Confused and Lost

[Caligirl]

I agree with a few of the others with the phone . If you have set time aside with her and she is distracted or messaging AP just walk away . I agree with not putting a time frame on someone’s phone use.

I think I posted on someone’s sitch about a boundary I did with H. He has a bad habit of raising his voice . Always escalated between us . He did this few weeks ago . I stated if you raise your voice again I will hang up . He raised his voice . So I hung up . He then called a ton back . I didn’t answer . He sent nasty messages . I responded the same thing . You tell- I hang up . You send me nasty messages - I won’t respond . Last time it’s happened . See the boundary was mainly for me . I know how we escalate fights so I chose to eliminate it . It’s not even an option.

If you allow her to come in after drinking and stay . You have relayed that it’s ok . Simple and to the point . You come over drunk -I will not open the door .

Once you start becoming more confident with boundaries you will get better at them . She will argue or try to over them . Ignore it . H tried to say he didn’t use any name calling or bad language I should not have hung up . I didn’t budge on my stance you raise your voice - I hang up .

Good job on not texting first or calling . Try getting off phone first and being busy. I know how hard it is .

[KristinG]

OK.. apologies for long rant coming. I need to vent!

SO last night she asked for me to come over and look over some insurance options with her new job. She wanted to build a fire and roast some hot dogs. I agreed as it was a nice night and went. She had another friend there from work and we all spent most of the evening sitting around the fire chatting and having a beer. I went inside to use the restroom and found confirmation of PA still occurring. INSTApissed. Deep breaths, calm down, don't explode on her cheating butt.

Managed to get calmed down and return to the hang out. I kept pretty quiet the rest of the evening and was trying to keep my emotions in check. Friend left and it was just her and I. She initiated an R talk which hasn't happened in a couple of months. She wanted to know what was bothering me and could tell something was off. I was just trying to listen and validate and not bring up the PA or the AP.

She kept pushing to find out how I am feeling and I caved. I told her that I don't want to, nor will I, be a third party in this love triangle. I told her that I knew they were still sleeping together. She tried to deny, deny, deny. I told her about the red handed proof and she confirmed the PA. I tried to remain calm and unaffected. I cried quite a bit and she just kept hugging me and saying she doesn't want to lose me or everything we have worked so hard to build together. She feels as though her friends and family will never accept AP because "you're amazing and my whole family loves you so much". I told her that I want her to be happy in life, even if that is not with me. She hugged me again and I told her I just want space from her right now.

I left.

I'm in pieces today and trying to hold it all in at work. I already feel like someone ripped out my heart all over again. How is it that it has been a year of H*LL and I still hurt over her? Trying to center my thoughts and form a mental game plan for myself and self care.

[44tries2]

Sorry, K...2x4 incoming...((hugs))

How is it that it has been a year of H*LL and I still hurt over her?

I think you already must know the answer to this deep down. YOU are allowing yourself to continue being in hell indefinitely, and feel like your heart is being ripped out over and over again. Not only is that doing nothing to help your relationship at all, but it is killing YOU.

When you see her all the time, talk to her all the time, go to her house for your social hours...you will NEVER stop feeling the hurt over her. Finding confirmation of the PA? Emotionally devastating on a night you could have been spending time with some people who TRULY care about you, investing in yourself and one of YOUR dreams, the possibilities are endless, but instead you were doing the most self-damaging thing possible.

I'm sure you ARE amazing, and your W knows it. And she also thinks she can have it right alongside with AP. It simply can't go on. You are devaluing your own worth, which we just confirmed is very high, in both her eyes and yours. You cannot have heartfelt talks with her. She denied, denied, denied the PA even when directly confronted. Not until she had nowhere else to run, due to your proof, did she change her tune. This should be very telling for you. Your conversations are going nowhere and only take place to soothe your W and assure her that everything is still going according to her selfish, out of control plan.

You have told her you want space. STICK TO IT. You have the "ammo" now of just confirming the PA to justify why you want nothing to do with her. Not that you needed it, but I have been in your shoes and not known how to do a 180 out of nowhere when I have been friendly and suddenly try to close the door. You feel like you need an excuse. Well now you have one. Stay strong.

[Traveler]

I told her I just want space from her right now. I left.

Kristin, this is the perfect no-contact boundary. You caught her lying red-handed about a major issue. She admitted you are high value. She admitted she doesn't want to lose you.

I believe holding this line is by far your best chance.

Change the locks before she takes the choice away from you. When you think of caving in--and you will whether it's tonight when you crawl into bed or when she sends you a poem or tomorrow when you wake up--pour your heart out here or to any other friend you have who will listen and sleep on it a few days.

Emotionally devastating on a night you could have been spending time with some people who TRULY care about you, investing in yourself and one of YOUR dreams, the possibilities are endless, but instead you were doing the most self-damaging thing possible.

Read this again and again and again. Stop touching the oven. Separation is agony but you will heal with time. You won't heal and will remain in this painful place as long as you keep touching the oven. When she has to deal with the pain of your loss, that's when your best shot will come. <3 and hugs.

[ovrrnbw]

Deep breaths, calm down, don't explode on her cheating butt.

I think an explosion would have been warranted, but good on you for remaining calm. You have every right to be mad. Moving forward, you are going to have to remember to not believe anything she says, because you have no trust.

I told her that I don't want to, nor will I, be a third party in this love triangle.

Now comes the hard part, can you walk this walk?

I'm in pieces today and trying to hold it all in at work. I already feel like someone ripped out my heart all over again. How is it that it has been a year of H*LL and I still hurt over her? Trying to center my thoughts and form a mental game plan for myself and self care.

You are still letting her hurt you, I think you do this because you have hope and you love her and I totally get that. I've been right where you are. It took me close to a year and 8 or 9 times of running back to OM before I finally said enough and went NC for long enough for it to set in.

You're right to center your thoughts and make a game plan going forward. In the interim, I would do what you said and take your space, take your time. Spend some of it on healing, some on growth, some on work, some on fun. Just do K for a while. You're a strong, smart, caring person and that is something to be proud of.

[Ready2Change]

I told her I just want space from her right now. I left.

I believe holding this line is by far your best chance.

When she has to deal with the pain of your loss, that's when your best shot will come.

I completely agree. Show by your actions that you want nothing to do with her while she is having a sexual relationship with someone else. Let her miss you. If you are important to her, she will come begging for you to take her back. At that point you will have grown a lot have more tools to deal with her. Believe me, I have seen this play out many times.

Change the locks

I strongly suggest doing this today.


I am sorry you have to go through this. We are here for you.


HUGS

[may22]

Hi Kristin,
Just want to lend my voice of support to the others. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this and last night sounds awful... but:

I told her that I don't want to, nor will I, be a third party in this love triangle... I told her I just want space from her right now.

I left.

you should be so proud of yourself. You stood up for yourself, set some healthy boundaries, and left. Good for you!! You did it! Now the hard part is sticking to it but I agree with everyone else-- change the locks, stay strong. Call up friends and family now and lay out a schedule for the rest of the week to do fun things with people that love you-- lock those in. Go to the movies, go to the gym, buy yourself a good book, eat your favorite foods... treat yourself because you deserve it and stay busy.

HUGS. You got this.

[KristinG]

Thanks so much everyone. Today has been rough to say the least. NC so far. Trying to stay calm and strong. Planning on going to a friends house for dinner. Not sure what tomorrow holds, but I'm going to try and stay positive. Thanks so much for all the hugs and encouragement.

[Ready2Change]

Planning on going to a friends house for dinner.

Perfect. Stay focused on the moment. Give yourself a break from thinking about the past or the future.

[IronWill]

Hey Kristin -

I agree with the others 100 percent.

Good for you, standing up for yourself and setting a great boundary. It may hurt a lot now, but you just showed how much you respect yourself.

Now is the time to focus on you.

Stay strong!