What should I do if WW brings up moving back in and working on MR again? Do we then discuss conditions and boundaries? I just don't another relapse. I do detect inconsistencies in her statements and she still works with AP. I honestly think that she's still in her fog, and just trying to alleviate the pain of losing her stable connection at home, but once back home, she might then focus on her desire for the affair again.
I don't think 3 weeks is enough to make her realize her wrongs and to stop it esp. considering she is a serial cheater. It sounds like a temp check. She needs to think she may have lose you. The suggestion from others to tell her you need to think about it is perfect. She needs to figure out how to change herself and be able to verbalize and show that to you. That's something only she can do. Not having you as a crutch may help that along.
Something to think about. Do you want this M back right now or do you want your M back forever?
If you want it forever you really need to somewhat dig your heels in the sand with her and stop letting her dictate how this is going to go. You want a new, non-cheating version of your W, who puts in effort and works with you to make a better M. Who you have now is not going to put in the work because you are making it too easy.
Maybe I misused the phrase "temp check", but I assume we have to maintain some communication occasionally to see where we stand or if anything has changed? I guess I'm temp checking only when she reaches out to talk about us, so I'm curious to hear what she has to say or if she's still lying / confused in her affair fog. Other than that, I'm not initiating any temp checks.
When she is out of her fog, you will know! Temp check is what the WW does to make sure you are still secured perfectly as plan B.
Yeah... from what I gathered, she claims to have done some reflection to realize the positives of the MR, but she hasn't read up on any books, nor is she seeing an IC.
I think she's just trying to relief her pain / withdraw from security detachment, but not really working thru it or trying to end the affair. My fear is that if I let her come back now, her pain goes away, then she flip flops back wayward focusing on her excitement / withdraw from the affair.
I really need her to be grow and be educated on her emotions and needs... she's smart, but I think she's deep in the fog right now. I have concerns that even after the fog, she won't really do enough self discovery to realize what she can do herself to make her happy in any relationship.
Million dollar question... if 3 weeks is not enough, when is it enough?
Originally Posted by MMM12
When she is out of her fog, you will know! Temp check is what the WW does to make sure you are still secured perfectly as plan B.
Looking back, do you think / realize you were in the fog?
Yeah... from what I gathered, she claims to have done some reflection to realize the positives of the MR, but she hasn't read up on any books, nor is she seeing an IC.
I think she's just trying to relief her pain / withdraw from security detachment, but not really working thru it or trying to end the affair. My fear is that if I let her come back now, her pain goes away, then she flip flops back wayward focusing on her excitement / withdraw from the affair.
I really need her to be grow and be educated on her emotions and needs... she's smart, but I think she's deep in the fog right now. I have concerns that even after the fog, she won't really do enough self discovery to realize what she can do herself to make her happy in any relationship.
Million dollar question... if 3 weeks is not enough, when is it enough?
Originally Posted by MMM12
[quote=LovingIt] When she is out of her fog, you will know! Temp check is what the WW does to make sure you are still secured perfectly as plan B.
Looking back, do you think / realize you were in the fog?
She needs to realize the positives are so good that she can't imagine creating a better life with anyone else. And that you won't be a doormat to her affairs any longer.
I don't have the answer to the million dollar question. Her growing and being educated in her emotional needs is going to take time. If you keep letting her off easy, eventually she will just discard you. You won't have any more value.
I have read on these boards that many waywards don't truly do the self discovery until after R or years down the road after D. They're too much into the fog. This makes sense to me now.
I absolutely realize I was in a fog. My situation was quick, just a few months. I also have never cheated although I have imagined cheating many, many times in my life. I have realized recently that I have a very wayward mindset, I just don't act on it.
Something to think about. Do you want this M back right now or do you want your M back forever?
If you want it forever you really need to somewhat dig your heels in the sand with her and stop letting her dictate how this is going to go. You want a new, non-cheating version of your W, who puts in effort and works with you to make a better M. Who you have now is not going to put in the work because you are making it too easy.
Aside from not being okay with her move back in... what else can I do to dictate the situation. I can be a complete a-hole (which I'm fairly capable of, and have been in my MR if you read my thread), completely dark, or file for D?
Here's my last text exchange with her this weekend...
(Friday) WW: Are you goin to (place), if so when WW: I need to stop by and grab something ME: What time are you thinking? WW: I don't know WW: Did you not want me to come by ME: You can grab stuff WW: Are you trying to avoid me then? ME: Didn't think about it either way WW: Okay WW: Just wondering if there was a reason you wanted the time WW: I can give you a heads up beforehand
(no response from me)
(Saturday) WW: Ok probably going to take the bus over soon ME: okay WW: Where did you go ME: (place) WW: Jealous WW: Volunteering at (some other place)
Aside from not being okay with her move back in... what else can I do to dictate the situation. I can go completely dark, or file for D?
Here's my last text exchange with her this weekend...
(Friday) WW: Are you goin to (place), if so when WW: I need to stop by and grab something ME: What time are you thinking? WW: I don't know WW: Did you not want me to come by ME: You can grab stuff WW: Are you trying to avoid me then? ME: Didn't think about it either way WW: Okay WW: Just wondering if there was a reason you wanted the time WW: I can give you a heads up beforehand
(Saturday) WW: Ok probably going to take the bus over soon ME: okay WW: Where did you go ME: (place) WW: Jealous WW: Volunteering at (place)
(no response)
No, don't go dark or file D. You're thinking too extreme. Keep up your GAL and self-care, read some past threads and read the advice given. There is a lot of good stuff of these boards. My advice is only to not jump the gun and want to put a band-aid on the problem. Go slow. Like others have said, don't consider anything until the AP is out of the equation etc. I'm simply reiterating to not be a doormat and the perfect plan B. You don't need the dictate anything. Just don't be her puppet. Example what not to do: She calls you run to her. You agree to everything she wants when she wants it.
Aside from not being okay with her move back in... what else can I do to dictate the situation. I can be a complete a-hole (which I'm fairly capable of, and have been in my MR if you read my thread), completely dark, or file for D?
Going dark is not being a jerk. It is just not initiating contact. Many have the wrong idea about going dark. You do not ignore her. Here are the rules:
1) Do not initiate contact. 2) If she initiates contact, don't answer if its a fall call. You are busy. Call her back at your leisure later. If she texts, do not respond to the text right away. 3) Speaking of texting. If she texts, you only respond to questions. If her text is informational, no need to respond. If it is a question, answer it, but again, not right away. Answer on your time.
On the questions of filing. Do you want a D? Until you can answer that question with a "yes", then do not file. Never file for D to try to evoke a reaction. It almost always backfires.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
WW still living somewhere else, going on 5 weeks now. Last in person talk was 1.5 weeks ago when she mentioned the idea of moving back in. Been in NC still, just few text exchanges on "business" stuff. Maybe WW was trying to run into me at home last couple of times, but I was not home.
Part of me wants to call her out on the affair and lies when we talk, but I feel like that's not the right DB approach. Not sure if this comes off as me being a doormat. Trying to find the right balance to handle the affair and lies. Part of my 180 was not to be angry, and throw around my "power" of ownership - I know, childish... so I have been not escalating any discussions, and being polite if she needs to come home to grab stuff.
Started reading No More Mr Nice Guy, but after the first chapter, I feel like it doesn't apply to me as much. I've always been argumentative and confrontational (if you read my back story). I'll keep reading the book, maybe I can still pick up some bits and pieces of how to be strong and respectful.
For now, continuing NC and giving her time and space. Been enjoying time alone, starting to find that I can appreciate the moment much more when I'm by myself and have time to think.
