Hey Jdevast - your W's reactions sound similar to mine, you're not alone. It's tough to hear untruths and not correct them. I struggled with validating when I hear things that are factually-false ("You've never let me make a decision") and her reaction to your validation is similar to what I heard. So, don't read too much into it - it's "normal" (or, as normal as can be given the situation).
And it sounds like it's working - people are noticing your positive changes and that's affecting her narrative. She wants to believe that you are a demon capable of nothing but evil but you're reacting in positive ways she did not expect. Good job!
Keep being AMOAFWL (including being an amazing dad) - even on dark days that will help carry you through.
Last comment - I did as much of the detachment as I could and W's reaction wasn't positive. She needs space and she moved out in Aug. So, this may get worse before it gets better. But even if the MR gets worse, you'll feel better - more in control, more of yourself rather than someone bending around another's demands.
Keep it up!
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
F U was my exww favorite response when I wouldnt argue back. I would sit back and validate her feelings until she started berating me and putting me down. Then I would try to walk away and she would follow me around trying to get a rise out of me. Since she couldnt get me to argue back she would start with the FU.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Hang on tight to DB . She’s definitely testing you . I got the same texts many times . Same response . I see many solutions to our marriage. I respect your decision and love you enough to let you go . Validate validate and more validating .
When the line of disrespect starts name calling or the F U. Just state I respect myself enough not to allow anyone to speak to me this way . If you continue I will ____ (insert consequence )Example : hang up or no longer respond . She will get even angrier but she will get the picture after a few times .
She’s noticing your positive changes . GAL , smile , be friendly but distant and being mysterious .
So wife and family returned from the holiday and I've been staying at the family home over the weekend. Things had mostly been good. Missed the kids loads and we had chatted about the holiday etc.
Friday night I watched a movie with the wife and we shared some beers. Trying hard to keep a PMA didn't raise anything about us I validated and validated . Shared some laughs, she questioned several times about my childhood experience and lack of family affection etc.
I kept my answers pretty short but we do have a habit of sharing about these things. She went out Saturday night , I watched the kids.
Things were good Sunday , she shared details of her night out, she was much more friendly offering help with me moving into new place etc. I cooked a family roast and we shared wine, one of her new friends came over and we all sort of chatted in the kitchen.
Conversation turned to friends relationships and in hindsight I should have left the room. My wife made several statements about the need to be with someone who came to you from an equal place. Not neediness and someone who you wanted to share your life with.
I kept pretty quite and just got on with the cooking. Meal went well ,got the kids to bed and slept in the spare room.
This morning the drawbridge slammed shut again.
She stated that these past few days were no good for anyone, it made her confused and probably confused me and the kids too.
She was also concerned about what her friends would think
She said she needed a private life, that she had shared too much with me about what she was doing socially and that we should only communicate about work and kids.
I validated and replied that things would be easier once I moved into new place this week and could help take some of the pressure off.
She stated that the kids were not the pressure, that I had been the burden , that she fell into feeling sad about me, and that she knew that all my issues could be worked through but that it was no longer her business.
I validated and agreed with this.
She then went on to say that eventually we would meet or sleep with someone and that she didn't want either of us to know about what the other was doing as that was the difficult and painful bit.
I told her I wasn't interested in meeting someone
She said at some point we will want to have some fun.
I didn't respond to that
She reiterated that everything had felt too normal the last few days and that she didn't trust me or that I wasnt working on her.
20 mins later she came back , raised the wills and power of attorney etc. I stated as far as my kids were concerned I would keep her named on my will and power of attorney etc.
She then raised getting a legal seperation after Christmas
I didn't really respond to this, I just listened to her.
I understand the last few days have been confusing for her. That after 16 years we have a habit of wanting to share with each other and Every time things seem amicable or too close the walls and drawbridge go up quick.
We are going to be around each other a bit this week with me moving out the house etc ( I did turn down the offer of help) I realise I have to pull back and fight the urge to pursue or reconnect.
I do like it when we do connect and share a laugh.
Is now the time to go back to her and state how I don't want a legal seperation or divorce but that I won't stand in her way What are some examples of how to word this?
She's bound to be incredulous that I would want to work on things or that I saw a future for us.
Is now the time to go back to her and state how I don't want a legal seperation or divorce but that I won't stand in her way
Absolutely not. Your W is conflicted and is trying to catch herself when she feels herself enjoying your company. I think that's a great sign. Keep validating your W and act "as if" you have had an awakening and now realize that you are going to be fine no matter what happens to your marriage. Keep smiling around W, keep having fun with the kids.
And lastly, remember this will not resolve quickly. It will take much longer than you would like so keep your expectations next to nothing.
Is now the time to go back to her and state how I don't want a legal separation or divorce but that I won't stand in her way
Absolutely not. She knows.
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What are some examples of how to word this?
W:"H, I think now is the time to legal separation" H:"W,I see many solutions to our problems, if that is the ONLY WAY, for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm not sure how conflicted she actually is. I ended up staying over again last night, as the drains leading out to sewer were blocked (nice job) We chat about non connected stuff, this morning she's talking about how she is looking forward to doing more art, connecting with more people, singing , acting etc etc.
She's having a big dinner party /party tonight with her large group of new friends. Made it clear she wanted me no where near the house. It seems to me that more and more she feels free and liberated. And this party is almost a celebration of her liberty and our seperation.
I don't know how I can compete with this yearning for freedom or all these new uber cool friends. I know I can't , and also that that is the wrong mindset.
It just appears that she is really really happy to be liberated and free and that her future looks so positive leaving a relationship that I believe she has convinced herself that she was trapped in.
She stated that these past few days were no good for anyone, it made her confused and probably confused me and the kids too.
She was also concerned about what her friends would think
She said she needed a private life, that she had shared too much with me about what she was doing socially and that we should only communicate about work and kids.
I validated and replied that things would be easier once I moved into new place this week and could help take some of the pressure off.
First off if you are referring to the picnic analogy then you are 100% correct. She went out and sat down for the picnic and then suddenly realized where she was and with who and ran away. She ran back in the castle and raised the drawbridge.Totally normal reaction, that's why there is a picnic analogy in the first place!
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She stated that the kids were not the pressure, that I had been the burden , that she fell into feeling sad about me, and that she knew that all my issues could be worked through but that it was no longer her business.
I validated and agreed with this.
Good. She says blah blah blah, you listen and validate. Why? Because what she's saying is just a reflection of her mindset at that moment in time. She may think something completely differently in a month, week or even hour.
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It just appears that she is really really happy to be liberated and free and that her future looks so positive leaving a relationship that I believe she has convinced herself that she was trapped in.
WAS's are masters of acting "as if". They act like the new life they're pursuing is perfect, the answer to all their hopes and dreams. The reality is she's struggling. There's a storm inside her, she's fighting between wanting to go back to her old life and thinking she needs to pursue a new one. Which will win out is anyone's guess, but don't believe the placid, happy face she's putting on, it's a mask.
