The other shoe

[DaB35]

But it is okay to be confused, as long as your recognize your confusion. Trust me, I've lived it, the worst thing you can do is to make the decision to walkaway to quickly, and then spend the rest of your life wondering if you had been more patient how things might have turned out.

Wish you could have said that to my W Steve85, before she started with D proceedings! Took her less than 12 weeks to go from BD to application.

Iowa, definitely look into IC. Yes it's a bit pricey for me too, but it's been the absolute best thing I could do. FOR MYSELF. You can start doing it for yourself; you maybe don't even need to tell your S about it at first. Then if she notices things you can mention it and suggest going together, or she could go see someone alone.
In my IC I have talked through so much and identified areas that I needed to work on - goals etc. I'm working on them now still and progressing well. If my W notices changes down the line, fine. If she doesn't, fine. If she does notice but then resents me for it, fine. If she doesn't notice and assumes I'm still the same old person, fine.

Whatever, do it for yourself. I've spent about £750 on IC here in UK. All worth it; I do not regret a penny.

[AnotherStander]

First, it's amazing how people will fill in the gaps. I'm not sad, mopey or cold around my W.

I am not filling any gaps, you said it yourself right here:

I didn't interact with the wife much. My wife kept asking if something was wrong. I just said I was tired from work.

Clearly you are acting abnormal around her, and she noticed it enough to ask about it. Instead of telling her why you're acting that way, you brushed it off. That's your choice, I think it's the wrong one (and explained why earlier) but in the end it's up to you how to deal with this.

This is simply an observation based on your posts but you seem very defensive and argumentative, are you that way with your W? If so then that might be a good 180 to work on.

[Iowadazd]

First, it's amazing how people will fill in the gaps. I'm not sad, mopey or cold around my W.

I am not filling any gaps, you said it yourself right here:

I didn't interact with the wife much. My wife kept asking if something was wrong. I just said I was tired from work.

Clearly you are acting abnormal around her, and she noticed it enough to ask about it. Instead of telling her why you're acting that way, you brushed it off. That's your choice, I think it's the wrong one (and explained why earlier) but in the end it's up to you how to deal with this.

This is simply an observation based on your posts but you seem very defensive and argumentative, are you that way with your W? If so then that might be a good 180 to work on.

She knows something is wrong. I've said numerous times she knows that we are struggling. You made a lot of assumptions here. You said I was "sad and mopey." I wasn't acting "sad and mopey" and I wasn't "cold." That's what I was trying to say.

I wasn't being argumentative or defending myself. I wanted to try to give you guys an accurate assessment of day to day life. Why is it wrong to correct the misunderstanding?

[Iowadazd]

Anyway the day came. I came home from work and she was in the living room. One of our kids was napping and the other was playing.

She said that we needed to talk. I said okay. She then looked in my eyes and asked said, "I think you know." I looked at her and said that I did know about her hobby.

She wasn't that surprised. The she said that after being a mom for so long it felt good to have men lust at her body. I said she's was only a mom for a few years and said that I didn't want other men having those thoughts about her. I said it was disrespectful to me and the family. She said it was that I should 'make more of this than it was." Then gave me a bunch of reasons why it was okay. She didn't show her face, she didn't communicate with the guys, she only posted a handful of photos, she had no intention of doing anything more, she
Then she said that if I had noticed her more then she wouldn't feel the need to do this. I said not to put this back on me and she is responsible for her own actions.
It got quite heated.

I stuck to my guns about it being disrespectful to me and the family. I then said I would tell her mom and sister because I was disgusted. Boy she got made a that and called me all sorts of names. She said that I don't own her or can't control her. I then invited her to leave if she felt like that and if she wanted to post pictures then she couldn't do it in our house. She called up her sister and to come to get her and the kids.

So now I'm alone and I want to cry. I don't know what to do now? Go dark? or try to get her back in the house? I feel if I give her an ultimatum she might want to say the D word.

[SteveLW]

Well that certainly didn't go well. Have you read any of the advice on this site? Telling her you were going to tell her mom and sister was ridiculous and unproductive.

So here are the answers to your questions:

1) Let her reach out to you. I wouldn't say you go dark. But let her be the first to reach out. Likely staying at her sister's is not feasible long-term and she will start wanting to return home at some point.

2) How would you even try to get her back into the house? Beg? Plead? That isn't attractive at all.

3) Ultimatums never work out, and as your instinct suggests it will likely backfire. I believe this confrontation did more harm than good. I think you handled it all wrong, and you could have diffused the situation by simply stating that the behavior was unacceptable to you, and then listen and validate. (Note, you validate her feelings, like when she said it was your fault "So you feel that my not paying attention to you played a role in your decision." Validation is not agreeing or disagreeing, it is simply showing you understand how she feels.) Instead what you wanted least has occurred.

Have your read DB or DR? I highly suggest you get it and read it now that you have plenty of time on your hands.

[Ready2Change]

You can't change the past, just learn from it. You can change your behavior in the future.


There are nuggets of gold if you listen for them. There are always better ways to respond. Use this as an example.

Then she said that if I had noticed her more then she wouldn't feel the need to do this. I said not to put this back on me and she is responsible for her own actions.

One of your W's needs is to FEEL desired. She feels this by WORDS. She tells you this point blank. You CHOOSE to argue rather than listen and validate.


Listen, I have and every other guy on these boards have made the same mistake. It is part of our personal growth to learn to communicate different. More effective. More compassionate.

I said not to put this back on me and she is responsible for her own actions

Better options off the top of my head:
"I am sorry you feel that way"
"I think you are stunning. I am sorry if I haven't told you this enough"
"How would you like me to notice you more?"

[Ready2Change]

So now I'm alone and I want to cry.

Let the tears flow while you are alone, never in the presence of your W.

I don't know what to do now?

When in doubt, do nothing. Wait.

Steve85 gave good advise.

I feel if I give her an ultimatum she might want to say the D word.

No ultimatums. Set boundaries. Read the boundaries thread. Again, take time to weigh all your options and do not make emotional decisions. Use logic. Run things past us first. Debate the pros and cons of conflicting advise.

[Traveler]

She said that we needed to talk. I said okay. She then looked in my eyes and asked said, "I think you know." I looked at her and said that I did know about her hobby.

She didn't show her face, she didn't communicate with the guys, she only posted a handful of photos, she had no intention of doing anything more, she
Then she said that if I had noticed her more then she wouldn't feel the need to do this.

I then said I would tell her mom and sister because I was disgusted. Boy she got made a that and called me all sorts of names. She said that I don't own her or can't control her. I then invited her to leave if she felt like that and if she wanted to post pictures then she couldn't do it in our house. She called up her sister and to come to get her and the kids.

Hi Iowadazd,

So, she made a few advances on you this weekend, stopped posting photos, confronted you and told you she’s posting them because she wants to feel desired by you. Obviously, her having done this wasn’t the line in the sand for you. Solution? Address her dissatisfaction.. no.. you tried to control her with shame?!

Sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard to make changes on a dime. I’ve had control issues in the past like Steve and others. Really study the threads on listening and validation. There are online videos and books on those subjects. Work on your control issues. This hurt your chances, but notice that your wife is still telling you what she wants and going after it and giving you chances (her advances, flashing, this talk) and you’re the one bringing up separation. I think you still have a chance if instead of begging, arguing, etc. you work on the one person you control—you! Take care.

[RAI]

I,

I am sure you are hurting and I am sorry that things went down the way they did. When are you going to start listening to your W? Instead of judging, you could have listened carefully. The conversation could have had a completely different outcome. You must put your ego and sense of rejection aside if you truly want to help your W. She is telling you, nay, shouting out from the rafters, what you need to do. Stop focusing on her actions and start looking at your own. It sounds like you have been neglecting her needs for a long time. Again, everyone here is trying to help you. Before acting irrationally, consult with the good folks here, please. We have no other motive than we want to help you.

Learn from this mistake.

RAI

[ovrrnbw]

I then said I would tell her mom and sister because I was disgusted.

I don't think telling on her is a good idea. It's normally not advised once you're older than 5 or 6 lol! If you were just threatening, I don't think that is good idea either. You need to detach so you can think clearly. Read that detachment thread every day.

[quotte]I then invited her to leave if she felt like that and if she wanted to post pictures then she couldn't do it in our house.[/quote] But she can, and there's nothing you can do to stop her. So why try?

You could have taken her words as an opportunity. She wants to be wanted, don't we all?! The positives she listed are actually somewhat positive. That doesn't taken away the negatives, but it is something.

You are pushing things down the divorce path quickly. I'd recommend you worry about yourself first. And maybe talk to a lawyer because she took the kids.

We all feel for you so let's work to right this ship. Lots of good advice so just sit tight and process everything. Maybe call a buddy and get out tonight for a bit.