Know that feeling when you put money in a slot machine? You know you won't win anything but your brain says it "could" happen. This is how I feel about my chances to reconcile. I have my own place, been completely NC for 3 months, and he's made it crystal clear that he is "done". All I've seen is anger and he makes me feel like pond scum hence the NC.
An afternoon of mediation is all it would take to get divorced. We own nothing and our kids are teens. His plan was to file in May but didn't. The kids and I planted a seed of doubt (new medication) but I surmise he decided to save more money. I figure he will file in the next 6 months or so once he gets settled and pays everything off. This is where my hope is. Slim to none.
I have my own place, been completely NC for 3 months, and he's made it crystal clear that he is "done". All I've seen is anger and he makes me feel like pond scum hence the NC.
Hi Kas, you've described many actions from your WAH that are unlikely to come from a place of anger, e.g. letting you keep his parents' heirloom furniture and letting you use his discount membership.
Originally Posted by "kas99"
So WAH bought me a new tire how nice. So now he fixes my car? Sarcasm.
Even if his actions trigger your anger.
Originally Posted by "kas99"
I figure he will file in the next 6 months or so once he gets settled and pays everything off.
He may never file. He's already got his separation and it's unclear how filing would make his life easier. If/when filing becomes important to you, you can take action and drive it through.
Originally Posted by "kas99"
This is where my hope is. Slim to none.
It [censored] we can't go back in time--e.g., 'future you' tell 'past you' which medicine to take to get better. You have your kids this weekend and your IC and group say you're making progress. Take care!
Yes recon chances are very low. Divorce is likely. He will probably file at some point. It's ugly business, no doubt about it. So what do you do? Go about setting up your life without him. Focus on you and the kids. Make the best of what you have. A couple of weeks ago you were despondent because you had such a horrible, tiny, nasty, undesirable place to live while he had a mansion. Now it turns out his place is pretty seedy, unkempt, in a bad area and he's never there while your place cleaned up quite nicely and is starting to feel like a home. So there you go, you turned it around. Do that with everything else in your life too!
Hi Kas, you've described many actions from your WAH that are unlikely to come from a place of anger, e.g. letting you keep his parents' heirloom furniture and letting you use his discount membership.
True but I figured it out. He's angry because I controlled and disrespected him. By going NC I showed respect. He can now give freely because he knows I won't take it, won't use it, won't give it back if he's already given it, and most importantly I don't acknowledge it. I know my place in his life and I honor it.
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He may never file. He's already got his separation and it's unclear filing would make his life easier. If/when filing becomes important to you, you can take action and drive it through.
I don't think its about making his life easier its about doing the right thing. He won't date until the divorce is final and the words plan B aren't in his vocabulary. Yes he is that guy.
He may never file. He's already got his separation and it's unclear how filing would make his life easier.
You don't read a lot of stories like mine. I know because I've read everything. There is you and one other one here I've read. Anyway I've read many of your replies to other people. Most of your posts say you were done but there are others where you say your Ex had a chance, a small chance but a chance nonetheless. I get the impression that while your ex said she'd go to counseling those were just words that weren't backed up by much of anything action wise. You acknowledged starting over stinks but going back wasn't an option either unless she changed A LOT.
Now where your story, mine and the other one differs is you started dating. From what I can tell dating is a game changer for a lot of these stories. Was reading one those quotes threads and this guy was piecing but it was obvious she was looking for a soft place to land and wanted to keep him solidly in plan B. Thankfully he had already moved on so he was okay when she finally filed 2.5 years later.
The other one here that is almost identical to mine neither of them dated. He left her for the same reason my WAH left. Her H never filed and never dated. Him leaving was a huge wake up call and she got better I mean truly better. She gave up 2.5 years after he left and was okay by then as most LBS's are. He ended up coming back 4 years after he left and even reading her piecing story you can tell she was whole. Her words didn't have that needy/omg I hope I don't screw this up tone that many of the piecing stories have. She was very nonchalant about the whole thing even when posters clung to her every word looking for hope she was vague. I mean she answered the questions yes but it was more yoda and zen the kind of replies desperate people hate. We all want quick fixes and she had none because there are none.
I have hope but I also know that WHEN I get whole I won't need him anymore. Make sense?? Right now I need hope to get through the day but WHEN I get whole I won't need that anymore either. If he comes back, if he divorces me, if he files, doesn't file I WILL get whole and this won't matter then either. I do get this but for now....oh my do I love a good hope story.
I have hope but I also know that WHEN I get whole I won't need him anymore. Make sense?? Right now I need hope to get through the day but WHEN I get whole I won't need that anymore either. If he comes back, if he divorces me, if he files, doesn't file I WILL get whole and this won't matter then either.
The ironic thing is that the steps that lead to a possible reconciliation are the same steps that can lead us to never wanting them back again.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Yes recon chances are very low. Divorce is likely. He will probably file at some point. It's ugly business, no doubt about it. So what do you do? Go about setting up your life without him. Focus on you and the kids. Make the best of what you have. A couple of weeks ago you were despondent because you had such a horrible, tiny, nasty, undesirable place to live while he had a mansion. Now it turns out his place is pretty seedy, unkempt, in a bad area and he's never there while your place cleaned up quite nicely and is starting to feel like a home. So there you go, you turned it around. Do that with everything else in your life too!
And you....I read your whole story from start to finish. I think your WAW would have come back eventually as well. She waffled, was torn, there was a 3rd party, she dated, seemed like some MLC thing (likely would have come out of it) and was in no rush to file (key factor in your story). You're the one who started dating, was up for a big promotion and pushed the D though in what less than 2 years? You've also acknowledged that after you'd fully moved on to your supermodel girlfriend you no longer found you ex attractive (typical LBS attitude). Yes you would have rather stayed married but you fit the profile of when your x threw out those temp checks it was too late. Now she's happy. You're happy. You're kids are happy proving once again that everyone here will be okay eventually even me.
<shaking magic eight ball> Will WAH divorce me? Magic eight ball says ask again later. lol
I won’t speak for AS but I think he meant your chance at recon before D is low. He is typically an advocate that recon attempts are highly likely but in most cases the LBS has moved on. Everything in life is about timing and in most cases the timing doesn’t line up.
Have hope but keep moving forward one day at a time.
The ironic thing is that the steps that lead to a possible reconciliation are the same steps that can lead us to never wanting them back again.
I work with mostly women and the comment I get is "they always come back" meaning men. Obviously this isn't true but still. Your ex for example has lost her mind. I'd bet a dinner out that she will eventually circle back around to you. You'll have a momentary lapse in reason of course but you'll come to your senses in a few hours.
It's not that you won't want HER back it's that now you'll hold yourself to a higher standard. Unless she too has grown (not going to happen) she will make you feel BAD and that is what will repel you. Its not your ex as a person it's how she makes you FEEL I think once you can get past this codependent crap you'll never accept less than again.
As I sit here on a dreary, wet Friday afternoon I wonder if my fellow db'ers think my attitude is improving? You of course will have to ignore the pity parties I had for the past 2 weeks or so because I just moved. No fair to hold big events like moving, holidays, anniversaries, etc. against anyone here.
I won’t speak for AS but I think he meant your chance at recon before D is low. He is typically an advocate that recon attempts are highly likely but in most cases the LBS has moved on. Everything in life is about timing and in most cases the timing doesn’t line up.
Have hope but keep moving forward one day at a time.
Whew......thanks for this. Seriously.
I thought AS had given up on me. lol
I'm not ready for anyone to give up on me yet. I need encouragement as I try to heal from a lifetime of codependency. I hold onto hope like a security blanket. I will let it go just not today.
There was a well written review on amazon for DB book. He said the book didn't save his marriage but it did help him move on. Said many LBS's will get the chance to reconcile (if they want it). Said his Ex came back 16 months after the D was final. He laughed and said no.
