reason you are getting anxious and want to over pursue. The old “illusion of action” kicking in. After the initial make up phase she’s probably distancing some?
Could you elaborate a bit on the "right way of going about it"? For me, at least, that might be helpful.
Originally Posted by "Ginger"
I like a guy to say he just wants to be with me. Spend time with me, cuddle with me, whatever. It’s nice to know you are wanted.
What isn’t good is being jealous, or nasty and cranky when you are turned down for those things and you don’t get your way.
It's a negative if I say, "I called because I missed hearing your voice this morning.", but a positive if I say, "I called because I really wanted to hear your voice." Which is not to say one shouldn't have a discussion if one's needs are regularly unmet. My partner calls/texts a good morning almost every day.
Ah I see. I thought you were going to make it a requirement after the last slip up? That’s probably part of the reason you are getting anxious and want to over pursue. The old “illusion of action” kicking in. After the initial make up phase she’s probably distancing some?
Actually no. We've been in a good place emotionally. We are very connected. It's just I miss the girl that was very affectionate. But I have to come to terms with the fact that she's likely good for good. She doesn't refuse affection. She just doesn't initiate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
