I need a concrete amount from loan. I don’t have extra $ to throw around. As it is I already have to come up with $xx. Do you think I’m made of $? So once again, I’ve been getting f*#ked all along!!!!! We need to discuss this ASAP.
You have infinite choices.
1) No response. 2) "I understand your frustration" 3) "I don't have extra money to throw around either." 4) Send me a proposal and I will review it.
Do you have any others?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Today I was eating lunch with some colleagues who happen to be female. One lost her husband to a heart attack 7 years ago and another to suicide 8 months ago. They were saying some real interesting things. How they love being alone, that they can come and go as the please, no one to answer to, they can eat what they want and when they want it, they will never get married again. Both these women are in their 40s. I asked you don’t want a companion? Both said no they don’t want to be tied down, they enjoy their freedom and their kids. Is this a new “bug” that a lot of women get? I have spoke to a few others who said they just love being single and not having to answer to anyone. Is it no one wants to work on anything?
You talk about this like it's some kind of affliction or that there's something wrong with them. These women have both been through hell, and perhaps they choose to go to the grave remaining loyal to one man, even after his death. I applaud them for that.
When we are in our 20's and dating we have not established a career yet, we don't have kids, we don't have many responsibilities, we don't have a permanent home. It's easy to devote a lot of time to a new R, and it's also very easy to take your pickup load of belongings and move in with them somewhere. Relationships are really easy at that stage of your life. When you are in your 40's or later you've established a career, you have kids, perhaps even grown kids. You have a home, you have a busy schedule where nearly every minute is allocated to something. The little bit of spare time you do have is precious and you want to use it for something you personally enjoy. Where is the time there for a new relationship? At that age you're not embarking on a new adventure with someone, you're trying to figure out how to squeeze them into your already-busy life, and you're trying to sort out what will happen if it gets "serious", do you want to bring this stranger into your family? Your home? Are they even going to want to leave their home to move into yours? And if they do, are they going to want to change all your furniture around? Do you want to see their belongings taking up half your shelf space? What if they are a slob and leave the bathroom dirty every morning? Etc. etc. etc. It's a big, big, BIG deal, believe me. I 100% understand their attitude and honestly I feel much the same way. I have a girlfriend, but her impact on my life is pretty minimal. We text, we go on a date every other week and other than that my life is unchanged. I have had all the above thoughts and yes, I too have thought it would be easier to be single then to try and restart a life with someone new.
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That we have become a culture of very selfish people?
What is selfish about remaining single? Selfish is getting into another relationship because you think you need to fill a hole in your life. Remaining single is strength, independence, self-reliance. EVERY SINGLE LBS HERE should spend some time single to sort themselves out before embarking on a new R.
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Look i took the family out to dinner at least twice a week, granted it wasn’t just the 2 of us. Many times I asked her to go out for a drink and she said no. She doesn’t like to drink, yet that’s what’s she does all the time now. I said to her numerous times let’s put the kids to bed early and have a movie night. She would say, you know I am tired and will probably fall asleep. I said that was ok. But we did t do it. Or if we were both home at the same time and kids were at school I would take her out to breakfast. It’s like I tried and tried. But the few mistakes I made she could never let go. She brings up fights we had 10 years ago.
Yes, so what does all of that tell you? You actually did try, and this journey she's on is more about her than it is you or anything you did. Could you have been a better H? Yes, we all could have. Would it have made a difference? No, probably not. If you had been the perfect H you would more than likely still be here, and be even more confused about why.
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Here is a real open ended question. If so many of us have almost the same story and I have read a few. (Scary how almost to a “t” the wives did and said the same things.) How come leaving us was so similar to each and everyone of our stories, why is there no solution?
Why is there no solution to depression? Because medical science does not understand affairs of the mind well at all. And walkaways, they are dealing with mental issues they don't even understand themselves, it's similar to depression. No one understands this, it's what we've told you pretty much since the day you arrived here. You don't, we don't, your wife doesn't, the medical field doesn't. Maybe some day there will be better understanding of this, but for now, we DB.
Wolf, you've got to quit asking "why". It prevents you from moving onward and upward. You've found literally a thousand different ways to ask why, and we've given you one answer for all of them- WE DON'T KNOW WHY. That's the only answer you will ever get.
I need a concrete amount from loan. I don’t have extra $ to throw around. As it is I already have to come up with $xx. Do you think I’m made of $? So once again, I’ve been getting f*#ked all along!!!!! We need to discuss this ASAP.
I am so tired how this is what she wants but she thinks she is getting s*#ewed. How do I respond?
Stick to business. "I am available on XX day between XX and XX to discuss, let me know what time works for you." Ignore the emotional part of it. If she continues to rant and rave then establish a boundary. "I will not be spoken to in this manner. If you wish to discuss this in a civil manner then I am happy to listen, but if you are going to launch personal attacks on me then the conversation is over." Don't validate personal attacks.
Yes ignore the emotional part of it. Go "grey rock" Look up "grey rock method" for dealing with narcissist. Don't respond to any emotional attacks or provocations. Keep it business as usual. Or don't respond at all. Probably the latter is best, unless you want to get down to business and settle this?
AS the k you I will just stick to business. I am doing better with setting Jon kinda ties and not allowing her to speak to me this way.
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Yes ignore the emotional part of it. Go "grey rock" Look up "grey rock method" for dealing with narcissist. Don't respond to any emotional attacks or provocations. Keep it business as usual. Or don't respond at all. Probably the latter is best, unless you want to get down to business and settle this?
Thank you I read it and it makes a lot of sense. I will continue to be they “Grey rock”.
Very sad right now. Just got an email from the lawyer to set up a day to come in and sign the paperwork. Never did I ever think she would follow through with all of this. The “believe nothing of what she says and half of which she does” didn’t hold true with me stbxw. She followed through and everything said was true. I will be strong and go in with my head held high. That’s all I can do. I guess it is official for me to start my new life. Honestly I feel bad for my kids. They deserve to have both parents present, and not be bouncing back and forth. Thank you all for trying to guide me, I made many mistakes but I also learned so much. I will be the best boyfriend/husband in my next relationship. I learned about validating and it has been great. The other saying I think about all the time that many of you have said was, “would I rather be happy or right?” I choose happy for now on!!!! I recognize what I contributed to the downfall of my marriage, I also know it is not all my fault. I feel like a wrecking ball has hit me and I need to pick up the pieces and put my life back together. Honestly I hope she finds happiness because that is what she is searching for. I will find someone who is better than my wife. I can only look forward at this point. No more looking in the rear view mirror. I was really hoping I would have been a success story.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I was really hoping I would have been a success story.
Signing the paperwork is not the end. Just a step in the process. Keep focusing on improving your behavior. You will be a success story either way. She may have a change of heart in the future.
The key is you will a much healthier person. You can look at yourself and make positive changes. Fix you. You will be a great dad. These relationship skills directly translate to parenting.
Keep distilling information. Learn new ways of interacting. At some point, you may be leading W through her personal growth.
Marathons are very long.
My signature:Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just to clarify, we talk a lot about being the rock and the lighthouse, but that is not the same thing as going grey rock. Grey rock is a technique you use on psychopaths, narcissists and toxic people to get them to leave you alone. You basically make yourself as emotionally neutral and boring as you can around them so they lose interest in trying to get a reaction out of you.
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Never did I ever think she would follow through with all of this. The “believe nothing of what she says and half of which she does” didn’t hold true with me stbxw. She followed through and everything said was true.
Removing pressure doesn't always stop the D process unfortunately. But you tried and you should be proud regardless.
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Honestly I feel bad for my kids. They deserve to have both parents present, and not be bouncing back and forth.
I do agree, but this happens all the time and kids are indeed resilient. It's certainly not optimal but they will come through it fine.
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The other saying I think about all the time that many of you have said was, “would I rather be happy or right?” I choose happy for now on!!!!
The full saying is "Would you rather be right or happily married?" The idea being would you rather constantly argue with your wife or GF expecting that at some point she will admit you're right (which probably won't happen anyway), or would you rather let go of that need to be right and instead focus on listening and validating which diffuses the situation and allows you to continue on happily in your relationship with her. Of course it's rhetorical, everyone should answer they would rather be happy, so the point is we should quit trying so hard to argue that we are right and they are wrong. Because in the end what matters is how they feel and how we feel, and we should try to make them feel like they are heard and respected even if we don't believe what they are saying. Because if we make them feel like that then they will want to make us feel like that as well.
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I was really hoping I would have been a success story.
Success does not have to mean recon. I survived the mess. Two of my kids are now grown, out of college, moved out and working. I pay my bills, I do stuff I love, I have a great GF. I love my life. Would I love it better had I reconciled? I believe my life is playing out exactly as it was supposed to, call it God's plan or destiny or whatever you want, but it was inevitable. So I spend ZERO time thinking about "what if". Right?
Wolf...I'm sorry to hear that it's come to paperwork for you and all of the emotions and feelings that represents. Been there, done that. BUT I'm also happy for you as that means your future and hopes and goals and dreams and perhaps amazingly hard to believe HAPPINESS once again awaits you.
You've done all you could, learned alot and improved yourself beyond perhaps what you ever thought possible. Look forward buddy and be that great Dad...lots of good things in life yet to come for you!
