Confused and Lost

[Ready2Change]

Her: "I sent you an invite to Thanksgiving Thursday at the house. You don't have to bring anything but you're still family. If you don't wanna come I understand."

"I'll think about it."

Good words.

or another path:

"I appreciate it"


This will confuse her. She will be thinking of you. Do you want her thinking of you? All is fair in love and war


Her:"What does she appreciate? That I invited her? That She doesn't have to bring anything? That I still think of her as family? That I understand if she doesn't wanna come?? How should I respond to that??"

[AnotherStander]

I would go with "Thank you but I've already made plans." And then make other plans

[may22]

Hi Kristin,

Great job not seeing her this weekend-- and looks like you can already see the impact it is having on her. If you need some support to lay off on the friendly text responses-- just see how much the NC is working so far in person and you can bet that non-committal, irregular text responses will have the same effect.

And for Thanksgiving-- love CW/RTC's responses. And also why not make other plans anyway per AS and not go to her family's? That way you aren't worrying about what it will/won't be like with her there; you can avoid seeing her and her family and the potential pain that might bring; things will be much more under YOUR control than hers. A marathon, not a sprint... skipping Thanksgiving this year in the service of the long-term might be a good trade.

[KristinG]

So I went with similar to RTC. I just said "Ok, thank you"... leave 'em guessing! Anyways, I'm really trying to scale back the texting comm, but I know it will take work on my part. Just like R won't happen overnight, I can't just flip and switch and go full NC. I'm making progress so far though with all the help and advice from everyone - so thanks! I definitely do not reach out first and I try to keep my responses short (which is a big 180 for me). I'm reminding myself daily of what I want in a future R and how I deserve to be treated. I think we all forget these things from time to time.

[Caligirl]

Try to start putting more of a delay in your responses or if it’s not a question no need to respond . I found it it’s not a question to not respond so helpful when not knowing what to say or if I should . I like your answer about the holiday. Short and no need to elaborate. Keeping giving to her distance . You are doing great !

[KristinG]

Hey guys. So it's officially been over a week since I've spent any time with ww. Longest we've spent apart in almost a decade. Ironically, today marks the 1 year anniversary of BD "I have feelings for someone else". Stupid Halloween. Her favorite holiday and quite obviously, my least favorite. However, I am not going to let some stupid date on a calendar ruin a perfectly rainy day here in Tennessee. I am enjoying everyone at work all dressed up and festive. Still not sure what my plans will be for the evening, but either way, I will try and enjoy the day.

In other news, ww and I have still been talking via txt and calls quite frequently. I don't know if she is still in comm with AP, and I haven't snooped to find out. I think I'm finally starting to build some walls of protection for myself. Boundaries. I keep repeating one of the suggested replys to her on here and it has become my mantra.

"Given our current situation, I don't think spending time together is a good idea"

It's baby steps for me. I have discovered that I need to work on the unhealthy attachment we both have for one another. Regardless of whether we decide to R, it's not a healthy level of "neediness". Throughout the years, we somehow managed to move from being an excellent team together, to relying on one another for emotional support and happiness. Anyways, I am still focused on enjoying my life without her. I hope everyone is having a Happy Halloween!

[ovrrnbw]

I'm jealous of how quickly you have progressed. I was like a crying baby for a long time. Good on you!

[KristinG]

OVR! I am by no means healed. I still cry like a baby almost on a daily basis. I am failing at no contact. We talk all day via texting and calling. She calls me pet names and says ILY. I occasionally slip up and call her hun or babe, etc. I am sticking to my guns about not spending time together and really trying to remind myself that I am taking time now. She isn't making the rules, she doesn't get to determine my schedule or my life. I am taking time and I really need to think about whether it is healthy for me to be in a R with her. No more begging, no more hopeful anticipation for attention - waiting on baited breath for a glance, smile, or the brush of a hand. I'm on a voyage to FIND my worth, appreciate, and love myself. And a special thanks to this community who has given me a system of support from people who understand what it's like to be completely taken by surprise and left feeling like they lost an appendage or had a kidney stolen for sale on the black market.

[Traveler]

I still cry like a baby almost on a daily basis. I am sticking to my guns about not spending time together and really trying to remind myself that I am taking time now. She isn't making the rules, she doesn't get to determine my schedule or my life. I am taking time and I really need to think about whether it is healthy for me to be in a R with her. No more begging, no more hopeful anticipation for attention - waiting on baited breath for a glance, smile, or the brush of a hand. I'm on a voyage to FIND my worth, appreciate, and love myself.

That you're fighting for yourself *despite* crying like a baby on a daily basis shows your strength. I hope you have a Happy Halloween, with big ghosties and goblins at work, and little ghosties and goblins tonight.

[Ready2Change]

I keep repeating one of the suggested replys to her on here and it has become my mantra.

"Given our current situation, I don't think spending time together is a good idea"

It is best to state boundaries once. Enforce by your actions. In some cases, you do not even have to state the boundary, just protect yourself by your actions.


Personally, based on the info you have posted here, I believe you are communicating with her WAY to much.

Just a question for you to ask yourself:

How is she going to miss me when I am constantly in contact with her, text or otherwise?




Remember, counter-intuitive.

Is one of your goals to have an exclusive intimate relationship with her? If so then she needs to FEEL she has lost you. You will know she feels this when she starts BEGGING for a second chance. When she does this, You respond with "I am not sure. I need time to think about what you have said" and then you come here and get advise, options and direction.



HUGS

You can handle this