Maybe at least some of your codependent tendencies stem from perfectionism, too? It sounds like you flipped from Martha Stewart Housekeeping into.. ugh.. is that another load of dishes?! I wonder if you also struggle with self-compassionate when you make errors--like leaving dishes out causing the ants to visit.
I self sabotage. Bad. I'd make the highest grade in the class to failing the next one. I got promoted quickly, procrastinate, then change jobs. Go from Martha Stewart to not doing the dishes. Cook gourmet meals, make everything from scratch and then I struggle opening a jar of ragu.
There is a woman at work that I have bonded with because we are so alike. We are both driven, accomplished and great but inside those thoughts from our terrible childhoods haunt us. We are both so good at what we do, people look up to us and I think if either of us could learn to appreciate and love our own abilities our lives would be so much more than we ever imagined.
I've been in and out of therapy for 20 years. My healing was limited due to being in a codependent relationship and I needed medication. I knew when WAH moved us (a month ago) that he was done maybe not forever but long enough for me to get over him. I'm in pain again. Not as bad as when he first left but still. Here's the interesting part the pain isn't about HIM it's about me. This is the pain I've been running from my entire adult life.
More to come....D17 has a friend over and they want to watch tv with me.
I've felt this pain before even when I was with WAH. My work has suffered since he left but that isn't new either. The only NEW thing is that no one is here to save me. I have external locus of control. When I'm in pain, stressed, alone, I feel powerless so I look outside myself for solutions and when there is none I get sad.
I'm guessing the only way to fix this is with effort over time. Two days this week I pushed myself to work despite having that feeling of wanting someone to fix my life for me. I crashed after 2 days. Couldn't make it stick. The weekends are hard. My kids are busy and parts of this house make me sad.
This part needs its own post. I went to my therapy support group this week and despite how daunting my path seems I felt light years away from the other people. There are the women who still need men for validation. One admitted to having sex with a man she doesn't even like. She looked at me and asked what I thought. I calmly said if it helps then I see no problem with it. She's not ready to give up men and I know that nothing I say will change that. I knew what she needed was validation. I understand where she is and the decision to change is hers to make not mine.
Then omg there was this whole conversation about essential oils, baths, herbal teas, etc. which are great and all but they solve nothing. I've been there too. It was one of WAH's complaints about me as he walked out the door. He was right and I see it now. Healing isn't sipping on a tea (I wish). Nope its hard, its painful, and its no fun whatsoever.
I said nothing as they swapped their favorite ways to distract from the pain. My thought is I want to END the pain not put band aids on it. Pain as in childhood wounds.
I'm guessing the only way to fix this is with effort over time. Two days this week I pushed myself to work despite having that feeling of wanting someone to fix my life for me. I crashed after 2 days. Couldn't make it stick. The weekends are hard. My kids are busy and parts of this house make me sad.
Hi Kas,
I just wanted to comment and say that I too find the weekends hard. I was supposed to work on some projects but couldn't bring myself to do them. the house was so quiet and all i kept thinking about was my W. I'm new to this and i'm finding out that a quiet house is no good when my mind is racing. But I need to keep busy. Browsing this forum helps a ton, but it's also a constant reminder of the situation that i'm in
Journal post of my circular thoughts. I had hope until I moved but if he came back he'd just leave again. I don't think he's happy but coming back won't make him happy either I want to give up but if I do he for sure won't come back and I will likely lose my kids as well. This a huge opportunity for growth and healing but it's hard. If I don't do it I will spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been. Remind me that this is hard. I think that the part where it's hard means it's impossible.
It means doing exactly what everyone expects me to do. Give up on life by giving in to depression. For the record I’m not clinically depressed it’s situational. After 30 years he left 7 months ago. If I give up I blow any chances of reconciling years down the road and I lose my kids. I know it means nothing but he sent a second “happy” in a month via S19. If I truly mean nothing he would have tossed it in the garbage before he gave it to me.
He isn’t happy and if I can get better (a lot better) I have a very small chance he will try again in a few years if that’s what I want. The catch is I can’t give up but dang giving up is way easier than changing.
I read everything and therefore I know what to do. Stop chasing (NC in my sitch), GAL and be patient.
I know that I need to GAL for me but I don't know how. The closest I can even remotely come is doing this for my kids. If I fail I will lose them. I don't want to lose them.
