Oh, and I've decided that maybe I do need to employ a bit of a distance approach. I think I've been too "there", and trying to hard on filling her love tank (her LL is words of affirmation). I need to go back to being pleased, content, happy, fulfilled, confident, and not be so talkative. Let her initiate conversation and do more of the talking.
Most of the problems that I've had in my life were due to my fat mouth.
Just tread lightly. Many people told me piecing is very different from BDing. Very. Depending upon your w, being clear honest and open is helpful. No doubt she knows of you need for affection (sex or otherwise) I think you struggle with "I shouldn't have to ask" thinking that we all get from time to time. (I had that same line of thought too many times).
But I look at it like I have no problem expressing my other needs to my wife. None. do you? Do you wait until she's hungry to ask about dinner? Do you sit in a cold house waiting for her to change the temp or close a window? if the TV was too loud would you just keep it that way without asking her about it? Do you go to bed when she's tired?
But like I said it takes a heck of a long time. I felt "stuck" for a couple of years. Honestly, I think some couples probably never get unstuck and decide to stay together for other reasons.
Got a call from a friend of 25 years last night. He was actually a supervisor of mine early in my career, and a very good one. He moved out of state shortly after getting married back in the late 90s, but we've stayed in contact over the years. Anyway, he had just be served with D papers. I don't have a lot of details yet, but he was looking to see if he should just move on or if he should keep trying to hang on. We are supposed to have a follow-up call. But as always I want to make sure I get perspectives here before advising him. He is saying a lot of the things we all say. "My ego can't let go." "I am a fighter." "I am thinking mostly about my kids."
Anyway it has been weighing heavily on me, been praying a lot of him. And her as well. It is sad how frequent all of this is.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But as always I want to make sure I get perspectives here before advising him.
I have handed out several copies of DR to in real life people. I also give them a copy of the four agreements as well. Tell them I have more books if interested.
I tell them about this website, but do not share my user name.
Advise some of the big items like Not to move out of the house etc.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Recently ran into a string of bad luck. Long story, but some is related to the new house and some the old house which we are in the process of selling (got and accepted an offer). Anyway, the last three days have been one piece of bad news, or negative events, after another.
The good news is that my W and I have been a solid team through it! It feels so good. 2 years ago and the weeks following BD, I would not have believed any of this was ever possible!! Newbies, please listen: GAL, 180s, and loving detachment (self-differentiation) can WORK!! It isn't a guarantee to save your marriage, but it gives you a better chance than pressure and pursuit. Trust the process of DBing...see it through to the end. Remember, even D (as some others here have proven) doesn't mean the end.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oh, man, I'm dealing with issues with my house, too, and it's a major headache. You'll weather this storm, but the process [censored]. Great news that you are dealing with this together! I'm so happy for you!
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Oh, man, I'm dealing with issues with my house, too, and it's a major headache. You'll weather this storm, but the process [censored]. Great news that you are dealing with this together! I'm so happy for you!
Jim, I think you owe us an update! Look forward to reading your in thread soon.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The good news is that my W and I have been a solid team through it! It feels so good. 2 years ago and the weeks following BD, I would not have believed any of this was ever possible!!
Great to hear it, Steve! You give us newbies hope!
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
Well it is coming up on that time again. BD anniversary date. 12/23 will be two years since BD. It amazes me the amount of anxiety that date can still drum up.
Most of you that were here last year know that last year at this time I was struggling with why I fought so hard to save my marriage. Why I didn't just walk away after BD last year. I struggled for a couple of months with the idea of pulling the plug myself, as most of you are aware.
This year I am much more content in our new MR. After the speed bump in the late summer, as documented here, things are back on an even keel. Her and I are settling into middle-age, heading towards old-age, with a firm commitment to each other and to our MR. And this time I am not resting on my laurels. I continue to read, learn and improve. The sale of the old house has move forward, and soon I will insist that her and I get back into MC. I will get back into IC. I am never again going to sit back and just let life come at me, I am going to go out and get out of life what I want.
Anyway, I am sure I will come back here as the emotions of that date continue to rise and fall. Just wanted to give a quick update.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It is sad and the older the people are, the sadder and dumber it is to D in my opinion. What are they running to? Do people in their late 50s, 60s and over really think there is better out there? I don't get it. I haven't dated in 35 years and from what I see and hear, I DON'T WANT TO!
Look forward to reading your in thread soon.