Tomorrow will be interesting because its halloween. Not sure if we're going to walk with our 5 year old together or if she's going to ask me to just go with her by myself.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I wouldn't ask her about Halloween, just tell her your plans and that she is welcome to come along or not. Leave it at that.
I can't even think beyond Halloween--costumes, decorations, treats, friends, parties--oh my! I'm with ovrrnbw, in that this is D5's big day and it's great both your visions of the future include enjoying it with her. Your wife can join or sit out as she likes. I'd only give up Halloween if part of some holiday time-sharing deal--e.g., she gets Halloween, you get Thanksgiving. I've been divorced 8+ years and never missed Halloweens.
As much as you can--it's hard, it's so so hard--get into the fun and magic of the night!
Why do you say you are running out of time? I either of you dying? If you mean because of the D, you need to stop thinking of the D as final. If R is in your future with her, it will not matter if there is a D or not. We've seen many a LBS come here that were terrified of the D progressing. That is out of your control. It takes two to make a marriage, only one to get a D. So continue to focus on you. Cement your 180s. Detach in a loving way (really learn what this means, because so many think it means things it does not). And make sure you are filling your time with lots of good GAL activities to keep your mind off of things and to stay busy.
Make her do the heavy lifting for the D. Don't do anything that you are not legally obligated to do.
D is a step in the process. It is not a finality.
True - I had come to accept that a few weeks ago, in my mind I kept saying to myself we may still have a chance once we get done with this divorce. Guess I've regressed a bit from that thinking recently, not sure why.
I miss her so much. Before she told me about the D, I remember her sleeping in the other couch (she excused it as her back was hurting) and me whispering to her "I miss you". I didn't know down the line things were going to manifest this way, but now looking back I recognize all the signs. It just pains me that I felt she never truly communicated how she really felt, everytime I wanted to have a serious discussion of our R she would say "You're going too deep", or worrying too much. She told me the other day that what did I want, did I want her to spell it out for me? ...
The other issue we're having is religious. We're both deeply catholic, we used to teach Catechism together, lead retreats, etc. Now I'm the only one taking the kids to Mass, every weekend. Not sure what's going to happen once the D finalizes, if she's going to take the kids to Mass or skip her weekends ... In this respect, I don't know what's going on in her head or soul. I try to avoid the subject and guilt her into it, but she knows I'm thinking it.
Yep, we've all been down that road: "If she had only sit me down and explained how serious things were!" WAWs in particular take the tact of "he should have known". "he should have been able to read the signs", "or I did try to tell you!".
The bottom line is that from this moment forward you are going to be a better man, regardless of what she decides. Learn from it and move forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What do you guys do (or don't do) about resentments?
The day my wife told me about the divorce, she said she had a lot of pain/hurts ... that they were like nails on wood. You could remove them but they would leave a mark. She's mentioned them a lot since then when we get to talk about that, often she brings up a new one so it's not a consistent list.
When we talked the other night, it was really good to listen to her and she volunteered them without me asking her to tell me. But I don't know what else to do, I think whatever form of relationship (at least as co-parents) would benefit from healing those resentments.
It's strange because she started with those, when she dropped the bomb, in the middle of this process she told me she wasn't angry or bitter about anything, but then lately they've come up again.
Related to that is her relationship with our oldest daughter. They used to fight a lot, and I was the good cop to her bad cop. I think she felt unsupported/betrayed by that (she hasn't told me). She told me how in counseling our daughter would say how much she hated her, etc. I complimented my wife on how much she did for her anyways, and she started crying uncontrollably. I didn't hug her, but I wanted to so bad.
I know I can't say magic words to heal her wounds. But at least I felt that she bringing them up again and me listening helps in some way. I don't know ...
Augusto, are in you in IC? I would highly suggest it.
You also are still too focused on her. She has hurts and pains and resentments. Fixing those is out of your control. What you can do is make sure you are working on you, to 180 on the behavior that contributed to those, so that you don't reopen those wounds in the future.
My W had a lot of pain/hurts and resentment too. I was a pretty bad husband. Very passive-aggressive, very angry and bitter. I reminded her of her father who was mean, and said things that hurt her, and made her feel not good enough.
There was nothing I could do about the past....about the nail holes I had left. All I could do was make sure never to make another one again! And that is what I have been striving to do for nearly 2 years now.
Time heals all wounds, as long as those wounds are not still being inflicted.
Last edited by Steve85; 10/30/1907:23 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Augusto, are in you in IC? I would highly suggest it.
I am. I'm thinking of changing therapist thought, the one I have is ok but he focuses too much on what I tell him about her behavior.
So I'm trying my best not to initiate communication with my wife as much as possible, have been good at that lately. She usually texts often about kids, money, things she needs. Today she didn't text me at all until now (4:00PM) asking if she can use debit card to buy groceries. I usually answer right away, is it worth it to make her wait a bit before replying? or is that just being kind of petty ...?
Do not feel compelled to answer right away. If you can or do to, fine, but do not go out of your way to do so. If you end up doing LRT then the rules change a bit but you aren't there yet.
I highly suggest changing therapists. People should never settle for a therapist that isn't working out. most of the people I talk to that are opposed to IC have had a bad experience with a therapist that they should have replaced instead of giving up on IC entirely.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I've felt her distant from my the last 2 years, first she wouldn't say "I love you" just "me too" when I would say it. And last year she wouldn't even respond.
Definite red flags, except hard to recognize how serious it was at the time. She's clearly been checked out a very long time.
Quote
I've been wanting to talk to her about our issues for a while and finally had the chance more than 2 months ago. She told me "I haven't loved you for 6 years (very specific), we don't have a relationship and we should get divorced".
First you need to understand what you are up against. She absolutely means this, she is completely done. That may change in the future but for right now, she does not want to be married to you and all of your attempts to placate her by taking over kid responsibilities and such are having no impact and might even be making her angry. I know this is going to hurt to hear but you need to understand this- not only does she not love you but she may not even like you and quite possibly finds you repulsive. So when we save to give her time and space, it's the ONLY thing you can realistically do that won't make things worse. So try to think of someone you find repulsive. Now imagine them trying to constantly be around you and touch you and tell you they love you and take over your home responsibilities. You would absolutely hate it, right? That's where she is right now.
Quote
However yesterday she had an accident (very minor) because she was texting me and driving (talking about the divorce :-/). I asked her if she was ok, she wouldn't answer ... she would just tell me "your car is ok", "your car is ok". When I got to the scene of the accident she was cold and distant, she got back on the car at the end and started crying. I got in the car, sat next to her to calm her down she kept telling me (not yelling) to leave the car.
I intercepted a message after BD from my XW to her best friend in which she said her WORST NIGHTMARE was imagining herself getting sick and me having to take care of her. She actually said that- "worst nightmare". Wow what a shock that was, the person who wanted to spend their life with me in sickness and health now suddenly couldn't stand the thought of me helping her. So your W's reaction doesn't surprise me at all. A switch has flipped and she doesn't want you as a husband or you performing any husbandly duties no matter how well-intentioned.
Quote
So all the techniques here are about detaching, giving space and distance, and I get that. However, I'm running out of time and I feel like I have to keep finding opportunities to connect with her somehow, specially emotionally.
Nope, you don't get it. Hopefully after reading the above you have a better idea though. DO NOT TRY TO CONNECT WITH HER RIGHT NOW! Especially emotionally.
Quote
If I just detach and not engage her enough, I feel like I'm just going to run out of time and there'll be no way to stop this divorce.
If it's all set up for December then you probably can't stop it no matter what. Unfortunately it only takes one person to divorce, it's not a mutual agreement. Best you can do is take a long term view and hope that down the road she'll have a change of heart.
Quote
Last night she told me she wanted to be with somebody that wasn't 50/50 , 20/80 but 100% ... I really want to see how I can show her and make her feel that that person can be me.
You show her by making changes in yourself not for her, but for you. Do 180's, get in shape if you need to, dress better, get back in touch with old friends, make new ones, get out and GAL. Become strong, independent, happy, healthy. And be patient, it could be a year or more before she even begins to soften.
Wow, this forum is so amazing. I really appreciate the very honest and direct feedback I'm getting.
Yeah, I know she doesn't love me, and I know that she's angry/resentful ... My wife has always been the type that when she gets mad at somebody, she stays mad and can shut people off very easily.
A couple of weekends ago, we went to a gymnastics meet for one of my daughters. We went in the same car, although she started sitting passenger side she shifted to the back. We had a great time because our daughter was doing really good. We didn't talk the whole time, she spent quite of time on the phone / social media. Again, sometimes she'd be next to me but most of the time she'd move. I got that, and respected her space and would do the same.
We played a little game of guessing the score our daughter was going to get, and high fived when she did really amazing. I did make her laugh a couple of times and she touched me while laughing to tell me "you're so silly". I hate that I notice that, but her physical contact is so limited I notice everything.
I came back really happy, but the meet ran late. We got home at 11pm, then at 11:30pm she left for a birthday party of a mutual friend (more hers than mine). She came back at 2am, that hurt like hell but nothing I could do about it and I didn't think it was worth it for me to complain (this was her 'weekend w the kids').
Today our 5 year old had their halloween parade as school. She let me know, texted me when it started and I went there. We went in separate cars and I went to where she was when I saw her (mistake?). We took pictures of our daughter, nothing bad happened.
Tonight she told me she'd wait for me to come back so we can take her trick or treating together.
