Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 3

[LH19]

1. Not insurmountable just easier to detach and give her time and space to potentially miss you.
2. I would just give it to him. He is still your father-in-law.

I am also thankful for my ex. Remember that it could always be worse.

[neffer]

Once a DBer always a Dber CC. Keep doing what works for you. Be there for your D. You both are making new memories. Enjoy that man!

Be strong there. Keep DB!

(((CC)))

[crdcheck]

Question:

Background/Context: W is out of town on a work trip in a few weeks and, with our custody arrangement, I get first right of refusal. I accepted immediately - more time with D and, if I'm honest, I have felt that W and her family (probably others) don't think that I'm up to the task of parenting. At a minimum, they feel that W is a better parent. So, I have a chip on my shoulder about the whole thing - I feel a need to prove that I'm a great parent. If we were still together we'd either take D4 to stay with her parents for part of that time or they would come stay with us. That served both to help me out and give them/D4 time together.

Back to the specific week/question, when I told W that I would be happy to take D4 I meant it, and the opportunity to prove that I can do this on my own is great, but I am left wondering if a) I'm doing it for the right reasons (is part of it to show what all of them are losing?) and b) if it's in D4's best interests. She has a great relationship with my in-laws and I would NEVER keep her from them but it's up to W to make that happen. So, for now, I've landed on keeping D4 for the week. This is early days and I need to live up to the responsibilities I've sought and earned. But should I consider offering "my" time with D4 to them with them in the future?

One reminder on the above - my W has a negative impression of just about everything I do (well, at least she did - we haven't had a real conversation in weeks). Part of my fear of making this offer is that it will be interpreted as me asking for help or showing that I can't handle parenting. Is this fear justified (for now at least)?

Journal

In other news, man, this solo parenting thing is tough. Or, at least it is when I'm also trying to get my house in order (and deal with work, and GAL...). D4 is amazing, the most flexible child one could ask for. But remembering to pack her lunch for just one day, wear blue for team color day on Friday, pick up more ibuprofan, and so on... it's a lot. I still feel that the freedom outweighs the cost (at least, of the previous setup - W rarely let us have 1:1 time).

Part of the overall exhaustion is related to GALing. Going out with people, continuing with that new class, having people over, planning new activities for D4, and really leaning in at work (also a 180) adds up. So, it's fair to say that it's a net positive but it will be nice when things calm down a bit.

[Ready2Change]

with our custody arrangement, I get first right of refusal. I accepted immediately - more time with D and, if I'm honest, I have felt that W and her family (probably others) don't think that I'm up to the task of parenting.

During this period, I suggest always taking the kids. The grandparents can visit with the Kids while the mother is parenting. You can revisit this in the future, like a year or two out.


Same for your parents, they can visit with the kids while you are parenting.

[unchien]

In other news, man, this solo parenting thing is tough. Or, at least it is when I'm also trying to get my house in order (and deal with work, and GAL...). D4 is amazing, the most flexible child one could ask for. But remembering to pack her lunch for just one day, wear blue for team color day on Friday, pick up more ibuprofan, and so on... it's a lot. I still feel that the freedom outweighs the cost (at least, of the previous setup - W rarely let us have 1:1 time).

Part of the overall exhaustion is related to GALing. Going out with people, continuing with that new class, having people over, planning new activities for D4, and really leaning in at work (also a 180) adds up. So, it's fair to say that it's a net positive but it will be nice when things calm down a bit.

crd - When I moved out 4 months ago and expressed my fears about being a single father of 3 small kids, people told me, "Those things are easy. You will figure it out." I thought, yeah, easy to say.

I have felt completely overwhelmed. I completely understand how you are feeling. I felt initially like I was back in my 20s living like a bachelor, not keeping a house in order to the same standards of my W.

Just last week I noticed a subtle shift. I feel more on top of things. I have a routine going. I'm going to organize their play area better. I am turning my house into a home. I feel motivated to be more organized, and not just staring at everything feeling stressed out. I cook. I'm pulling it together. I'm not an expert like my W, but I'm doing better every week and it feels great when thing start clicking.

You are going to get there, just as a year from now this will be second nature to me too.

One thing that has helped me a ton is using phone reminders and note lists. I have a grocery list, Target list, Xmas list, reminders for recurring things, etc. If I recognize I need ibuprofen, I just put it on my Target list and it's done. Maybe that would work for you, maybe something else. You will find your stride and hit on a system that works for you. It might take some time. Don't worry, you can definitely do this!

[crdcheck]

Thanks to both for the advice.

During this period, I suggest always taking the kids. The grandparents can visit with the Kids while the mother is parenting. You can revisit this in the future, like a year or two out.

Done. Retook some more of my autonomy - the upcoming weekend is W's and she is flying out Sun morning. She asked me if I could pick D4 up from her place at 11 AM (she did not volunteer to drop her off at my place). I have yoga at 11 AM (GAL) so I suggested she drop D4 near the studio at 12:30 PM. W said that her parents want to leave earlier, etc. etc. I didn't reply (not holding out, just not replying immediately) and she came back with the parents being willing to take D4 to me at 12:30 (side note: her parents are retired, nothing critical for them at home - in the past I would have deferred no questions asked).

New question: D4 mentioned that she told mom about something fun she does at my place and suggested that her mom come over so we can all three have fun. I told her something like "Hey, I'd love that, too, but this is our house and mom's house is yours and hers". She said that we could invite W over and that W said that it was up to me. Now, my daughter is 4 so who knows what was said, but there have been a couple of examples of her saying that W is essentially happy to do things the three of us and I don't think that it's right for her to put D4 or me in this position. Thoughts on if or how I should address?

Journal:

Past couple weeks have been tough as noted in previous posts. I still miss W. It's small more than big things. But it's also FOMO - D4 wanted to facetime her mom Sunday night and we agreed that we would make that happen. W told D4 that she went over to her boss's house on Saturday to make dinner for their entire department. Don't get me wrong, I was having fun, too - had bro and his kids over that day, spent a lot of time with D4. It just would have been better with W. I feel like she's chosen so much over me (work, time with her boss) and, well, D4... it's hard not to feel intensely rejected. I feel a need to be chosen. My work is going ok but I keep seeing people doing better and that adds to the feeling of rejection. My brother has been a huge help in all of this (then again, his wife still hangs with W... her choice, I respect it... just wish I had something to myself) but my parents have been non-existant. My mom texts me out of the blue today to ask me to tell her "when it's all over". Uh, ok?

So yeah, then I get to thinking about all the fun times I've had with W and I can't believe they're gone. I get it that there are others out there and that I have an opportunity to grow. But there are also a lot of crazies. And who does W end up with? Someone who is bad to D4? Someone who encourages W to spoil D4 and damage our relationship? What if she moves to her home city? There are just so many unknowns and I see us as so close on so many things. All I ever really wanted was to be recognized and loved.

Finally, W is being very clinical with the divorce process. Essentially saying what is happening step by step, borderline ordering me to sign at certain points. I can't believe how certain she is of this. I mean, I haven't tried to stop her since... July? And I mean, I stopped with pushing counseling, etc. in early June. She moved out in Aug. How is she going full-speed at this? If she called me now asking to pause, part of me would say to myself "hey, she can't just come back when she pleases, think through what you need" and another part would be "YES YES YES!!!!". Clearly she doesn't have the latter but not even the former? I don't get it. I want this to be done.

[LH19]

CC,

I think you need to tell wife that doing things together as a family does not work for you and that you would appreciate it if she didn’t tell daughter it was ok with her.

Your second to last paragraph consists a lot of “catastrophic thinking” google it.

Lastly, trust me she’s not a 100% sure she just isn’t going to give you any indication that there are doubts. Most of the doubts become erased because she believes she can have you back at anytime.

[crdcheck]

I think you need to tell wife that doing things together as a family does not work for you and that you would appreciate it if she didn’t tell daughter it was ok with her.

Makes sense. Any thoughts on how to answer the inevitable "why"?

Your second to last paragraph consists a lot of “catastrophic thinking” google it.

I know, you are right, but seeing all the other people going through divorce and hearing their horror stories... well, catastrophes happen. Having said that, I'm not letting it overtake me.

Lastly, trust me she’s not a 100% sure she just isn’t going to give you any indication that there are doubts. Most of the doubts become erased because she believes she can have you back at anytime.

I'll have to take your word for it. She seems super confident. Also, don't only something like 10% of divorced couples remarry each other? Anecdotally those on this board say that they wouldn't get back with a cheater. In a way, it doesn't matter: what I'm doing, I'm doing for me and D4. This is me wrapping up my feelings of rejection (past and ongoing) into my sitch.

So, have faith in me, but also keep challenging me - I appreciate it even if I don't like it (ha).

[LH19]

W this will be confusing to D thinking that we are an intact family when that is no longer the case. If pushed harder tell her that it effects your ability to heal and move on.

She has to seem super confident. What kind of feedback would she get if she told everyone I’m not totally sure but I’m pretty sure I want a D? Well as long as you’re mostly sure then I guess you should still go through with it or if you’re not 100% sure don’t go through with it.

My ex’s brother remarried his W, my BFs ex girlfriend remarried her husband and one of my friends parents reunited after 35 years. I have read it’s 10-17% remarried. You figure at least another 8% who are together that aren’t married and then at minimum 25% who tried to recon where the LBS told them to kick rocks. That gives you at minimum a 50% chance you get another shot. The timeframe is usually 2-5 years. Most won’t wait that long.

[crdcheck]

W this will be confusing to D thinking that we are an intact family when that is no longer the case. If pushed harder tell her that it effects your ability to heal and move on.

Good advice, LH - I'll keep in my back pocket.

She has to seem super confident. What kind of feedback would she get if she told everyone I’m not totally sure but I’m pretty sure I want a D? Well as long as you’re mostly sure then I guess you should still go through with it or if you’re not 100% sure don’t go through with it.

It's more her actions, lack of calls/texts/etc. even re: D4.

My ex’s brother remarried his W, my BFs ex girlfriend remarried her husband and one of my friends parents reunited after 35 years. I have read it’s 10-17% remarried. You figure at least another 8% who are together that aren’t married and then at minimum 25% who tried to recon where the LBS told them to kick rocks. That gives you at minimum a 50% chance you get another shot. The timeframe is usually 2-5 years. Most won’t wait that long.

Yeah, I probably won't. Or, at least, will need to define "wait" broadly. I'm not interested in getting remarried any time soon but I'm also not maintaining a holding pattern indefinitely. It's not good to have people in and out of D4's life so I'd like to settle down with someone longer-term sooner than later. It's not that I have a timeline as much as it is that, if something great comes along in a year (let's say) am I really going to ignore it or let it walk away while waiting for W to see the real me?

So, gave my FIL the gift, even though he is actively avoiding me (e.g. when I dropped D4 off at school where they were meeting her for grandparent’s day my MIL came to the car to get D4, FIL stayed by the school door). I included a note explaining the gift, made no comments about the divorce or anything else. He sent me a very nice text back. Thanks for the advice to give it to him, I feel that it was the right choice.

Journal/Other

I read a short article on the impact of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) on adult relationships and it hit the nail on the head. There are a lot of areas that I’ve been proud of (e.g. my independence) that now actually appear to be liabilities. This isn’t about feeling sorry for myself, it’s more an area I can explore and improve, both for myself and D4 (it’s passed down from parents – I don’t want D4 to deal with the same stuff I’m dealing with).

On a semi-related note, I was talking to a guy at a bar (we met through our kids at the playground down the street) and ended up having a long conversation. His W cheated on him, they are divorcing but still living together (?!?) and he deeply loves her. We were talking about my sitch and he asked me if I love my W. It’s such a tough question to honestly answer – there’s no one (save for D4) I would do more for and I know that I haven’t felt like I do about W about anyone else but there are also feelings of exhaustion and, frankly, dislike for her at the moment. His view was that if I don’t know for certain, then I don’t. It’s a bar conversation so I don’t want to put too much weight on it, but I do sometimes wonder if this CEN thing (just read the definition today but felt some of it for a while) keeps me from having strong emotional connections or if I truly don’t love her, that my need to save this marriage is driven by something else.

GAL still going reasonably well, expanded it to include mundane things (e.g. build the shelves in the garage, pull weeds) along with maintaining other activities (yoga, weekly class, get together regularly with my brother). Not to mention planning activities for D4. Oh, I'm proud of myself - made pesto pasta with chicken for myself from scratch (including the pasta) last night!