The last straw

[Ready2Change]

Always think "Counter-intuitive"

Check out this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094


We always talk about "what works". Your measurement stick is not how she reacts, but rather how your behavior was different (in a good way). For example, did you listen rather than argue?

[Zip]

Been working hard at items on the repair list for the wedding. Not much change to report. Seems W is more than content in the relationship. No real conv taking place. She is overwhelmed w work into the eve. Been offering to bring or cook dinner and taken up on it more than not ( not new for me to do esp in past 3+ yrs) but little appreciation.

She acts like I am a friend and shows NO signs in moving from back BR. I see this as a roadblock in moving forward. She is very content and has no reason to change as she probably wanted this all along. I am stuck in a roommate situation. So with my patience being tried, I am not sure this is M is even salvageable and thinking I am stuck until the D27 wedding next June. Not sure it would be wise to make waves and my IC is saying wait until her work slows down after the first of the yr. prior to addressing any heavy conversation. She feels timing is crucial. I want some answers or at least some positive signs to stay hopeful.

She described herself as a Walk away wife in the past. Any specific thoughts on how to deal with this sitch. She has said she loves me but.... she feels she could never live up to the expectations I have for a wife regarding sex. With it going on 3+ yrs., I’m thinking I am only kidding myself that there could be a change. I am constantly doubting the chances of any M survival. Time is ticking away and with her being so stubborn, as well as her family telling her to leave me, I foresee this process is to get through next June and then one of us will be filing docs. Maybe she is thinking between now and then she can solidify the friend status and walk without too much arguing and stress. This process is draining and wearing me down. Maybe good strategy on her behalf?

With the info here, I need to GAL, which seems difficult due to the chores around the farm. I could and think I need to spend more time in my shop and not be with her when she wants to watch tv. Best part is I can watch tv in shop and work on projects needing completion. I can spend more time at work as there is plenty I can do there but with her trust issues, I it best if I am home vs at the office.

Have had 2 episodes where she has seemed to think there has been a 3 rd person, one where I made a post on FB which was a quote, and the other as a recommended friend to her sister that this person was a friend of mine. Both have no merit at all but there was a point to each issue. That was W was not happy at all thinking there was another person and she was angry about both. I read her anger as being jealousy. If she wants a D, why would she be soo angry, and why would she even care. I would think she would act the opposite if she is done with me. It’s like “I don’t want you, but nobody else can have you”. There isn’t anyone, period, but the response makes me think there must be something there to try building on. I feel there are soo many mixed actions that I am starting to wonder if I’m reading more into these actions and statements than I should. So confusing.

Maybe as a man I just want it fixed and it isn’t going to be fixed on my time...

AS, R2C, sandi2 and others that may be able to shed light, I would really appreciate any advice!

Zip

[Ready2Change]

Hi Zip,

R2C...I would really appreciate any advice!

Pressures on...Thanks...LOL

I am assuming she is not actively in an affair.

She acts like I am a friend.... I see this as a roadblock in moving forward.

Q:How do I get out the friend zone?
A:Attraction and Seduction. Know the difference and know when each is appropriate.

Read this first two posts of this thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061092&page=all

Focus on things under your control. Your behavior.

my IC is saying wait ... feels timing is crucial.

I agree. Personally, during this period of the process, It is critical for you to intently listen and observe and do very little talking.

she feels she could never live up to the expectations I have for a wife regarding sex.

Change the way you think of sex. From my list above, "Learn to pleasure a woman" was a good resource. "Make it all about her" is one of my mantras. Keeping things rated G, I almost always let my woman "score the touchdown" first. I make a large effort to keep things new and exciting. Pleasantly surprising her.

In your sitch, next time she is in the mood, you should be "Pleasantly different"...her response should be "Wow, that was Zip?"

There could be a change...Time is ticking away

Use your time wisely. Focus on your changes and not hers. Do not use her as the measuring stick. The measuring stick is how much you have changed.

How much different can your behavior be by the time of the wedding? Bust out of her "Stereo type" of you. IF you aren't much of a dancer, can you be an amazing dancer for the wedding? If you start practicing now with lessons, I am sure you can.

I need to GAL, which seems difficult due to the chores around the farm.

There is always a balance. With her trust issues, You can invite her:

"W,I am planning on going to watch live music this Friday. Would you like to join me?"

You are fine with a YES or NO answer, but you are going to the event no mater what she decides.

It’s like “I don’t want you, but nobody else can have you”. There isn’t anyone, period, but the response makes me think there must be something there to try building on.

You have been with her for a long time, and lots of things need fixing. Fix the things under your control. Let her be. The cat will come to you when it is ready. Don't chase the cat. Be catnip.

[Zip]

Thanks R2C! Sorry for the pressure!

No current affair. She had one in 2004 with the prior owner of the farm we bought. She just admitted to this in August with the suggestion from her IC. Her issue is she thinks I am with one person or another.

Need to read up on the attraction vs seduction... although using eitherany time soon seems a long shot.

Time is on my side, being nothing has moved forward. So....I am trying and will continue to use to the best of my ability. I just find it quite trying which pushes my patience button. I am finding this is the personal growth area needing lots of attention.

I will continue to work on my weaknesses and GALing.

Zip

[Zip]

Update on me....vs her. When I write these thoughts, it reminds me of why I am here, and allows me to read what I know I should be doing. Guess it is a process of self reflection in a good way with a correction function built in through support of the vets!

Been feeling more detached from her emotionally over the past week. I am struggling with a few issues with her. The first is her actions being friendly but minimal communication. I asked over 3 was ago to have a discussion and she said not now it’s late...I was fine with that, but asked if she would find a good time and I will gladly work that into happening. She agreed to do this. The lack of her not addressing a time came up in a brief conversation which I mentioned she was to let me know and hasn’t done it yet. I got no response. It reminds me of her promising to set an apt with a MC which she never did. Soo, the point is, she isn’t going to discuss until she is ready, or, perhaps maybe never. I find it disrespectful that she just disregards a request she agreed to follow up with. The deeper part of this is being in limbo land. No idea where we stand. I’m trying to listen and not talk but there isn’t any conv from her to listen to and validate....just crickets.

With no conv and the separate BR issue, it seems it would be better to have a separate location vs being under one roof. I see it as a stepping stone to walking out which I think is the plan next June after D27 gets married. I feel I’m being played. It’s an assumption and a feeling based on the past where there isn’t any conv and then when she finally decides to come forward, it’s going to be an emotional roller coaster again w threatening D. MAYBE, it’s again my issues i need to focus on and not what she is going to do. The diversion of thoughts does not come natural. Need to work hard on this. Could that be one of the secrets of GALing?

Holiday issues are invading my thought process as well. Thanksgiving at my family’s house will be fine. She will probably plan on going as if nothing is wrong. My parents were informed by her so there are no secrets there. We will be okay through Thanksgiving. Christmas is the issue. Her family comes to our house and MIL usually comes up a day early. Well with her saying she doesn’t care to ever see me again and showed me that when she shrugged me off at D27s house warming party in October, it’s clear she won’t want to be here. It’s out of my control on what she does but will welcome her if she would choose to come up, even for the day. There hasn’t been any conv regarding this issue either. If W continues to not converse, who knows. Maybe they will go somewhere else but no idea where. Just an uncomfortable situation that’s looming. Don’t know if I should bring it up or let it unfold.

Being in the dark with W is wearing on my patience and I am fighting showing it in my attitude. My attitude, in my eyes, is not helping my sitch. The feeling of detaching and a bit of anger isn’t helping. I am sure this isn’t unusual to feel this way. I have to turn my attitude around and finding it difficult to do so.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Zip

[Ready2Change]

Did you buy the seduction book? It is big and full of good info.


Have your finished reading DR?

[Zip]

Did you buy the seduction book? It is big and full of good info.


Have your finished reading DR?

Ordered the seduction book and read DR. Will re read/ study the DR steps again.

This is a painfully slow process. When there is zero movement, one gets really frustrated.

What I wouldn’t give to just get 10 minutes to say my peace. Interestingly enough, when we do have those conversations, it seems to bring her closer.....I think. Could just be my warped mind wanting to think that.

Oh and I thought I posted earlier but must not have. R2C, I was reading some other sitch and your earlier posts were steady and supportive in a time of need. To help us through some of the most trying moments in this journey is priceless. You and many other vets and contributors are lifesavers. I personally wanted to give you my most sincere thanks for your time and advice.

Zip

[Ready2Change]

My pleasure.

My believe: pass out what you want to receive. I have to put myself into everyone shoes and make a decision on how I would handle it. Guess what? When it happens in my life, I have already experienced it, It is part of my core values and behavior and I can more easily apply it to my own life.

This is a painfully slow process. When there is zero movement, one gets really frustrated.

Change your measurement stick. How much are YOU changing should be the measurement. Move as fast as you can. One step at a time.

[Zip]

My pleasure.

This is a painfully slow process. When there is zero movement, one gets really frustrated.

Change your measurement stick. How much are YOU changing should be the measurement. Move as fast as you can. One step at a time.

Great point. There is a transition I need to continually remind myself that it’s ME who needs to change and i am the only one I can change. Therefore I will be responsible for changes, and look at myself for improvement and movement.

Thanks R2C!

[rooskers]

If she wants a D, why would she be soo angry, and why would she even care. I would think she would act the opposite if she is done with me.

Sorry you are going through all of this. I just wanted to say from experience, if she wanted a divorce she would have gotten one already. Mine wanted a divorce and within two months it was done. She is in limbo right now just as you are.