Thanks Warrior, but I'm honestly not that concerned what other people think in the community. she did slip up once and told me of at least one person she told about the OM. When I pointed out to her that falling in love with another man is an affair, she just said "fine if that's what you want to call it... the way she treats it she doesn't really think it's a big deal.
How people may perceive her was central to your argument that the OM won't start sleeping over and/or moving in as soon as you vamoose--a very typical outcome in such situations. Your claim was that she wouldn't because "then people would start to believe she's a cheater." I was questioning your assumption.
Originally Posted by JRizuto
S6 ends up in bed with us pretty much every night
If S6 ends up in bed pretty much every night, and before MOM+DAD was there and now only MOM is there, who is strengthening their relationship with S6 and who is weakening it?
Originally Posted by JRizuto
I'm not interested in playing this charade where we act like we're this happy family and go do all these things together, trick or treating, pumpkin farms
She went to the pumpkin farm with S6. Do you think she'll give up trick or treating? Does her walking away from you mean you're walking away from key moments with your son? I divorced my ex-wife. Before we had a custody agreement I attended 100% of events. After we had a custody agreement I attended 50%+ of events.
While I am not concerned what the community thinks, she is. If they think I wanted to get divorced and then moved out that doesn't bother me, those close to the situation know the truth. She does not want to be labeled as a cheater, she has even asked me several times what I've been telling people about what's going on. She then reassures me that she has never said anything bad about me to anyone. Though I know that's not true.
So it seems there is no good way to approach the sleeping issue then lol? If I don't sleep in the bed, then I weaken the bond with S6 while W strengthens hers. She is perfectly comfortable with all of us in the same bed, so she's not going to go sleep on the couch. I shouldn't be telling her where to sleep, that's her choice, so I should just continue to stay in the bed even knowing it's not good for me? I mentioned earlier that my sitch feels different, and I'm thinking it just might be
I am talking about not being normal for him are the family time. I'm not interested in playing this charade where we act like we're this happy family and go do all these things together, trick or treating, pumpkin farms, family vacations, while this is all going on.
That is a great boundary to set with your W.
Setting up a "parenting time schedule" also helps reduce confusion.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sorry, I missed the last part of your post. I'm not sure if she will give up trick or treating, but I think she should. This one is tricky, because we get along, almost 100%, and I could see us continuing to do things like trick or treating together even in future years. The problem is I need to detach and move on, I don't want to be best friends with my XW when this is all said and done. If DB doesn't work, I will be pursuing other relationships, and that won't work for me if I don't find a way to fall out of love with her. And I can't do that while I continue to sleep in a bed with her and treat this as if it isn't even happening
I mentioned earlier that my sitch feels different, and I'm thinking it just might be
Everyone feels like their sitch is different. In hindsight, almost everyone can see that their sitch is very similar to others with some small variations.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am talking about not being normal for him are the family time. I'm not interested in playing this charade where we act like we're this happy family and go do all these things together, trick or treating, pumpkin farms, family vacations, while this is all going on.
That is a great boundary to set with your W.
Setting up a "parenting time schedule" also helps reduce confusion.
Thank you for the validation, I'm glad to see I am doing something right here!
Sorry, I missed the last part of your post. I'm not sure if she will give up trick or treating, but I think she should.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
That is a great boundary to set with your W.
Setting up a "parenting time schedule" also helps reduce confusion.
Golden. That's how divorce works. You want S6 to sleep in your bed and do holiday things with you as often as he does with her. Giving up key bonding moments without an agreement is not as good.
I seem to recall running across a thread somewhere that spoke of detachment and how it should be carried out. Can anyone help me find that, I'm struggling to get to it again. I'm just struggling with how I should do any of this since we don't fight and argue. I don't really say much to her except to respond to what she says to me, and she pretty much talks to me from the time I get home until the time she goes to bed. I'm just not sure how to detach from her but not be cold or mean about it. The time we spend together with S6 is pretty much all I can come up with, I don't specifically want to give up that time but I'm not sure how to have an impact on her otherwise? I will order the book yet this afternoon as well and hopefully find some time to get through it, hopefully it can clear some things up for me. In the meantime, you folks are what I've got
She pretty much talks to me from the time I get home until the time she goes to bed. I'm just not sure how to detach from her but not be cold or mean about it. The time we spend together with S6 is pretty much all I can come up with, I don't specifically want to give up that time but I'm not sure how to have an impact on her otherwise?
Okay, good, so our goal is to Detach/GAL without reducing your parenting time. Well, what do you do from the time you get home until she goes to bed? Can you change it up to include father-son activities like playing soccer or frisbee or Minecraft or Legos or clay work or reading stories together? Can you change it up to include going out for a group run or team sport or cross-fit or dancing or learning something new?
