WMLC - Thoughts appreciated!

[WMLC]

Thanks, Job.

Not sure if she intends on filing, etc. She is cake eating a bit here. Best to just not take the bait, even though limbo land is an unpleasant place to be.

[WMLC]

I find myself in between two different strategies in dealing with my WW/MLCW. I would love to get the pros' guidance on how to proceed effectively.

Here's my sitch: M 20 years, T 25 years. S18, S 11. BD 7/19. We have been separated for 2 months, per MC recommendation. W stays at a friend's house each night, but returns to the house each day to run her daycare business. We see each other in mornings and evenings when I get home from work. She comes over for Sunday dinner with me and S11, per MC recommendation. Relations are always under control and cordial. She has used all the MLC jargon: "ILUBNILWU" "I don't feel any connection" I've changed" etc. Has never used the actual word D, but says that she wants that. I do not want D and prefer to try and work it out. I have zero proof, but feel very strongly she is having an A. First question is, should I try and get proof of A? I feel like I can't have any honest discussions about our situation unless I know for sure.

As far as strategies, I was taking my lead from an old thread from AmyC. I was working on being the lighthouse and standing for my M. I was lovingly detaching and being as friendly and positive as possible while focusing on myself and spending time with S11 and increasing GAL activities. I felt my W was just too "comfortable" with this tact. No movement or discussion any type of resolution.

A few days ago, I switched the tough love/WW in an A approach as discussed by Sandi2 in older threads. I feel that this approach has her on her heels and she is not controlling the situation as much. She may be beginning to think I am going to leave, and with that, so too will some of her comfort.

I am prepared to lock-in to either approach. Understanding my preferred result is to R, which path should I go down?

[job]

I have merged your two threads together because you have not reached the 100 posting/reply limit on the original thread. You can change your subject line within a thread at any time.

[peacetoday]

seriously I dont know if anything really works in MLC

The DB approach has always presented a more dont snoop approach
work on your own healing and gal ect
be the lighthouse

for me that approach helped me detach from my xh and it created a peaceful separation

at times I was distant and not ias nvolved when H came by the house and sometimes he sought me out
but he stayed his course
I tried a few strategies but none really worked

maybe read more about the one you are considering and get more facts-statistics
Ive heard of tough love--dont know anything about it

would it help you to know she is having an affair?

I did not snoop until the end -when I had to know, and I found out
It didnt change much once I knew

He choose her and his new life anyway-

A db coach once told me to do what felt like it brought us closer and at BD time it did help calm things by me backing away

The bottom line was the MLC usually will do what they want
there is no set technique to work but you can try different ones to see
we dont want to give them a ticket to prove they are right in leaving
but I totally get what your saying

Its more about us and using the time to grow, detach, love from a far, forgive and heal-

[WMLC]

Thanks, Peace. I think knowing for sure would help me maintain the tough love approach. W has been cake eating, and it needs to stop. I think she expects me to act “afraid” of a D and of seeing my kids impacted by a D, so she feels like she can keep me for comfort and keep (likely) OM for intimacy. The tough love approach from me would also represent a 180 from my usual behavior.

[DnJ]

Hello WMLC

For a WAS or MLCer the approach is the similar. The spouse has made a statement of it being over and wanting out.

Time and space, digging deep for patience, focusing on you and kids. These provide the best chances at things turning around. Your W needs time and space to change how she feels and thinks.

It is staggering how many MLCers have affairs. The OP meaning nothing. That relationship is build with lies, deceit, cheating, etc...; it’s built upon sand, and that is a very poor foundation.

I do not want D and prefer to try and work it out. I have zero proof, but feel very strongly she is having an A. First question is, should I try and get proof of A? I feel like I can't have any honest discussions about our situation unless I know for sure.

You do not want a divorce. Ok. You can’t control not getting D. You can control - you not pushing for D.

This is a small but accurate detail. “I do not want to push for divorce.” This you can do something with. The other way leaves it up in the air, and focuses on what she is doing. Focus on you, and what you can do.

This also acknowledges and readies your mind for the possibility of her pushing for D.

I would not suggest snooping for evidence regarding an affair. It will not alter her path, and quite likely have the opposite effect you are after. Not to mention it is going to hurt.

Yes, truthful conversation regarding R will require open and honest admitting of an affair, along with a great many other things. However, those days are a ways off at the moment.

I am prepared to lock-in to either approach. Understanding my preferred result is to R, which path should I go down?

The general advice, and my recommended course of action, is save yourself.

Find detachment and indifference. This is the single best thing you will do for yourself. Uncoupling your emotional attachment to W might sound wrong, it is not.

W needs time to fix herself. She is not in a place to work on R right now. You detach, let go, forgive, etc... all that inner work. Give her plenty of time and space, while you keep busy, active, and live. The roommate approach for example.

You grow, heal, become the best version of you - all regardless of what she is doing. That will possibility attract her, cause her to become interested, maybe even follow that beacon you become. However, those are her choices. And you have your choices.

Stand until you’re healed enough to not stand. Then you can decide further choices. That time is further down your path.

You have the gift of time, use it wisely. Use it for you.

DnJ

[WMLC]

Had MC tonight and we are proceeding to D. My W simply will not work on the M and is pretty clearly involved with someone else at this point. Is it odd that I almost feel relieved to no longer be in limbo?

[DnJ]

Hello WMLC

I’m sorry MC did not work out better. Yes, W simply will not, or more accurately cannot, work on the M currently.

How did the decision to proceed to D happen?

It is usually recommended to let your spouse do the heavy lifting to obtain a divorce. From what I recall you were not wanting one; give it a few days before you do anything actually towards that end. Also, a lot of MLCers change their minds, constantly. W may not want a D tomorrow, and then back again, and so on. Follow her actions not her words.

It is perfectly normal to feel relief at the thought of exiting limbo. Please be careful - a feeling does not your truth make. Your feelings can and will change, ensure you are following something bigger and deeper.

This development is not all that unforeseen, and doesn’t really affect your path that much. Focus on you and keep moving forward.

Post whatever you like. Ask whatever you like. We are here to help and support you.

Stay strong.

DnJ

[WMLC]

DnJ,

The decision came from the discussion where the W just “can’t see a future together.” She also kept bringing up inane things from the past as some sort of rationale for not being able to move forward. I said if you don’t want to work on the M, there’s no point in continuing the MC. The MC backed me up on this point. I then said. “If you are done, you need to end it.” The MC asked if I meant that because she knew I don’t want a D, and I looked at W and said, “I’m letting you go. If this is what you want, you need to move on.” It took her by surprise, as she thought I’d never let go because of my feelings for her and the kids. She will not change her mindset until she feels some sort of loss, and I understand that even then, nothing may change. No matter what, I’ve been given the gift of time and I intend on using to better myself.

[peacetoday]

Sorry WMLC...they do seem to get stuck on their course of leaving

I know for me, MC was a complete waste and the same thing happened to us
XH did not want to work on M, He had A partner and was going to leave as soon as he could convince me and the therapist that he was right in his choice to leave.

And all of that looked good for him at the time, he was free, in a new R,much younger OW, He had a good job, he looked good/lost weight and was happy to get a new start---

Fast forward 10 years--
He has had much trouble with OW--they got D and not sure but maybe back together

He lost his family, of origin kids, and close friends

he lost his high paying career and worked as a clerk in a store, he became addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol and so did ow

His freedom became his nightmare


Truthfully in my opinion, it does not matter which way things turn

You can let her go, do your life, be cordial and kind or no contact
she will do what is best for her

If she is in MLC, you will notice her choices getting poorer, you may see a decline in her decisions or drugs/alcohol/spending
also her parenting skills decline-I would watch the kids and see whats going on in that department

either way, you can continue to watch from a distance

If she wants to come back- you can leave a door open if that is what you decide

You dont have to make any choices today

You dont have to help the D, if she wants it, she will file

but I would definitely know your financial and legal rights because some MLCers will want to get as much as they can with no thought about you or the kids.