Also, I know I definitely deserve some 2*4s, so no worries about hurting my feelings. At this point I'm just working on strength and finding a focus on my own.
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
"I already have plans, but thanks" "Unless things have somehow changed for you, I do not want to spend time together." "AHHHH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY?!" haha
Since the two parts of the strategy are for you to stop touching the oven and for her to feel a sense of your loss, shorter = better. Think no response, long delays in responses, and to the point responses.
"No, thank you." is plenty!!
Originally Posted by "Kristin"
I am epic failing at DB with not responding to her texts.
You are SO not an epic failure! No contact is hard. You're fighting bravely for love! Every hour of no contact is an act of compassion for you and your partner, who we hope finds her way back to living authentically.
"Unless things have somehow changed for you, I do not want to spend time together."
Avoid this, it's a temperature check. "unless things have somehow changed for you" is really asking her "have things changed for you?" Don't ask. If and when things change for her you will be the first to know. A better response would be "given our current situation, I think it would be best not to spend time together."
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I am epic failing at DB with not responding to her texts. Mostly, she is treating me as a friend and as if nothing happened. But also confusing the heck out of me with texts about her new job and adding me as beneficiary, talking about retirement plans, giving me financial advice. I have responded, but tried to keep it short. "Ok, thanks, etc" It's making me so angry how easily she can get her hooks into me for a response. I'm reading and re-reading all of your posts and encouragement.
She is most definitely engaging in cake-eating. She wants a fling, but wants the "security" of your marriage when it suits her. But just keep in mind that appeasing her in her cake-eating is NOT her path home. She's got to learn to miss you.
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I was thinking about things last night and how do Sandi's rules change or alter when dealing with a WS as opposed to a WAS? Many of the rules seem drastically soft to be enforced on a S in an active affair.
Sandi talks a lot about earning respect back when dealing with a wayward. The things she is doing to you are VERY disrespectful, starting with the affair, and continuing with acting like nothing is wrong, showing up in the middle of the night uninvited and with zero notice, etc. The way you start to get respect back is by setting up boundaries and not allowing her to treat you like a doormat. You make it clear that you will not be Plan B.
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I'm making plans again tonight with a friend so I'm successfully removing myself from hermit mode.
If she texts asking you to spend time together . Long response time back . Then respond I have plans . If she asks you what you are doing . Again wait a long time . Out with friends . Do not answer anything else . You are doing great at starting to detach and distance .
I use the when I don’t know what to say I say nothing too !
Get out and have some fun with your friends .
The planning retirement accounts together . I wouldn’t respond to it . Do not read into it .
Hey DB warriors! Just wanted to give a quick weekend update.
Went out and GAL Friday and Saturday night with some friends. Dinner and movies and games - oh my! It was actually kind of nice to have distractions, even if just for a little bit. WW and I friendly texted all weekend, but I have been successful in sticking to my guns on not spending time together or seeing each other. I'm finding it easier when I don't see her to focus on myself. Whenever I feel anxious or scared about the future, I gently remind myself that this is also a gift of time to decide if she is someone that I want. BD #2 has made my emotions a little on the up and down side as I am sickened that they are/have been still physical.
WW has been freaking out a little. I think it's because she can sense that I am serious and will not tolerate the triangle any longer. She keeps calling me pet names, saying ILY, and telling me that she can only see a future with me. I haven't really responded other than to say that I want the same things, but will not be in a triangle.
I'm laser focused on myself and growth. I haven't talked with our mutual friends about anything going on which also feels nice. At first it felt weird, as if I was hiding something. Now, I'm proud of the fact that whenever someone brings up a temp check on our R (ie: So how are you both doing? Are ya'll working things out? Etc) I can just say "I just want to spend time with you and not think about anything for a while. I'm working on myself." It feels empowering.
Anyways, I hope you all had a good weekend and I'll try to catch up on your threads to see how everyone else is doing!
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
I strongly suggest to pull back on the texting as well. She need to really feel what it is like to not have you in her life. She has to miss you and want you back. She has to really jump through hoops to get you back.
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WW has been freaking out a little.
Pull away and she pursues. You want her pursuing you.
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I haven't really responded other than to say that I want the same things, but will not be in a triangle.
Change your response. Vague is a good tactic right now. "I am not sure what I want now"
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I can just say "I just want to spend time with you and not think about anything for a while. I'm working on myself." It feels empowering.
Great response. Another good response "It ran it's course"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Went out and GAL Friday and Saturday night with some friends. Dinner and movies and games - oh my! It was actually kind of nice to have distractions, even if just for a little bit.
Perfect!
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WW and I friendly texted all weekend, but I have been successful in sticking to my guns on not spending time together or seeing each other.
I agree with R2C, cut way back on the texting. Don't initiate at all, and when she does then be brief with your responses.
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WW has been freaking out a little. I think it's because she can sense that I am serious and will not tolerate the triangle any longer. She keeps calling me pet names, saying ILY, and telling me that she can only see a future with me.
Yes, that's a typical reaction when they feel their grip on Plan B slipping.
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I haven't really responded other than to say that I want the same things, but will not be in a triangle.
She says shes only sees a future with you? Don't reply. She says it over and over again and asks what you think? Tell her you will not be in a relationship with a cheater. Don't play her mind games. Your attitude should be that as long as she is cheating you will not be her friend, her confidante, her Plan B or her future. PERIOD.
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I'm laser focused on myself and growth. I haven't talked with our mutual friends about anything going on which also feels nice. At first it felt weird, as if I was hiding something. Now, I'm proud of the fact that whenever someone brings up a temp check on our R (ie: So how are you both doing? Are ya'll working things out? Etc) I can just say "I just want to spend time with you and not think about anything for a while. I'm working on myself." It feels empowering.
Ok guys! Work in progress. Quick feedback for potential responses for a text this morning.
Her: "I sent you an invite to Thanksgiving Thursday at the house. You don't have to bring anything but you're still family. If you don't wanna come I understand."
What do I say? It's so far away. I don't want to think that far into the future at this point. I love her family and they have been my family for almost 8 years now. I want to go - but also want to do the right thing for me - but I want to go.
Tips?
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
A simple throw-away response for such cases--"I'll think about it."
Originally Posted by "KristinG"
I love her family and they have been my family for almost 8 years now.
You say they're like family--have other family members invited you directly? E.g., is the host inviting you directly or are you your ex's "plus one"? My partner was sometimes invited to occasions with her ex's family--she explained she would not go to events with him. Now she's sometimes invited and her ex is NOT invited. If your partner were not going, would they invite you? Would you go? What if the AP were there? Just some questions to ask yourself when you are ready to decide. Good job not seeing her this weekend!
