Was actually thinking of this word, but, there were a few times in the M when respect came up, and XW would say 'respect is earned'. Worried therefore about inviting another one of these monologues from her.
if it comes up again:
W:"Respect is earned" H:"I agree. If you want me to consider your options, you will respect what I have asked."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Another quick question with some urgent replies please if possible
XW just sms'd me on another matter. She has just got a full time position again in her seconded office after quitting full time a few weeks ago in her original office (she quit so she didn't have to go back to the original office, which she didnt like).
Um, not sure if I should congratulate her, or how. I've been really concise and businesslike in sms.
Getting full time would be a big deal for her. It was a huge thing a few years ago to get it in her seconded office, and very hard to obtain full time in her employment. I really supported her in getting full time and it was a big focus on our lives at the time. I was very happy and so enthused for her when she originally got FT, but things have changed and I've been fired
I'm pretty sure her Love Language is words of affirmation. I don't want to congratulate or even acknowledge but think I should. Her getting FT also means she doesnt work every weekend and can spend quality time with our S every 2nd weekend (whihc she pointed out in her sms) instead of getting SS or SD to look after him. It laos means though we need to swap around our week about equal care arrangement. Therefore, I think I shoudl say soemthing by reply sms...
Something like....
"That's fantastic news XW, way to go. It must be such a relief getting full time - proud of you. It's really great too you get your weekends to spend quality time with S. Swapping weekends shouldnt be a problem at all, but just let me check and get back to you as I had a couple planned weekends with S in November and December. Regds DS"
What do you think? This would be one of the longest sms I've sent since BD
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Yeah, thought it may be be a bit over the top, but I saw in the validation thread some similar stuff where the X got a job or promotion.
So, I'll now do-
Congratulations! Swapping weekends shouldnt be a problem at all, but just let me check and get back to you as I had a couple planned weekends with S in November and December. Regds DS"
Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
DS your second revision sounds great. You are able to give affirmation but also letting her know that although you are willing to consider the swapping weekends you have to make sure it works for you.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Ended up curtailing my response to just congratulations, no worries to weekend swap. Further emails between us with when this new regime is to start, and I'm being accommodating, in my usual fashion. I'm going back to my younger days in adopting the mantra of 'no worries' to pretty much everything. XW asked me when we should start weekend swap and I told her when. Old me would have left it to her. Old her would have not asked.
Anyway, she ended up asking how we're going to swap, as it stuffs up our old weekabout system. Was tempted to tell her to propose something, but I just worked it out myself, as I have more confidence in my ability to do these things, plus its done to my satisfaction
S had sleepover with 3 mates the other weekend. He had an absolute blast and we're planning another one.
Tennis continues, and I'm having fun with that twice a week. I've been doing weight training every day now for 5 months and I'm just starting to become really pleased with the changes to my physique and satisfied I'm no longer a skinny slob. I've bought one of those you beaut scales that tell you body fat etc and I've got some goals there now too. Currently 43% muscle and 18% fat. I'm aiming for 100% muscle, 0% fat, and, most improtantly, 110% emotional intelligence. I've had a couple of IC sessions recently and we're exploring IFS. It really applies to me. Slowly getting through DR and yet to start NMMNG. I had a date last week too.
My ex MIL called last week to arrange to give me a gift voucher and update her health. A lot of talk introduced by her about XW. They're still not talking. I listened but stated XW is going through a difficult time and needs compassion and empathy, but has said she is happy so that's all that counts, and it's not my concern any more anyway. We talked a lot about what we're each doing for GAL. MIL told me I need to find a new partner and will find someone who deserves me. I laughed and told her I'm focusing on my S and on improving myself. My MIL is a good woman, and has always been good to me.
S and I visited her on the weekend and had a good time, but MIL kept asking me if I have found a new woman, hinting the gift she gave me can be used for two people. I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable actually. Hope she doesnt try and set me up with one of her septuagenarian mates!
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
XW changed job schedule recently. It allows her to spend alternate weekend time with our S now, but she works a few days during the week now as well. Under old schedule, she would collect S from school during my week, and I would collect him from XW after I finished work.
I've received many many texts from her over the last week, including telling me about a few afternoons where she cant collect S now due to work (a real inconvenience for me) and including asking me nicely to take S to school on a couple of mornings during her time with him when she needs to get to work early. I've agreed on 2 occasions (but she needs to drop him to my place first), but she's now asked for 2 more, explaining she needs to earn money now her new schedule is less pay, and thanking me for understanding. I've not replied.
My NGS is saying 'yes' but my DB forum learned critical mind is saying attempted 'cake-eating'! There's only a few weeks left of school here, and next year he'll take a bus. During the M, for years I was taking all the kids to school and predominantly picking them up, and was also the taxi service for my step kids in their teens, letting XW sleep during those late night pick ups after the kids were at a party - but she fired me as husband.
Any thoughts please?
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
