Ok I think we need to slow down here and I can see how you're confused. Right now we don't think there is an actual affair so let's table asking her to leave for right now. Also for future reference you can't legally kick here out anyway.
Let's also forget about the boundaries for a minute until we see where you stand.
IMO you have to let her know you know what's going on if it is unacceptable to you and will not be tolerated. If you are going to blow this up and she says "to bad I enjoy it too much to stop" and there is no recourse then don't bring it up. This is where a boundary comes in and you should read up more on boundaries. A boundary is to protect you. I will not live in a marriage where my W posts provocitave pictures of herself on the Internet. What you don't do is give her an ultimatum "I forbid you from posting provocitave pictures of yourself on the internet". You see the difference? The first is protecting your values and the second is trying to control her. Now remember boundaries if crossed need consequences so if you set a boundary you need to implement consequences if crosses which must be substantial or you will lose more credibility and respect which in turn creates less attraction.
IMO creating a fake account is passive aggressive so don't do it. Calmly, look into her eyes and tell her you know what's going on and I would leave the house and go for a drive and let her sit with it.
The number one problem here early on is the WW has lost respect/attraction for the LBS and the LBS desperately trying to save his marriage does desperate and needy things that actually makes situation worse. If you can avoid that you can stay ahead of the game.
I'm going to go a little against the grain here. I think you need to work on sex appeal and attraction with your W. I think you need to remain calm for the mean time and not worry so much about her as much as you worry about attracting women in general. But, what is your goal here?
Maybe R2C or some of the gals here will chime in, but she wants to be desired and you aren't going to be able to go from 0-100 overnight. When I was attracting the most women in my life, I was in a good place mentally and able to have fun doing anything. I'd talk to any girl at the bar because I was just enjoying myself, and other women were attracted to that. Right now, I imagine things are pretty tense in your head. That vibe won't work for you well.
Iowa, what are you doing that women find attractive and what are you doing that is unattractive? Are you in shape, do you dress nice, speak well, wear good shoes, make strong eye contact, smile, have nice teeth, do you work on your career, learn things?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I could use some help to save my marriage. Can it be saved? I dont' want a divorce with two small kids.
Originally Posted by Iowadazd
I'm so confused. I keep reading what was said and my head is spinning.
Maybe I wasn't clear in my post. I'm not sure if I can be married to her for her actions. I was the only that brought up divorce. I brought up sleeping in the other room.
Now I am confused. Do you want to save it? Or do you not want to be married to her for her actions? See, here is the thing, we can't help you if you don't know what you want yourself. And that is okay. If you are confused we can help you with that as well.
I know when I discovered my W's EA I wanted to fight to save our marriage. After we started Ring I had a bit of buyer's remorse. Confusion is part of the situation. You just need to try to sort through all of that and decide what YOU want.
Originally Posted by Iowadazd
I was talking to my brother-in-law (W's sisters husband) about what happened. He suggested that I create a fake account then expose her on that website. I thought it was a decent idea.
I think this is a terrible idea. Between this and just confronting her, I would choose confronting her. But obviously it is up to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
IMO you have to let her know you know what's going on if it is unacceptable to you and will not be tolerated. If you are going to blow this up and she says "to bad I enjoy it too much to stop" and there is no recourse then don't bring it up.
Straightforward? You have zero control over whether or not she secretly exhibits herself on the Internet and claims she's in an open marriage. You vote with your feet whether or not you accept this. If you don't accept it, state your boundary and enforce it. It's weak and common to state a boundary then NOT enforce it.
It's your call if this is worth enforcing a boundary. If you can't, make peace with that.
Your wife bared her breasts and told them she's in an open marriage. I don't see a whole lot wrong on the guys' parts in propositioning her. Just pointing that out. Anger at the APs may be misplaced here.
Edit: Sorry you're in this situation! It sounds awful. Many awful situations here. Good luck deciding which future(s) you're willing to accept and taking actions in-line with your personal values.
On emotional boundaries, I think what was meant was you need to detach your emotions from her actions.and words. That is detachment. Is it hard? One of the hardest things you will ever do. But, if you can do that it will set you free. As I said, google "self-differentiation in marriage", it is another way of describing healthy, loving, emotional detachment.
Having your happiness tied to another person's, even a spouse's, words and deeds is a dangerous way to live. And if you think about it, it isn't even fair to put that on another human-being. Especially as CW pointed out, you have no control over anyone except yourself.
IA, yes this is all confusing. Very confusing. In my sitches (both of them) I was more confused than at any other point in my life. It gets worse before it gets better......but it does get better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I tried to be up all weekend, but was unsuccessful. So I just played with my kids or kept to myself. I didn't interact with the wife much. My wife kept asking if something was wrong. I just said I was tired from work. I tried to avoid one-on-one conversations. She also propositioned me a couple of times and I said no. She actually came into the bedroom only wearing a robe and flashed me. I think it was to get a reaction.
I watched a college football game with my friends, but they lost so that didn't help.
A few things. I did sign up for the site. I decided that I needed to see what was going on a regular basis. She didn't post anything this weekend, thankfully.
I've looked through your comments-thanks. But I don't understand a few of them. I don't want to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex now. I don't care about other women and this point and frankly I'm baffled why a pro marriage site would say this is ok. I understand making myself more attractive to my wife, but I don't get trying to get random women to hook up with me. I'm not sure how detaching from my wife helps anything. If anything I think it will help me decide to move forward with the divorce. If I detach, I don't care what happens to her.
As for the divorce decision, I don't want to split up a family. At the same time, I don't know how I can forgive my wife and move forward. It's a huge gut punch. I don't think my wife really gets this. She doesn't understand why I'm acting weird. She just thinks we are going through a rough patch. Not to mention we couldn't afford to keep 2 households.
I had a thought about cutting the internet service to the house and relying only on phones. Then I could limit her access to posting photos. Then I could avoid the confrontation and hope that she'd stop doing this.
I want to talk to someone about this. I can't afford regular counseling but the local college has a clinic run by students that I make look at. This is eating me up inside.
I'm not sure how detaching from my wife helps anything. If anything I think it will help me decide to move forward with the divorce. If I detach, I don't care what happens to her.
Remember that DB'ing is counter intuitive.
Have you read the pursuit and distance thread in my first post on this thread?
I’m not sure where you got the idea but obviously you shouldn’t be with other women right now. However becoming more attractive is a goal to achieve because it will help you attract your W back.
Obviously your W posting pictures on the internet is a concern but the reference of she thinks of you more as a brother then as a husband is just as concerning. That’s why becoming more attractive is imperative.
I had a thought about cutting the internet service to the house and relying only on phones. Then I could limit her access to posting photos. Then I could avoid the confrontation and hope that she'd stop doing this.
As a former controller, I can tell you from experience, that the LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that try to control their WAS/WS. Remember, you have control over one person.
Not sure how getting rid of home internet limits her ability to post pictures? Because you are not on an unlimited cellular data plan? Do you think that really will stop her? Or will that just mean you incur more cellular data costs...because trust me...if that is what she wants to do she will continue to do it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
