Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4

[DaB35]

I replied:

"Hi

You could ask her to change it to "offers in the region of [£x]" and then we'll see what happens.

[Then two sentences where I explained how to make tax payment by providing a link - gently pushing the task back to her. I am not making the payment for her; she has to learn!]

OK glad you've moved stuff to [brother's] and that you won't be feeling as lonely - I can see how important it is for you to stop feeling that way [slight validation]. I can drop in to check things on some Friday evenings."

[so not committing saying I will always come to the house twice a week for example, just when it suits me. I am busy and GALing after all!].


I think that was fine as a response.

[DaB35]

OK that worked She said "Thank you" several times for my response and how helpful it was etc.

I'm trying validation at work and it's great! I have just this morning smoothed over a potential complaint from a client over email and they have thanked me for "my reassurances and understanding".

[DaB35]

Having a lowish morning. Thinking about the wrongs I did. I lied to W, and concealed a lot. I did betray her trust.
I have remorse for everything. I am sad that she did not want to wait.

When I suggested that we continue the separation and see how things work out in 6 months or more - so that if D did happen, at least we could both say we tried - her reaction was that she did not want to hang around. "It would be six months of my life wasted."

From my IC, I realise that I was depressed to a degree, as well as stressed and unhappy. I never disclosed this to W. I never set boundaries. I never let her know when she'd upset me. I never let her know when I was feeling vulnerable or unhappy. She had to prize it out of me. I was happy with her - we laughed so much together, and did a lot together - but I had accepted a lot of her flaws and put up with them without arguing with her about them. However, she'd always pull me up on things I did frequently. That fuelled my unhappiness.

I know I shouldn't be feeling so sad. I've made such good progress recently. I am happy that I can do whatever I want at the mo, and enjoying my GAL, especially the gym.

My view on this is that I'm letting myself feel this, then just carry on. I feel good knowing that I'm currently the best version of me ever. I just feel sad that the one person I want to share that with is no longer around.

One GAL this week was I went to a professional barbers for a hot towel wet shave. It was one of the most relaxing experiences of my life. It was great. I was always sacred to do it; worried that people would be looking at me, pointing or laughing (now I laugh at that - why would I think that would happen?!) but I just went in off the street and asked about it, went back to work, booked it online, came back after work, and enjoyed it. My skin has never felt better! I would now like to treat myself to this every few months. I have a routine at home also - looking after myself is helping me feel better.

[crdcheck]

Having a lowish morning. Thinking about the wrongs I did. I lied to W, and concealed a lot. I did betray her trust.
I have remorse for everything. I am sad that she did not want to wait.

Something to consider - yes, you betrayed her trust, but didn't she also betray you? She found something out, you owned up to it, took actions to rectify the situation, atone for the mistake, and her response is that "It would be six months of my life wasted". That's a betrayal, too - this is someone you should be able to be vulnerable with, grow with, and she is turning her back on you.

My point is not that you're right and she's wrong, I just want to remind you that you are a good person who has done some bad things, as is she, and you should expect her to acknowledge and atone for her role in this relationship (and dissolution) if you are to move forward as a couple in the future.

From my IC, I realise that I was depressed to a degree, as well as stressed and unhappy. I never disclosed this to W. I never set boundaries. I never let her know when she'd upset me. I never let her know when I was feeling vulnerable or unhappy. She had to prize it out of me. I was happy with her - we laughed so much together, and did a lot together - but I had accepted a lot of her flaws and put up with them without arguing with her about them. However, she'd always pull me up on things I did frequently. That fuelled my unhappiness.

Sounds like you didn't feel comfortable being vulnerable with her. That's definitely something you can work on individually but she should also be understanding, especially once you tried to clear the air (rather than lie, obfuscate, etc.). Shaming someone does not make them capable of opening up to you in the future.

I know I shouldn't be feeling so sad. I've made such good progress recently. I am happy that I can do whatever I want at the mo, and enjoying my GAL, especially the gym.

My view on this is that I'm letting myself feel this, then just carry on. I feel good knowing that I'm currently the best version of me ever. I just feel sad that the one person I want to share that with is no longer around.

There is no right or wrong way to feel, you feel how you feel. And it's natural to feel sad about losing something that was such a big part of your life, even if other parts are starting to take their place and you start seeing the issues with your W. It's not a straight line - you'll have good days and bad days, more good as time goes on as you maintain your GALs and take ownership of your life.

Sounds like you are doing great, validating, GALing, worrying less about what W thinks. You should be proud!

[DaB35]

Thanks Crdcheck - appreciate it.

I think another problem is that she reacted dramatically - she rang lots of people (friends/family), disclosed everything to several of them. Even her sister's in-laws have a gist of what I did! As I said in a previous post, I wish she just told my parents, my best mate and my sister. Then we could have talked together in private, and who knows, may have sorted everything out without everybody knowing our business. My mum is upset she's "aired her laundry in public" (although she's of an older generation being 73 soon, but I do agree!).

I felt embarrassed to be vulnerable with her. I guess in past relationships I never opened up at all. Mainly because these were long distance, which is something my W never grasps - she says I my being with an ex for 8 months is "a serious relationship", but she would always forget that I was at Uni 200 miles away and she was at college, and we only saw each other once every 3 or 4 weeks and during the holidays! I'm impressed we made it to 8 months really. But, I didn't want to argue, so I just 'took it' and didn't argue my case.

One issue may be that my dad is extremely introverted. His dad died when he was very young (about 6 I think), so he didn't have a male role model growing up in the 50s/60s. As a consequence he will quite happily not say a word to anyone else in the house for hours. I try engaging him in conversation but it's hard sometimes. I've therefore picked up on that. He also does not argue/discuss/answer back with my mum if she picks him up on things. I'm not as bad as he is in general, but certainly in relationships I am the same. I've noticed he just goes upstairs to watch the TV he wants to watch whilst my mum is left downstairs (my W and I would 'schedule' a time to stop work and watch something together instead).

As I'm living at home, I now join mum in the evening - I only revealed I noticed this in our group IC as I hadn't assumed it was going on the entire time I've lived away from home (7 years). My mum was really thankful that I come down and watch TV with her. We go for walks sometimes now too - she can't walk far but she likes getting out the house.

I was afraid W would not empathise (or validate) with me if I was openly vulnerable to her. I don't know why I was afraid, just used to it; my dad to this day has not even asked me if I'm ok amidst all this. I found someone special and I should have realised I could have been open with her, but wasn't. I was stressed about my exams for example. She would pressure me slightly by saying "Come on, when are you going to pass all these exams and start earning big money so I can be a lady of leisure and work part-time?" She did say it tongue-in-cheek and in jest, but I took it really to heart and felt like a failure when I tried to rush 2 exams to please her in a couple of months and - guess what- failed both. Then retreated into the online activities etc. as escapism. But I never told her she upset me about that.

I had not previously looked at it the way you have - that W has turned her back on me when I needed her. You are right in that I have admitted my mistakes, and atoned for them, sought professional help, and doing everything to better myself. She just doesn't want to know. She just keeps throwing back at me "You took wedding vows KNOWING what you were doing. It wasn't a clean slate. The marriage was null and void from the start." I acknowledge I kept it from her, but I was too proud to get help or speak out and be vulnerable.

Thanks for saying I've been doing well. It has been a massive learning curve and I feel like I have improved as a person in leaps and bounds, even in just 5 months. I've really taken it seriously.

I have to feel what I feel and accept it. Sometimes I'll have some down time. Then it means the positive times (GAL etc) should be greater than the down time. Means more gym time, more walking, more comedy, more going out.

[DaB35]

I have not seen W for 42 days. Felt weird on realising this. We have hardly communicated either.

The whole reason this situation happened and brought me here seems like such a long time ago (May). But it is proably still fresh in W's mind. I don't know what she's thinking. All I know is she is missing out on me being a better person right now.

[DS9]

Hey Dan

Things seem like they're going ok for you. I wouldn't count the days since you've seen her though.

With validation, for example, her being lonely I would have just said "You did sound lonely so glad you moved in with your brother".

With vulnerability, I was kind of the same. I didn't want to put my problems on my XW as she had enough on her plate. Plus, I got the impression from her that vulnerability would be seen as weakness, with a 'go sort it out yourself then by doing this' type attitude from her. Gekko posted on my thread about ultra alpha women - check it out.

Cheers DS

[DaB35]

Hi DS

Yes that's right. I got the feeling that if I did open up to her she'd see that as a failing and a weakness. She was happy to be weak in front of me (strangely, only to me and her parents as far as I recall), but I felt like I couldn't be vulnerable in return, and felt that if I felt unhappy or stressed I should just bury those feelings and try to deal with them alone.

W and her siblings are quite inconsiderate if people feel a bit down - they just say "oh pull your socks up and stop moaning and get on with it", but not in an encouraging way (e.g. where they might support you or suggest ways of feeling better), more of a "why are you bothering me with your moaning" tone of voice (e.g. "I haven't got time to listen to you moan. Just get on with it.". I never saw how that helped anybody.

I read Gekko's posts in your thread. My W is an alpha-female. Absolutely. Perhaps this stems from her being the youngest in the family. Her sister was always in control and seemed to boss her about/fight with her when they were younger. Her sister was embarrassed of W when they were younger as W was a bit of a tomboy. Her sister even introduced W to her own friends as "her other younger brother" as she was embarrassed by W and the way she dressed!! I thought that was so awful - my sister and I never had that dynamic, and have always been on good terms - but W just laughs about it now. Thinking back, it must have planted seeds of doubt and insecurity in herself. May be it's done more damage than she is letting on.

Her previous boyfriends before me were all alphas essentially, and she admitted she "got bored" of them (her words) after 2 years. Always 2 years, then she dumped them. With me, I was less aggressive from the start, and so maybe she felt comfortable being the one in control all the time. But conversely she expressed dissatisfaction that others would point this out.

And yet she still refuses IC. I was really good for her; and I think she knows this. Is she one of these people that is destined to not be completely happy in any R?

[DaB35]

Got a few more GAL activities lined up over the next few weeks.
Mum's birthday in a fortnight too so my sister and I are planning a day out to a fancy venue with dinner.

On Saturday night I had a dream that W told me she missed me. We were in our house. It was nice, but felt sad when I woke up.

I feel detached, but it is tricky of course; still get a few triggers that remind me of our M and R every so often. I know, I know - I have to ensure that rope is dropped and stays dropped.

OK - off to the gym now!

[DaB35]

Email from W today:

"Hi,

Seeing as though our divorce is being read out in court today I thought it best to start thinking about our finances situation because I’m still a bit unclear as to what needs to be done legally.

As far as I can work out in terms of pensions we’ve only been married 3 years so we have no rights to each other's pensions anyway, I think it’s over 5 years that that happens. But I also think we do need to get a court order done.
I’ve read an article on it and it seems to explain it quite well. Could you read it ?

Seeing as though I’ve had to organise basically everything so far, could you look into it and start organising a court order if we need one?

[she then posted link to article here]

Hope all is well with you,
W"

The article actually says that if the relationship is good (i.e. on speaking terms) then you can just draw one up yourselves without using a solicitor. But you can then get it "approved" by a solicitor which makes it legally binding.
Not sure what to do.

I'm not happy that she's (a) asking me to do this when she wants D, not me, and then (b) ends it with a casual "Hope all is well with you", like she's just asked me to pick up some shopping on my way home from work!

Suggestions and advice please...?