Hey guys. I needed to take some time and sit with my feelings and figure some stuff out. I think you guys were right. I think I was mostly done. But not completely. I think I was trying to fool myself and you guys too (unintentionally).
A major upset in our M from the beginning was the lack of money. She has been very stressed about money lately. I took a second job that should pay very well and bust the log jam. My schedule is this
6:30 am up out the door drop off S at school and head to work 5 pm clock out race home shower shave and out door to Job 2. Clock out of job 2 at 9 pm and head home eat and crash. This is 7 days a week
Now she is complaining that I’m not home enough. I’m tired of being around her. She makes me miserable. I FEEL ready to have “the talk” because I see nothing improving until we do. It has to go one way or another. We are out of time. The only thing that I’m not looking forward to is child support. Kansas is a no fault state and even if custody is 50/50. Man usually has to pay child support
I also don’t know how I would have S with my work schedule
Please help. Cause I want to be done. I’m miserable. I’m willing to try if she is. But I’m done otherwise. I’m just so tired.
What if I told you that if you held out for X amount of time (insert 6 months, a year, 2 years or whatever in the X) that she would eventually turn things around and become willing to try? Would you be patient for the X amount of time? Whether 6 months or 2 years?
ozman, you are cycling. And now you are cycling back to where you were before. You are impatient because you feel you need to take action (IE taking a second job) instead of focusing on you. You are still trying to make HER happy, and that is NOT in your power to do. If you learn nothing else through this whole ordeal you should learn one simple truth: Happiness comes from within! It is not something that can be affected by external factors. Therefore you could have 1 job, or 100 jobs. You could continue to not have a lot of money or become uber rich. None of that means she will be happy. Heck, rich people have a higher rate of divorce than power people do!!
ozman, does holding down two jobs, working the above schedule 7 days a week, make you happy?? Because it certainly doesn't make her happy, as you are finding out. Her happiness is her responsibility, not yours. And you will be just out chasing rainbows if you think there is an action you can take to make her happy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I took second job for money and no other reason. I just had to make a deal with power company to keep lights on. Trust me. I don’t want two jobs. I NEED two jobs. It’s not an option. I had to borrow money to get my sons Halloween costume.
I’m not cycling. At least I don’t think I am. Her words on night of BD are becoming more and more clear. “I didn’t sign up for this”. “I didn’t sign up for you to get cancer”.
Those words carry a lot of weight. A LOT. They mean a lot. Is that someone I even want?
I don’t know if I’m interested in her if I waited (insert time here)
I’m being honest. I feel like she is weighing me down. I dread the sight of my own door. I would be willing to work on things. But I would need an apology and a “we are gonna work on it” like now
I want somebody committed. Not somebody who is gonna run when it gets rough. I always have a positive attitude. As in always. She is opposite.
I think I’m just nervous about taking that leap. Not because I would be alone. But because of what being alone would mean. An empty house. Then again. That sounds appealing
oz, okay, to me you are cycling. And it is normal. I cycled like crazy in my sitch. From wanting to hang on tight no matter what, to being sad for what she was doing to us, to being angry for what she was doing to us, to being scared about being alone, to being excited and getting a fresh start, and then back to the top again.
Funny, how I challenged you on the second job after your first post made it sound like you took a second job because she always complained about money, to it was a move of absolute survival. So which is it?
Further, do you have clearance from your doctors to be working 2 jobs, 7 days a week? On top of chemo? That doesn't sound healthy.
I'll shut-up now, you seem annoyed with my perspective.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A major upset in our M from the beginning was the lack of money. I took a second job that should pay very well and bust the log jam.
I took second job for money and no other reason. I just had to make a deal with power company to keep lights on. Trust me. I don’t want two jobs. I NEED two jobs. It’s not an option.
Hi Oz. Wow--working 6:30am to 9pm seven days a week on top of chemo sounds terrible, with or without the conflict in your marriage. Sounds like no time for you, your kids, or your wife at precisely a time when they all demand attention. We care about you Oz and want to help you find your way through this to normalcy. I wonder if you need to declare bankruptcy, or move, or choose a smaller place to live. That's a lot of hours to barely make ends meet. Take care.
Does she miss your company, or your help with parenting?
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She makes me miserable
Area for self improvement. Learn to truly be happy in her presence. Do not let her have that power over you. Happiness is an internal, not an external thing.
Originally Posted by ozman
The only thing that I’m not looking forward to is child support. Kansas is a no fault state and even if custody is 50/50. Man usually has to pay child support
Google this "Kansas Child Support & Parenting Time Calculations"
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I also don’t know how I would have S with my work schedule
You either put your relationship with S before or after making money on the priorities. I know what I would pick.
As far as the money issue, can you and W reduce family spending? Is second job temporary? If you do separate, the combined spending will be higher.
I advise against a R talk. You should have a Talk with W about money, and part of that should be about your time spent at second job and parenting time with S.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Steve. Please don’t “shut up”. I appreciate and value everybody opinion.
The 2 jobs is a matter of survival. I don’t see a way to lower our expenses. So I have to up the income. I’m using Dave Ramsey methodology. I know happiness comes from within. I learned that long ago. Cancer taught me that. However I’m an emotional guy and a like being around happy people. I’m not trying to fix her. Trust me
