Well I did it and it was so much easier than I expected. I had a short, but direct reply prepared in my head for when she asked why I was sleeping in the bed. I took my pillows up first just to test the waters and drop the hint but it didn’t seem to phase her so I went back down to let the dog out and lock up the house. Came back up and got into bed. She simply asked “you’re sleeping here tonight?” To which I replied “yes”. Best night sleep in nearly a month!
On a side note, I haven’t seen her cold side in a few days. I know she’s noticed some of my 180’s and has commented a couple times that this isn’t like me. Last night she told me she was surprised I went to the neighborhood bar by myself to watch the Steelers game on Monday night because I never do that. She was also kind of taken aback at how casually I left without telling her what I was doing. She texted me once to ask if I was having fun and I sent a screenshot of 0-14 score and said “trying” and that was it. She texted back that Mason Rudolph (who I convinced her to pick up for her fantasy team) didn’t look so good. I didn’t reply. Being somewhat mysterious seems to be gaining her attention.
Nice job taking your bed back and her response is very promising. I think you have a really good chance here because I don't think she is at the point of no return.
Continue to listen and validate and GAL. To use an analogy, think of her as a cat. When you're relaxed calm, content and the cat is curios it will come to you and sit on your lap. If you force it to stay or chase a cat it will run away. Let her come to you and her own pace.
Really nice job it is usually very difficult for newbies to make strong moves. Keep it up!
JR, Continue to listen and validate and GAL. To use an analogy, think of her as a cat. When you're relaxed calm, content and the cat is curios it will come to you and sit on your lap. If you force it to stay or chase a cat it will run away. Let her come to you and her own pace.
Wow! No kidding...I came up with a cat analogy this morning while I was working out. She’s been hiding and watching and getting curious. I just need to keep her curiosity and not scare her. She needs to decide to when she’s comfortable enough to pounce so to speak. My confidence is gaining and sleeping in my own bed last night felt empowering. The basement is now my work out room and not my bedroom. If she mentions it today, I still have my response and I think it will go over well. Exercise bike is arriving today so between that getting ready to hunt this weekend, I have plenty to occupy my time and give her space. Heading into work feeling positive!
JR, just be careful about motive. WASs can sniff out "reverse psychology" like a bloodhound. Being mysterious to get her curious isn't the same is not behaving as a husband would with a wife in a healthy marriage. I don't recall you saying she wanted a D, but many of the LBSs here have had the D bomb dropped. Which means they've been fired as their spouse. Your sitch might be a little different, but don't over share because right now that isn't where your marriage is at, not because you want her to be curious.
But overall, you are doing great. Keep it up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I completely understand what you’re saying. I’m struggling with where and how to give her space. The “mysterious” reference was only meant as I’m breaking out of my comfort zone to GAL. My confidence level is way above where it was even a few days ago and I think she’s picking up on it. It’s a significant change that differs from the past few rounds of “change” where it ultimately came from a selfish place. I was looking for instant gratification and gave up when I didn’t see results. This time, I’m changing me and not just my actions and it’s kind of mysterious to us both. It’s still awkward, especially at night and in the morning because that’s where our old daily routine (kiss and hug goodbye in the am and kiss goodnight) is completely gone. This is where I’m trying to establish a new routine that we’ll both be comfortable with. My only fear is that this new routine could become too comfortable for either of us. I want to build a new R with my W, but right now I’m in the friend zone and I don’t want to get permanently stuck there. I know it’s her decision but I don’t want to give her cake and watch her eat it in front of me.
Well I did it and it was so much easier than I expected. I had a short, but direct reply prepared in my head for when she asked why I was sleeping in the bed. I took my pillows up first just to test the waters and drop the hint but it didn’t seem to phase her so I went back down to let the dog out and lock up the house. Came back up and got into bed. She simply asked “you’re sleeping here tonight?” To which I replied “yes”. Best night sleep in nearly a month!
You Da man!
Do you make the bed? If not 180 and start making the bed if you are the last one to get up. It is a simple task, and your first accomplishment for the day. If she asks, hold eye contact,smile,simply rely "I like it this way", then head out to take care of other things.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Do you make the bed? If not 180 and start making the bed if you are the last one to get up. It is a simple task, and your first accomplishment for the day. If she asks, hold eye contact,smile,simply rely "I like it this way", then head out to take care of other things.
Thank you! I have to thank everyone here that suggested to do it. That’s what gave me the confidence and courage to do it.
I do make the bed now. One of my good friends (1 1/2 years into repairing his M after his W had a PA) suggested it and I liked the idea. I posted this yesterday:
Originally Posted by JR425
I’ve also tried little things just to change up the daily routine. I started making the bed every morning even though I wasn’t sleeping in it. I wanted her to have a clean and relaxing room to walk into at night to help relieve some of her stress. She told me I don’t have to do that but I kept doing it anyways. After a couple days, she started making it before I got out of the shower. I saw it and thought “aww, that’s cute!” and proceeded to tighten the sheets and comforter so tight my Marine Corps drill instructors would have been proud! She’s now thanking me every morning.
So I just got home from work and we had the discussion about last night. She was overcome with anxiety as soon as I laid down and didn’t sleep all night. She told me she realized that it was a reaction from all the nights she laid awake at night with panic attacks and I just laid there sleeping with my back to her. I listened and validated. She said the last 2 weeks have been good and we’re becoming friends again but she was not ready for me to be in our bed. I listened and validated and never offered to leave or suggest she leave. She was pissed that I just did it with no prior conversation and felt like I was being selfish for not thinking about her and how it would affect her. (I knew she’d be anxious but that would happen whether it was now or a year from now). I explained that I’ve been working to identify the major generators of negativity in my life, determining which ones I can change and taking steps toward that positive change. I have identified sleeping in the basement as a major generator of negativity in my life that is detrimental to both my mental and physical health (I’ve been drinking more so I can get out of my head and fall asleep and even then I’m lucky to get 5 hours a night). I also identified this as something I can control and so I took action. I mentioned that I had played out 100 different scenarios on how to approach it and no single one jumped out as a winner. I decided that I needed to put my new found confidence and self respect to the test and just do it. I explained that I can see how this comes across as selfish but that’s not where I was coming from. I need to work on me and sometimes that will appear selfish. She misconstrued a situation from Monday night so badly that I was able to prove her wrong with our texts. (Perhaps a bad idea?) She’s been dealing with a cold and I’ve offered to pick up dinner every night this week. She said it would have helped for me to pick up dinner Monday night but I did actually offer and sat in the grocery store parking lot for 10 minutes waiting on a response before heading home only to receive the response as I was pulling into the neighborhood. From there, I went into homeowner mode racing against the sun to mark my sprinklers so the lawn could be aerated the next day. She took it as selfish because she had to make dinner when she wasn’t feeling well. (I didn’t eat dinner that night). The topic of me spending so much time with her (family time) has been stressing her out and it’s selfish of me for not backing off. I still listened and validated while not letting myself be a push over. I have a habit of over apologizing so I was sure to do it only once. At the end of the conversation I apologized for causing her anxiety. Conclusion/Takeaways: * She’s decided to stay in the guest room for now * She acknowledged that I’m moving at a much more rapid pace for self improvement than her and I explained that my changes aren’t all gradual. I have some immediate 180’s I need to pull and I can’t wait to stay on the same page. * I mentioned that her words “I need to work on myself before we can work on us” is the approach I’ve decided to take until she’s ready to work on us. * She mentioned that we have been making progress on us indirectly. She doesn’t want to sweep the past under the rug and I whole heartedly agreed. *I’ve missed so much family time the past couple years and have a whole new appreciation and find so much joy in it now. How do I detach and still spend time with the family? * She’s resumed her IC search. She got discouraged when her first 3 choices didn’t pan out and gave up for a week or so. She left 4 new voicemails today! I’m back to sleeping alone but at least I’ll be in a comfortable place and I’ve shed a significant stressor in my current life.
The good: Your back in your bed even if you are sleeping alone Sounds like she hasn't checked out of the marriage and wants to work on herself
The bad Way too much talking. Actions not words. Don't talk about the changes you are making just make them. Talk is cheap and if you don't follow through she'll be thinking same ole JR. Don't prove her wrong through texts. Just validate her feelings.
