I got a text from my W last night saying that she was thinking things over. She also told me she told her sister that we were having problems with our furnace and that's why she was staying with her with the kids. I didn't get into any other discussion but thanked her for the info. No other contact. I didn't reach out and she didn't either. It seems we are both cooling our heels on this for now. I
Look I am responsible for my own actions but I thought that telling her that she can't do that in our house and telling her that she was disrespectful to the marriage was what I was being encourage to do. I thought that I wasn't being a nice guy by letting her continue with her hobby. I thought I had to set a boundary about it.
I was told that my wife didn't respect me that I should tell her that what I will or won't tolerant. And enforce it. I thought I was doing all that. And she left.
So what am I doing wrong? I'm so low right now. The house feels so empty and I missed my kids. It's only for a day but Halloween is coming and I like to dress up with my kids. Should I ask my wife to come home for trick or treating with no expectations?
So let's go with this. So let's say you were taking back respect and establishing a boundary? (You weren't by the way but for sake of argument let's just say you were.) Where in any of the advice did you see threatening to tell her mom and sister about the pictures, or getting into heated shouting match with her was taking back respect? Or establishing a boundary?
All of that makes me question whether you did all of cadet's reading. Or if you've carefully considered the advice that was given. What happens a lot is is that LBSs come here and want the forum to give them the magic bullet. "Tell me what to do so that tomorrow this will all go away!" Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I wish it did. For all our' sakes.
What we can help you with is not getting into a situation like you are now. I admittedly am not an expert on boundaries, but boundaries are not demands or ultimatums. They are not things like "you CANNOT take pictures like that and send them from our house!" A boundary is something you set and then take action on yourself.
Boundary: I will not tolerate my W taking nude photos and sending them to other men on the internet, Action if boundary is crossed: I will move all of her stuff out of the MBR into the guest bedroom, basement or somewhere else, and make it clear that she is not welcome back into the MBR until assurances with transparency that it has ceased are in place.
Note, that is also how you take respect back. Commanding respect is about ACTION, not WORDS. Shouting at her, making unenforceable threats, and threatening to tell others doesn't command respect.
And finally, did you see the advice about validation? "You not paying attention to me made me take nude photos and post them on the internet!" The wrong response is: "Oh no, don't put that on me!" Any 12 year-old can say that. Calmly responding with: "So you feel I've been ignoring you so you took that action to gain attention." Note, as stated multiple times by multiple posters above, all that statement did was validate how she felt....it neither agreed or disagreed with her supposition.
The reading in cadet's first response is so so fundamental and important that I cannot overstate it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Your W is seeking attention/affection from other men. It is clear that she was not getting sufficient attention/affection from you. Please tell us the ways in which you have NOT been giving her attention and affection. feel free to write a list.
Iowa, I'm rooting for you, buddy! Try to resist the urge to reach out until you read up the replies above and threads discussed. Your situation looks salvageable. Fingers crossed.
All of that makes me question whether you did all of cadet's reading. Or if you've carefully considered the advice that was given. What happens a lot is is that LBSs come here and want the forum to give them the magic bullet. "Tell me what to do so that tomorrow this will all go away!" Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I wish it did. For all our' sakes.
What we can help you with is not getting into a situation like you are now. I admittedly am not an expert on boundaries, but boundaries are not demands or ultimatums. They are not things like "you CANNOT take pictures like that and send them from our house!" A boundary is something you set and then take action on yourself.
Boundary: I will not tolerate my W taking nude photos and sending them to other men on the internet, Action if boundary is crossed: I will move all of her stuff out of the MBR into the guest bedroom, basement or somewhere else, and make it clear that she is not welcome back into the MBR until assurances with transparency that it has ceased are in place.
Note, that is also how you take respect back. Commanding respect is about ACTION, not WORDS. Shouting at her, making unenforceable threats, and threatening to tell others doesn't command respect.
See I don't get it. Here is my thinking.
Boundary: I will not tolerate my W taking topless photos and posting them to the internet,
Action if boundary is crossed: I ask her to move out.
I don't know how letting her move out of the MBR is any sort of big deal. As you recall, she wanted to sleep alone. This is a win-win. Moving her stuff seems controlling and passive aggressive.
A couple of people suggest that I shouldn't be a Mister Nice Guy. Isn't in weak to say, hey you can still do something I find hurtful...but you just can't sleep in our bedroom?
I know you want to beat me up for making a threat in the heat of an argument, but I thought I was following the advice.
Anyway, I caved and asked her to come over for trick and treating. She said she wouldn't. I said that I would be over at her sisters to go out with the kids and I wondered if we could get some time to talk. She said "Maybe." So that's a positive. I said that I was still attracted to her and she didn't respond.
I went to the local college to ask about counseling with the students (it's really the only low cost option) I have an appointment next week but it might be too late.
There’s a difference between ultimatums and boundaries and it takes awhile to understand the difference.
Let’s look at the difference:
I will not tolerate you posting nudes on a website.
Or
I will not be in a marriage where my wife posts nudes on a website.
One is about control and the other is about protecting your values.
Now let’s look at the consequences for boundary if you set it correctly.
You asked W to move out. What if she says no I’m not moving out. Then what?
Now you panicked and decided to pursue and have a relationship talk which will probably end badly for you.
That’s good that you are able to get some counseling.
Slow down and take some deep breathes and come here before making any decisions because unfortunately you are starting to act out of fear and that usually makes things worse.
There’s a difference between ultimatums and boundaries and it takes awhile to understand the difference.
Let’s look at the difference:
I will not tolerate you posting nudes on a website.
Or
I will not be in a marriage where my wife posts nudes on a website.
One is about control and the other is about protecting your values.
Now let’s look at the consequences for boundary if you set it correctly.
You asked W to move out. What if she says no I’m not moving out. Then what?
Now you panicked and decided to pursue and have a relationship talk which will probably end badly for you.
That’s good that you are able to get some counseling.
Slow down and take some deep breathes and come here before making any decisions because unfortunately you are starting to act out of fear and that usually makes things worse.
I really can't tell a difference in your statements. They both seem controlling (I'm really trying to learn here)
If I say that I won't be in a marriage where my wife posts nude, is that just begging to get a divorce?
The second says “ W I can’t control you and you are free to do as you wish (she has free will) but I love and value myself and beliefs too much to be married to someone who compromises my values.
It’s giving her a choice.
It certainly may come to divorce. But answer this question. If she chooses posting nudes over working things out with you, what does it hat tell you about the state of your marriage?
Wow Iowa, I have to admit, I'm a little confused by your logic. Moving her out of the MBR for posting nude photos is passive-aggressive and controlling. But stating "You can't post nudes in the house or I'll tell your mom and sister!" Isn't?
The general rule is to not share a bedroom with a cheater. Since they are the one stepping out of the marriage they should be the one to leave the MBR. You say you want to ask her to move out instead. What happens when she says "no"? Do you threaten to tell on her, like we are in grade school here?
And then this: "If I say that I won't be in a marriage where my wife posts nude, is that just begging to get a divorce?"
Really?!?! So you've already said she can't posts nudes. What if she continues? Here is the thing we are trying to get you to understand. You do not get to control her. Period. This has already been proven. Otherwise she never would have posted nudes to begin with. But what you do get to control is how you deal with it. If your ultimate goal is to never get a a D, then guess what? You are giving her a blank check to do whatever she wants, because she knows while you won't like it that you'll never have the backbone to take action. You were the one talking about lines and that posting nude photos may be that line. So what is it? You don't want a D no matter what, or you have a line that once crossed would cause you to file for D yourself?
Iowa, I get the impression you're a little spoiled. And you want everything on your terms. "I don't want a D but I don't want a wife that doesn't posts nude photos online!" That ship has already sailed. Now what?
And then you break the advice to leave her alone for now, invite her for Halloween?!? And then start pressuring and pursuing with the "I'm attracted to you" you talk?
This would have been better "I want to spend Halloween with my kids, I will pick them up tomorrow night at 5:30" When she balked. You say, "ok, let's decide when I will have them tomorrow night and when you will." Because I'm telling you, you're headed for divorce, you might as well practice co-parenting now.
Last edited by Steve85; 10/31/1902:38 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
