Usually I have these ideas in my head of what I want to say, and when the conversation comes up it just comes out all wrong.
I learned that less words, the better. Vague can also your friend.
"I am not sure" "I have not decided" "I changed my mind" "I am sorry you feel that way" "I need time to process what you have said" "yes" "No" "perfect"
"I like here" "I think it is best"
The master bedroom.
All the words you need to say: "I changed my mind. I like sleeping here."
Do not try and control her. She is free to sleep where ever she wants. If she says she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you, then you say "You are free to sleep wherever you want."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I told her after this that she should file the papers
she would not bring him there with our 2 boys around because then people would start to believe she's a cheater.
She could simply point to you having asking for a divorce and moving out. Many people recognize the concept of divorce--i.e., she's not "cheating" once you agreed to end the marriage and especially after you gave up sleeping together and even moved out. Of course, social norms depend on your local community.
All the words you need to say: "I changed my mind. I like sleeping here."
Do not try and control her. She is free to sleep where ever she wants. If she says she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you, then you say "You are free to sleep wherever you want."
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She has no problem with us sharing a bed. She thinks should stay as "normal" as possible while this all goes on until we pull the rug out from S6 when one of us moves out. So me sleeping on the couch was 100% my choice because I understand that it's just not good for me. I'm not really sure whether me not sleeping there bothers her at all but S6 ends up in bed with us pretty much every night so it's sure to bring on questions from him.
Thanks Warrior, but I'm honestly not that concerned what other people think in the community. I'm not really sure what she tells other people, but she did slip up once and told me of at least one person she told about the OM. When I pointed out to her that falling in love with another man is an affair, she just said "fine if that's what you want to call it." She knows it's wrong, and maybe this is all a part of the game she has going, but the way she treats it she doesn't really think it's a big deal.
but S6 ends up in bed with us pretty much every night
In hindsight, letting my kids sleep in the master bed was a mistake. I wish I would have taught them to sleep in their own bed at an early age. I am wiser now after reading many parenting books.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
JR I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. As one person already said this will likely be the hardest thing you do in your life or at least in the top 5. I’ve only read through your thread quickly but I’ve got to say you seem rather ridged, black and white and stuck in your ways. Can’t do this, can’t do that - can’t even read the book. Really? Let’s just take the Internet thing - CANT get internet at the apartment other than $32,000. Really? How about satellite internet - available pretty much everywhere in the world certainly the USA. You can get it for about $50 a month. What about local transmitter services that are many places these days. What about a carrier hot spot. Many wireless services provide this or you can even turn your phone into an internet WiFi hot spot. See how there are multiple options to this one simple item? Yet you are stuck on can’t - not available. Would your wife describe you this way? Is this part of the problem?
Then it’s easy to say, I’m just not cut out to DB. Again just not true. It’s back to your can’t mentality. You really need to turn this mindset around. There are rarely things that can’t be done - just people who chose not to try. You can do many if not most all of the things being suggested. Instead of focusing on why it can’t be done how about focus on how you can make it happen. Back to the Internet example which I think really fits with who you are currently, you are so set in can’t be done when if you just said, there has to be a way and I’m going to figure it out, you’d have Internet by the end of the week or would have had it months or years ago. If you are moving it won’t matter but that’s not my point. My point is to show you how things can be done but not if your go to is can’t. I hope you’ll look at trying to change that.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Just to be clear, I CANNOT get Internet at the house. I understand what you're saying, but satellite is not an option because of the trees surrounding the property, I tried a line of sight with Speedconnect and it didn't work (after spending money erecting a 60 foot tower for it), we have a hotspot and it works about 50% of the time. So really, I mean it, my hands are tied on this one. There's give and take when you buy a 10 acre lot way back in the woods and this is one that can't be avoided. This is realism. The book, yes there is probably a way. And as far as I know my "can't" attitude has nothing to do with any of this. Call me what you will, but I don't see it that way, there are just certain things that can't happen.
Now onto keeping things normal for the 6 year old, I agree for the most part, but the things that I am talking about not being normal for him are the family time. I'm not interested in playing this charade where we act like we're this happy family and go do all these things together, trick or treating, pumpkin farms, family vacations, while this is all going on. I would have to look back to who said it, but that was described as cake eating for the W, keeping the OM around and still getting the happy family time with me. Does that mean I should keep doing these things to keep it normal for him? I think it makes more sense for him to get used to only one of us being there for these things.
