Therapy is expensive and poorly covered by insurance and if you can't afford it... you can't afford it. I've been in that boat myself and can sympathize.
I have great insurance and my teens are insisting I stay in my support group. They'd rather cut back somewhere else so I can keep going. Their stance is they need me to keep it together and they say the group helps.
I'm scared. What if my car breaks down again? What if I get sick? Can I cut my food costs by 50%? How much will it cost me to get divorced? Will WAH be fair or will he fight me over lifetime alimony (long marriage/SAHM)?
I rented a house near my estranged mother (20 years) thought it meant we'd reconcile and I wouldn't have to be alone. That didn't happen but this morning I realized it means I'm healing.
I contacted my mother and we emailed for 2 days. Once when she didn't answer right away I sent this what can only be described as a needy, desperate message. I offered to sell my soul for her love and she took me up on it.
Within hours I knew I was about to jump off into yet another painful, codependent relationship. I knew I cared more than she did and if I continued I would get hurt so I stopped.
This type thing is what I have done with my parents, my friends and men. This time I didn't do it, didn't want to do it. Never thought I'd feel this way ever either.
S19 is taking psychology in college and he says the pain of D is worse than a death. I can see that because while both are painful one was a choice which makes it more devastating.
When a loved one goes missing and presumed dead well meaning people try to convince them to "let go" and "move on" but they can't unless it's truly over or until they are ready to give up.
On separation, some sites say give up hope and others say people give up too soon. My WAH left 7 months ago and I beat myself up for having hope like I'm doing this wrong. I can move on and let go (GAL, detach, etc.) but I can't give up....not yet. I read stories here and unless it's truly over (D) people seem to take 1.5-2 years to give up.
I'm going to stop feeling ashamed for still having hope 7 months out. I'll probably feel stupid later but for now this is where I am.
No one is telling you to give up. In fact I am curious what giving up means to you?
You have to move forward and do what’s best for you and your children. My concern when I read your posts is that you use your children as pawns in the process.
No one is telling you to give up. In fact I am curious what giving up means to you?
Giving up means no hope. I have hope. It's years out but it's hope.
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You have to move forward and do what’s best for you and your children. My concern when I read your posts is that you use your children as pawns in the process.
Some of your posts have stung. I'm strong enough to take the hit yes but is it too much to ask for just a tiny bit of compassion/understanding from you?
I will be as honest as I can and I'm not making excuses I'm simply explaining. Childhood trauma has left many scars one of which is fear of abandonment. I started taking a new med after he left which has given me the mental capacity to make lasting change but it's not a quick fix (I wish). I'm also in a trauma type support group.
Yes I have used my kids as pawns (so has WAH). My IC knows the good, the bad and the ugly. I've held nothing back. She says I've come a long way in terms of doing anything manipulative to try and get him back. But lets be honest it didn't work and it's never going to work. I was naive and stupid for thinking it would. He's not coming back for them or money. He'd rather live in a cardboard box, penniless away from his kids than with me.
If (big If) he comes back it will be when I am safe, when I am healed, when I am whole and if he is still available. If he comes back it will be for me and me alone. He may never come back. Want to know why I didn't want to accept this truth? Means I'd have to actually FEEL the pain. Would be so much easier (on me) if he just came back with minimal effort on my part.
That said we are a family divided and I don't think it will be fixed anytime soon. I've done damage. WAH has done damage. It's a huge mess. This separation has done a number on all of us WAH included. To further complicate things to heal and get whole I have to stay NC therefore I have to parallel parent. I CANNOT get better with him in my life. That is my truth. I'm not just getting better for him I'm getting better for my kids as well. They need me to be what is it "lighthouse" while WAH works 80 hours a week and goes on his own journey away from me/us.
This turned into a book and I can't explain where we all are as a family in 5 paragraphs. It's been 7 months and we (WAH, me and our kids) are all doing the best we can even if our best isn't very good.
I am sorry my posts have made you feel that way. I am a very direct poster so if it makes you feel uncomfortable I will not post on your thread anymore. I know that this is a difficult situation for everyone involved as I have been through the entire process. It is troubling to me when children who are involved get stuck in the middle because the parents can’t put their differences aside and be amicable at least when it comes to the kids. One of my best friends had that happen to him and it still effects him to this day.
Ironically I just saw his parents together in the grocery store together again after being apart 35 years. So there is always hope!
I am sorry my posts have made you feel that way. I am a very direct poster so if it makes you feel uncomfortable I will not post on your thread anymore.
Please keep posting. We are just having a conversation that's all. I'm fine. I will ask for what I need when I need it. Sometimes I want bluntness and sometimes I need a virtual hug. Today it's a hug day.
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I know that this is a difficult situation for everyone involved as I have been through the entire process. It is troubling to me when children who are involved get stuck in the middle because the parents can’t put their differences aside and be amicable at least when it comes to the kids. One of my best friends had that happen to him and it still effects him to this day.
Let me tell you WAH's part in this. He wanted me to fail (kids confirm this). The script was since I'm mentally ill I was supposed crash and be institutionalized (exaggerating) while he rode off into the sunset with both his kids and his money. S19 told me last night that WAH is still waiting for me to fail. Due to my issues with men he expects me to have someone new moved in before he has to make one court ordered alimony payment. He didn't expect me to get better (neither did I or the kids).
We can't be amicable so that is why we parallel parent.
I'm no stranger to things happening to happening in childhood and having it affect you later as an adult. I'm 53 years old and I'm still not over what my parents did to me. Thing is I know my parents did the best they could. I haven't forgotten but I have forgiven.
Ok K I will stay with you. He’s definitely not going to like you thriving because all WW imagine the LBS waiting around wallowing in their misery forever.
Yep I’m there with you. Raised by narcissist (f) and an avoidant (m). Actually same for my ex accept the roles were opposite. Not the greatest role models as we set out on our life together. I spent quite along time blaming this on my father (at least part of it). Until one day I realized I’m a grown man who made his own choices and decisions (mistakes). I also realized they did the best they could based on their past.
Now what better way to show your H your getting/got your $hit together then putting your differences aside and coparenting through email.
S19 appears to be okay. He goes back and forth between us. D17 says she's fine at home but wants counseling due to social anxiety that was there before WAH left (I didn't know). She says she angrier at WAH than I am (I'm sad not angry). I'm not the reason she stopped talking to him. He yelled at her quite a bit after he first left for daring to mention my name. S19 and D14 learned to be quiet but D17 isn't a quiet kid. He hurt D17 pretty bad. She will forgive him it's just going to take time. I've tried to talk her into talking to him again but she says no. Go read rooskers thread and you'll see how this works with teens when parents act badly.
WAH is clinging to D14 and my mothering gut tells me my best course of action is to back off and let this play itself out. WAH hasn't lived with any of our kids for 7 months. He already has a relationship with S19 so he set his sights on D14 who can easily be bought. She wants to live with me but won't abandon him. I can respect that.
It's only been 2 weeks so I'm not seriously concerned about her.....yet.
Ok K I will stay with you. He’s definitely not going to like you thriving because all WW imagine the LBS waiting around wallowing in their misery forever.
S19 says WAH has convinced himself that I am not better. I don't believe this of course he knows. My former, unmedicated crazy self would not have the self control I have now. After 30 years my WAH knows me better than anyone.
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Yep I’m there with you. Raised by narcissist (f) and an avoidant (m). Actually same for my ex accept the roles were opposite. Not the greatest role models as we set out on our life together. I spent quite along time blaming this on my father (at least part of it). Until one day I realized I’m a grown man who made his own choices and decisions (mistakes). I also realized they did the best they could based on their past.
Same. Narcissist father, avoidant mother - WAH's father was detached and mean (not narcissistic) his mother was avoidant. All our parents were neglectful.
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Now what better way to show your H your getting/got your $hit together then putting your differences aside and coparenting through email.
I'm not ready. Over the weekend S19 had WAH on speaker phone and I ran from the room (discreetly). I can't see him. I can't hear his voice.
I can email but honestly what would I say that he doesn't already know? He talks to the kids directly.
