Confused and Lost

[KristinG]

Oh and last night she kept repeating how terrible of a person she is and how I deserve so much more. Saying that she could never be mad at me, loves me, etc.. Oh these emotional ups and downs. I'm at least starting to feel more detached around them. The validating and telling myself believe actions not words has helped tremendously.

[ovrrnbw]

Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. None of it adds up. Focus on you! Growth, healing, fun!

[44tries2]

My W gave me the exact same lines...I've been a horrible monster, you deserve so much more... Whether or not it is sincere, it does not matter. It is not enough. As Sandi tells me, it is proven they know what they are doing and are wrong, but continue to do it anyway. It [censored]. But it sounds like you are doing all the right things, except I would say you are still way too available to her. She can call you drunk and you run right over. You have to get respect back and make it clear you are not going to tolerate the affair. Right now, it's almost like you're condoning it. Believe me, I get it, I just don't think your sitch is going to change until you do this 180.

[KristinG]

44,

How do you start to take back respect? It feels completely counter intuitive to just start ignoring her. Maybe it should feel counter intuitive, but I want to stay stable and "be the lighthouse". In our situation ignoring seems like it may come off as rude or cruel. We haven't had any R talks in over a month and so I haven't brought up the affair. This week I finally stopped snooping and checking our phone record so I truthfully don't know if they are talking. Bringing up the AP only makes her angry and pushes her away so I have been avoiding anything around the subject and trying to ignore its existence. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to 180.

Am I reading too much into the poem/writing she sent about how "but I have to take my own path and she can see us together one day in the future chasing the same dreams"? I'm just like WTH..

Ovr, I shot you a comment on your thread and just finished reading all of it. Thanks for the comments!

[Ready2Change]

How do you start to take back respect?

Setting boundaries. Boundaries are there to protect you.


Boundaries teach people how to treat you.

[Caligirl]

The meme she sent I would not have wrote back or acknowledged it . Yes you are reading into it . One minute she’s calling you to come over next minute she’s telling you that you both need separate paths . Believe none of it .

You need to figure out your 180. Mine was always being available . So I stopped . One night H was texting me back and forth . Nothing bad cute stuff . I don’t know why it hit me at that moment but I said to myself this is ridiculous. You leave , say you don’t want to be married then text me all cutesy. At that minute I wrote back I have to get sleep I have a big plans for the morning and don’t want to be tired . Was a total reversal for me . I always would pick up phone ,answer texts , drop everything . Boy did it get thrown up a few times passive aggressively. I ignored it . See he chose not to be here . I did not have to be there every second . Your W chose to have an affair . She is still involved with AP. She chose not to live in your home . Your 180 most likely will throw your W into a bit of anger just ignore it . She will be angry you aren’t there like she thought but stay your course . You are strong and confident !Do not bring her Taco Bell . But you have to 180 because you are just sitting waiting for her to change her mind. She has nothing to change her mind about your still there whenever she wants .

[KristinG]

Good Monday everyone! So deep breath for the weekend update. It's been eventful.

Friday night I went to GAL with a couple of friends. Went to a bonfire because it's finally starting to feel like fall. Everyone started heading home and it was just my friend and I left sitting around the fire and chatting. She is like a second mom to my ww, but we have been very close for several years. I got a huge BD (although I should be surprised at this point) that my ww brought her AP up for a bonfire and to meet everyone last week. She said she just couldn't hold it in and felt like I should know. Said that while they weren't physical, it was pretty obvious to everyone that they were together. I held my composure and just told her that I know ww is making some poor decisions lately and that I am just trying to do my own thing, get a life, and detach myself unless things change. I teared up once or twice, but all in all kept it together ok.

Got home around 10 and went to bed. I'm sleeping as well as I can these days and the next thing I know ww crawled into bed and gave me a back rub. I woke up and asked what she was doing here (at my house). She said she was wasted and took an uber. Wow, ok. So I told her to drink some water and get some sleep and went back to bed.

Saturday morning was pretty great, almost felt normal. We got up, she made me coffee, played some video games and recovered. Saturday night we had plans to watch our favorite football team GO VOLS. I took stuff to make my famous beef stew over to her house and we had a couple of friends over. The entire game she spent more time with her nose in her cell phone every 2 seconds than watching the game or socializing. This has become a common theme when she is with me. It hurts, but I have at least stopped trying to snoop. I know who she's talking to - snooping does nothing but confirm the hurt and further perpetuate my own masochistic nightmare. As soon as the game was over, I said I was leaving and she acted a bit like a jerk as if she were annoyed with my presence. 180 for me - I didn't try to make her happy by acknowledging and trying to fix her blatant rudeness. I simply got my keys and walked out.

Sunday morning she once again showed up at my house before I was even out of bed. Made me coffee and said she wanted to apologize for being such a turd the night before. I thanked her for the coffee. She stayed for maybe 30 minutes and left to go GAL herself. I laid in my own self pity for a couple of hours and tried to muster the energy to GAL. I ended up having a pretty nice day playing some video games and hanging out with my nephew. He's 6, hysterical, and my best friend.

Hope everyone here had a good weekend. I can't say enough that just being able to journal my feelings and get some feedback is helping my own sanity. I know there will be plenty of 2*4s as I am no where near perfect in this journey, but I'm trying my very best and learning a lot along the way. Cheers!

[Traveler]

"I am closer to you now than I was before. The distance between us has not disrupted how deeply I feel for you. I guess I am at a point where having you physically close to me is not my greatest desire but to watch you smile and grow is. I know that we can make each other smile without saying a word but you have your own path to follow and I am sure someday, our paths will meet and we will be together chasing our dream."

Magic Decoder: She enjoys and wants to keep her relationship with you as-is, she's busy with OW just now, but someday in the future she will return (maybe when OW gets boring, too ill, passes on, etc.) Your partner is good with words, and I can see how that could be gratifying and hard to leave.

But you have to 180 because you are just sitting waiting for her to change her mind. She has nothing to change her mind about your still there whenever she wants .

I think Caligirl is right! If she enjoys the perks she gets from both of you--she says she does--why should she drop either of you? You have to decide if you can accept being one of her lovers OR require a monogamous relationship. If you stop accepting her behavior, you have a chance of winning her back or moving on. As-is it seems you are hoping for the day she and OW1 fizzle out AND she doesn't seek an OW2 or OW3 to fill the void left behind from enjoying having multiple partners at the same time.

[may22]

Hi Kristin,

First, I just wanted to say that this all s**ks so badly. Your WW is treating you abysmally and you don't deserve it at all. We are in these awful situations and it is totally unfair-- it is OK to be angry. You have a whole community of people here for you, plus sounds like some good friends and family (and kids are always fun to hang out with and help you forget about the BS going on!) Stick with that and let yourself breathe and let go when you're with people who love you.

Setting boundaries doesn't mean you don't love her, but her behavior is just unacceptable. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is an act of LOVE-- love for yourself because you don't deserve to be treated this way and love for her, because the only possible way out of this terrible sitch is if she decides to change her behavior. And like Caligirl and CW are saying-- there is no reason for her to do that right now.

Think of it like every time you let her come over to your house in the middle of the night, go to her place while she texts the AP, respond when she is sick and needs you-- you're implicitly telling her that you're OK with the situation as it is, and I don't think you are. Your actions are helping support the status quo-- are you OK with that? Maybe thinking of it like that can help you to do the incredibly hard and counter-intuitive work of 180s, setting (and sticking) to boundaries, and detaching-- because you don't want to be complicit in what is going on right now.

You got this!!

[KristinG]

Thanks May. Ok so I am getting to the point, much thanks to the strength from this community, of wanting to lay out some boundaries. Everyone here has been so great. You guys definitely tossed some much needed 2*4s my way.

Would ya'll throw out some example boundaries for me to get me started?! (insert nervous smiley face ) I really want to make certain that:

A) I am doing more by actions and not words

B) I am not setting a boundary that I will not stick to

C) I am leaving the "door open" so to speak bc I really DO want to save our M.

The person that is cake-eating to her heart's content is not the same person I married. I know many of us feel like this. I know that we can never have the R we previously had, but I also know that we were really great together for many years. I want to be true to following my heart and true to my commitment because I am sure at some point, she is going to think - wow, what have I done and what kind of human have I been. The story of the prodigal son rings true to her mindset and I was raised to show grace even when the person may not deserve it. Thanks for the input and help!