Midlife wife crisis11

[IHCLACS]

Well I guess you guys are right. None of us should ever get in another relationship again because someone on FB is always going to have a better one.

Google: Abundance vs Lack mentality

LH19 not sure what you're implying by that or what kind of meaning you're assigning to it? I don't see what Facebook has to do with having another relationship after the last one has failed? What I am saying though in my last post is that it is a distraction. it can be a relationship killer if you're constantly glued to your phone and not interacting with another person in the same household that you share for whatever reason that might be. Some people falsely use it as a comparative of their lives to others. Some use it just to waste and kill time. Some use it to search out other people. Some people use it to organize events and stay proactive and certain things some people use it to promote their business. The point that I was trying to make is. we reach out from work connections with strangers on a daily basis than we do with the people that are closest to us, or so we thought so I'm naming it as a relationship killer. We are going from a virtual world with many options into reality with some options. Online dating is practically a meat market. Swipe right swipe left we're practically people shopping. Instead of walking up to someone of interest organically and having a conversation with them whether they are sharing our interest or complete strangers. What I'm trying to say is the very thing that we are pursuing on social media is a very thing we wind up not just going out in the world and doing. it's more talk and sharing of opinions and values that it is I'm actually going out into the world and sharing experiences and getting to know someone organically. Also the standards that people put up on their profiles, and also the delusion of that even though what this person's likes may share some of our values they may actually not when we meet them in real life. Having the same Hobbies passions and interest doesn't necessarily mean you share the same values with another person. Also disqualifying People based on their status attractiveness looks lifestyle in a virtual world wind up having the opposite effect of what you're there for in the first place. You are there to meet people and you want to do an exactly opposite because of selectivity. social media makes connections but it also takes away the human interaction. The virtual reality offers us so many choices but so little experiences. 50 years ago people used to have socials 4 gallons and meeting other people. 30 to 40 years ago. Even 15-20 years ago people went to nightclubs to "hook up" and meet people. The last 15 years has been online dating. I used to be able to capitalize on it as an average Joe. but it was still a numbers game. now forget it 80% of the women out there looking for 20% of the top guys. if your profile ain't right if you're picturing just right if you're not selling yourself and if your profile doesn't say the right things you won't even be considered. There's also a dual mating strategy going on too. Either you have money and status and are economically viable being a beta. Or you are attractive good looking have good genes and make them feel emotions and are alpha. I'm not disagreeing with you with the abundance versus lack mentality. I totally agree with that. We can't play victim or blame shift our circumstances. but there is something terribly wrong with the relationships in our culture today the expectations that come with it, and the double standards. maybe I'll get into to the subject on my own post at a later time instead of hijacking Wolfs.

[LH19]

Well instead of posting endless posts playing the victim, why not taking that energy and put it towards becoming the top 20%?

[Ready2Change]

This post by LH is your golden bullet.

your relationship dynamic "ruined your life". You were together for 8 years before you had kids am I am guessing life was pretty good then you were probably doing things as a couple, you were playing softball going to the gym and she probably had her own things going on. Then you had kids and early on it was great your guys were new parents and you were doing family things and life was great. Kids start getting older and your W takes on the role as the main caretaker for the kids and most of her attention goes to the children. Suddenly Wolf is number 3 on the list and he's not getting his needs met. So he doubles down on the housework, grocery shopping, yard work, stops playing baseball and going to the gym. Now as for your W, she doesn't want a butler she wants a H who understands her, appreciates her, listens to her and treats her special. So now Wolf is getting bitter that he is doing all these things and he is still not getting his needs met so he tries even harder to make her happy and takes another job for 5 vacations a year. Guess what she's still not getting what she needs and Wolf is still not getting what he needs. W can't figure out how wolf can be so stupid to not know what she needs. He should know! So now the passive aggressive comments are thrown at wolf and he doesn't stand up for himself or argues with her to defend himself. W loses more respect for him because he allows the disrespect and guess what now his daughter is starting to take notice. Wolf gets reinforcements from his friends and friends wives "I don't get it you do everything around the house, yard, take her on all these vacations how can she not be happy?". So now Wolf is sure it's her or MLC or something. Outsiders never know what truly is going on inside. If that was the key to happiness rich people would never get divorced. So now youre two people who are angry, bitter about not getting your needs met and it came to a point that your W is done. IMO you're both equally unhappy it's just that you're identity is REALLY tied to being married and you're able to think logically about time with kids, finances and without working hard on yourself you will more then likely end up in the same dynamic again.

My story is the same in that my ex and I were two people who had no clue on how to communicate and meet each other's needs while on the outside seeming to have it all.

My advice to you is stop blaming, Facebook, MLC, the fact that your W can support herself and doesn't need you to take care of her financially and learn from your mistakes. Learn to listen, communicate, command respect and stay away from covert contracts.

The beauty of it all is those things will be what brings her back.

Lastly, if you can have zero expectations, be playful with your W if you want. You should be playful with all women and it's good practice for you.

This is my story with my X. This is the story of soo many here.

[IHCLACS]

Well instead of posting endless posts playing the victim, why not taking that energy and put it towards becoming the top 20%?

Working on it. Moving in a week. Starting up a new business. Making plenty of plans with friends. Going to build up social circle, plan for vacation, activities, church, band. Making bucket list plans. ROLLING SOLO. I already wasted a year worth of my life as far as having new experiences dwelling in this. I learned a lot as a result of it though. Time to live it.

[LH19]

IH,

That’s the best post you have made to date!

[Wolfman]

LH I didn’t mean that FB was the only thing. I know I have my faults and I have been working on them, it is also hard to work on them when it has to do with showing her love. You said about me helping her out and being a butler. I am confused then, if she asked for help with those things, I shouldn’t have done them? I was trying to help her out. She complained that she was overwhelmed with everything so I tried to help her. I do realize beside that I could have just been more loving to her. Random text messages and going out on date night. Just trying to make her feel special. I know this now but it’s hard to implement those things when we are about to sign papers to be divorced. And look there were times I did stand up to her. What happened we had a major blow out because she never quits. Look i took the family out to dinner at least twice a week, granted it wasn’t just the 2 of us. Many times I asked her to go out for a drink and she said no. She doesn’t like to drink, yet that’s what’s she does all the time now. I said to her numerous times let’s put the kids to bed early and have a movie night. She would say, you know I am tired and will probably fall asleep. I said that was ok. But we did t do it. Or if we were both home at the same time and kids were at school I would take her out to breakfast. It’s like I tried and tried. But the few mistakes I made she could never let go. She brings up fights we had 10 years ago. When does someone let them go and move on? I guess never with her.

IH good job with your GAL. I definitely can do better. Even to this day my life still revolves around my kids.
IH I get what you are saying about social media. It has really changed the dynamic of relationships. People are so worried about others that they forget about their own life. I looked up abundance vs. lack mentality. My w had lack. Never enough, always something wrong, jealous, she hates to praise people, never wanted to think someone was better than her. I was the opposite, trying to find the positive.

Here is a real open ended question. If so many of us have almost the same story and I have read a few. (Scary how almost to a “t” the wives did and said the same things.) How come leaving us was so similar to each and everyone of our stories, why is there no solution? It’s like if there is a problem with a gas tank on a car and you know how to fix it then you should be able to fix the gas tank of every car. I feel like so many of us have got here the same way yet we can’t fix it the same way. Like I said a real open ended question. Maybe Sandi can chime in, she went back to her husband.

[Ready2Change]

It’s like if there is a problem with a gas tank on a car and you know how to fix it then you should be able to fix the gas tank of every car.

Most people don't know how to fix the gas tank, and find it easier to just replace the car.


Even those that do know how to fix the gas tank, they never have, so they let fear stand in their way. Still easier to replace the car. Everyone tells them the car is old and they should get e brand new one.

[LH19]

W,

It's hard to explain the entire dynamic to you in one paragraph but if her complaints are valid then you should help her. But of course that doesn't mean do everything. Also, you do it without expectation. Why do you comment you're less angry and more calmer now? What were you angry about?

Most of the advice I'm giving you is for your next relationship. To use a car analogy, you can't let everything go in a car for multiple years without maintenance and then take it to a mechanic and say fix it. He's going to tell you it's too late and to take it to the junkyard.

Again another response from you completely bagging on your wife. What are you trying to save? Your marriage sounds horrible.

As for your last point I have thought about being an advocate for having classes in school and college about comminucation and especially how men and women communicate differently. Out of all the semi-useless classes I have taken in my life, a class that can keep families together sounds way more important.

[Wolfman]

I just got some angry text message from w. She is so angry that she has to buy me out and pay off a loan we took out for the kitchen remodeling. Here is what she text me.

I need a concrete amount from loan. I don’t have extra $ to throw around. As it is I already have to come up with $xx. Do you think I’m made of $? So once again, I’ve been getting f*#ked all along!!!!! We need to discuss this ASAP.

I am so tired how this is what she wants but she thinks she is getting s*#ewed. How do I respond? It’s non stop with this woman!!! She wanted divorce but I guess it’s not what she thought it would be and is now projecting.

[Ready2Change]

It's hard to explain the entire dynamic to you in one paragraph but if her complaints are valid then you should help her. But of course that doesn't mean do everything. Also, you do it without expectation.

Also, she should be doing things for you.

It all comes down to respect and love.


Woman:"Will you buy me a drink?"
Man:"Absolutely, after you buy me one"



Men should love their woman. Women should respect their man.