Shame and devastation

[IHCLACS]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Im sure it is playing hell on your self worth making you feel like you have been discarded. I know its very difficult to convince yourseof of whether what they are doing is right or wrong. If it's just right for them? If it has anything to do with us? Etc. Sometimes I look at the dynamic of relationships. Guy meets Girl. Guy and Girl love each other. Societal influences and willigness to marry. Decide to get married. Have a few kids, ten years go by. Feelings change. Struggles come up, unresolved issues persist, boundaries get crossed....you know life...People start to question how the relationship is benefiting them. They want to start pursuing Independence liberty and freedom, I no longer want to be tied down or at least to that person. I think some people eventually get tired feeling obligated kids spouses family members, Etc. They lose themselves in their identity. I know from an outside perspective it seems like they're putting all their newfound friends first and you last, when you used to come first in their lives. That you are somewhat missing out. That their happiness is coming at the expense of leaving you. I know it hurts, and I know they can't see it. But AT THIS TIME They have to do what they think is right for them. Whether you know its right or wrong whatever it is they are doing. They did what they thought was right when they got married, they thought what they did was right when they hunkered down and probably took on more responsibility then they could handle and lost themselves and their identity in the process, and wanted freedom from that. If someone lets you go, its [censored], it hurts, its unraveling, uncoupling, and all these other helpless, lonely feelings that are attached to you, your identity, and worth. Iblmiw it feels like betrayal. But it doesn't have to be. Granted we don't have control over choices other people make, but we do have control over ourselves, and the meaning we assign to tjings, how we think about things, and how we respond to them. Try to be happy for her. I know it feels like they are making out, and you are losing. Try to be happy for them. Even if it isn't what you want. Because holding onto someone that doesn't want us, and us focusing on their happiness keeps us from growing. People stay because they want to stay and leave because they want to leave.

What do you think you can do right now to keep the focus on you, get comfortable with you again, and do what is right for you RIGHT NOW? What can you do/plan/learn from this to get you moving in the right direction of personal fulfilment? Right now you have to figure out how you want to be and what direction it is going to take. Because obviously the other person isn't going to share it with you. So you do have a choice. Maybe not the best of current curcumstances, but you do have a choice.

Hope this helps. There will be something good to come out of all of this. It may not be right away, next month, or next year, but we will all eventually get there.

[SteveLW]

It just appears that she is really really happy to be liberated and free and that her future looks so positive leaving a relationship that I believe she has convinced herself that she was trapped in.

How much do you love her? Do you love her to the point that you want her to be happy, no matter what that means for you? Or do you love her as long as you are getting what you want out of it?

I ran up early in my sitch on an anti-divorce author that spent a good time up front trying to get the LBH to see that true love means wanting your WAW to be happy....even if that means she does what she is doing. She is trying to be happy. Maybe she really is, maybe she is faking it? All you can do is love and support her. Doing that early in my sitch is what helped to start turning my sitch around.

[DaB35]

I'd add to Steve and IH above.

Be happy for her, even if it's not your perfect solution at the moment.

Something good will come out this, as IH says above. I'd read the sticky thread "You will not die" at the top of the Newcomers board. I read it regularly even now. You have to believe that you will be fine whatever the outcome.

[Jdevast]

So yeah.
I do love her deeply. First to admit I am struggling with loving enough to let her go.
Also struggling deeply with concept of my happiness without her by my side.

Obviously I didn't show enough during the marriage for her to feel it was a more attractive option as opposed to her idea of freedom.

The idea of losing her is gut wrenching but she has already left and appears clear that she no longer loves me.

Deep down I want her to be happy, if she was to be with me I would want it to be because she chose to be.

Still feels like early days to me, although I recognise she built towards this for a long time.

Is DBing truly about letting go? It feels a lot like giving up on the relationship

I feel a compulsion to say it doesn't have to be this way

I want to keep fighting for this in some way , obviously without pushing her away.

I guess somewhere that emotional dependency is hard to shake and I'm still heavily invested in her.

[SteveLW]

Is DBing truly about letting go? It feels a lot like giving up on the relationship

This is flawed. Based on the idea that letting go is giving up. You realize that those two are not the same, right? Most people that have kids, raise them to be 18-25....then let them go. But they NEVER give up on them. So that proves that letting go and giving up are not analogous.

So let her go. Because really you have no other choice. Be glad that she is happy. But that doesn't mean you ever give up. I've seen a lot of sitches where the WAS moves out, D's, even gets married to a divorce partner.....but eventually still comes back and wants to R.Sometimes the LBS is still open to it, sometimes they aren't. But the point is that there is always that chance.

[Jdevast]

Thankyou steve.
It's an emotionally led day and objectivity is out the window.

Yes, I want her independence and happiness the same as I do for my kids.

That's the person i fell in love with. Not the person who got bound up with me in resentment and frustration and anger.

Is that ever said to the leaving spouse e.g. "I want you to be happy" or the person you are now is the person i fell in love with

Truth is I have no idea what she fell in love with.

But yes I don't think my love for her will ever diminish.

Even if we never reconcile , at some point in the future I would want to share what she meant to me.
Honestly would want no other mother to my kids and I know she has flaws but cripes she shines.

Tell myself daily to drop the rope but I think it's glued to my guts.

[Jdevast]

Ok I feel compelled to ask to sit down and talk with her.

So instead I'm posting it.

I would like to tell her yes I love her enough to let her go.

I would like her to know that the person she is now is the person i fell in love with.

I would like her to know that all the times over the last year I was grumpy or jealous about her going out was because I missed going out together with her as my partner In crime.

I would like her to know I was saddened by the fact she didn't pick up the guitar I bought her last year until our breakup

I would like her to know that I think her singing voice is beautiful

These are things I would like her to know.

If the split is forever at some point she should know.

I guess I just don't know if it's forever or not. If I drop the rope and move towards acceptance is it not better to not leave things unsaid or is it preferable to keep validating never bringing this stuff up.

[Jdevast]

So an emotional night fuelled by a few drinks.

Better to rant here I guess

Feel slightly clearer headed this morning. Distracted by work and setting up the new house.

Had several work and kid related texts from about 8am, very matter of fact from her.

No mention of party from either of us.

Sent me a weird text saying the mood is so much better in the mornings with new amazon echo AI speakers.

Just going to try and keep positive in all interactions without saying too much.

[Jdevast]

So while I feel less sappy than I did last night. Today I'm feeling a lot of anger and resentment towards my wife.

Yes I feel abandoned and betrayed. I forgot that she mentioned the other day that while in the relationship and going out meeting all these new friends that she didn't ever want to come home because of how negative or jealous I would act.

I feel that it was going out together that I missed, and the only reason she could go out to the early hours was because I was at home watching the kids. So I facilitated this in some way.
She never called to update that she was ok or what time she would be back.

If I called or texted I was being controlling

In the past when I went out. Despite calling she would ring and check up every 45mins and was incredibly jealous.

I know this anger is normal.
I have to go pick my daughter up from school later so will see my wife this evening.
Going to be hard to maintain a Pma.

I'm also feeling like I should do less to help. I moved out, I jump when she calls to help out with kids or home, I respected her decision to not even talk about why we were seperating etc.

Did all this to placate her, very prone to trying to nice her back.

I sometimes feel it would be somewhat malicious to make it more difficult for her.
Not to jump when she calls, or block some of her planned nights out by not being available for the kids.

That's a hard one to balance up, I want to see my kids as much as possible but by doing so it just facilitates her single life and part of me feels she chose this road and should feel some of the hardship.

[SteveLW]

As a former alcoholic, I would like to suggest something to you. These sitches are hard enough to deal with properly when you are clear and sober minded, let alone when you've clouded your judgement with a mind-altering substance. Consider making one of your 180s to not drink until your sitch has reached its logical conclusion.

Just a thought.

As far as feeling sappy last night and angry this morning, we refer to this as the emotional roller-coaster. You will cycle between feelings like this for a while. Just try to remain consistent in action and word through the up-and-downs. Many a LBS has done more harm to their sitch by being impulsive on that emotional roller-coaster. Reaching out to her while sappy, harping on her while angry will only further worsen your sitch. Stick to the plan. Let the process work. Read, study, and know sandi's rules. I kept a copy of them locally on my phone so I could read them multiple times a day.