A parallel universe II

[DS9]

Thanks Dan and AS really appreciate the support. Was triggered today again because I’m still finding it hard to accept how much she changed toward me but too weary to write about it now. Nearly 9 months in and its a little easier but a ways to go yet. Sometimes I scorn the fact that I’m so sensitive then I realise I should be proud of it and it’s a good quality, but need to make better choices with my women and be cautious about not allowing advantages to be taken

[rooskers]

Was triggered today again because I’m still finding it hard to accept how much she changed toward me

I agree 100% and wonder if I will ever come to terms with this. She texted me the morning of BD that she loved me. That evening she told me she didn't love me anymore and just morphed into completely different person. The thing I always have to remind myself is my XW was building resentment and losing respect for me for years (doesn't matter whether this was justified or not it just is).

[IHCLACS]

Was triggered today again because I’m still finding it hard to accept how much she changed toward me

I agree 100% and wonder if I will ever come to terms with this. She texted me the morning of BD that she loved me. That evening she told me she didn't love me anymore and just morphed into completely different person. The thing I always have to remind myself is my XW was building resentment and losing respect for me for years (doesn't matter whether this was justified or not it just is).

Resentment is what they silently build quietly for years until there is no respect left. The tally sheet is a mile long, usually over little things, then finally comes out as character assassination. Rather than resolve the issue permanently its easier for them to let go and start over. Funny thing is you never know it until it is too late. Stuff you long forgot about and swept under the rug from years ago comes up. So much for living in the present for them. But they love living in the present once they conveniently forget all the good things you did for them. This is why you always pay attention to their actions and never their words.

[rooskers]

Rather than resolve the issue permanently its easier for them to let go and start over.

Certainly it isn't in all sitch's but I believe in a lot of them there are issues from childhood. That isn't to say the marriage didn't have problems but only that the root of what they need to resolve doesn't even have to do with their marriage partner at all.

[DS9]

Hi all,

Went round to XW's to collect my son. Hadn't seen her in probably a couple of weeks, last time being when she drove past me as I was on a walk, with her waving frantically and me just acknowledging with a finger wave from the forehead.

As usual, dressed in my work finery, and waited at the porch. She rushed to the door and seemed upbeat, invited me in, but I declined. I handed her a road toll module which she forgot to pick up from my place. She said she'd ordered a new one as she thought that's what I wanted her to do. I told her lightheartedly I thought I said to come get it (I had laid out clear instructions in an email the week before).

She wanted me to come in to help with my S's new school gear, and said I didn't need to take my shoes off, but I did anyway.

She got quite close to me and launched into telling me about the new school stuff. I thanked her for organising that. She told me I need to write his name on his hat. I looked at her with incredulity and lightheartedly said "Why didnt you do that!?" She reckons she didn't have the right pen, and I said neither did I. She said I could pinch one from work, but I told her lightheartedly I'd never do that.

She then asked if I got her email about xmas break arrangements. She has asked me what we should plan. Old me would have asked her what she thought, but I simply told her what i thought for xmas holiday arrangements and she accepted, with a request to change from morning to afternoon due to work (no worries). I told her weekabout to continue, and we'd split the festive days between us. I had considered suggesting some sort of shared festive thing, but didn't, as we're no longer a family. Turns out as she had done the last couple of years she had decided to work anyway through the festive period.

I told her I had and replied, but she reckons I hadnt. I didnt take that any further and merely confirmed what I'd said in my reply (she seems to think I don't reply for whatever reason - used to frustrate me, but not anymore). She then launched into telling me all the dates over xmas she's working. I told her lightheartedly there's no way I could remember all that. She just said she just wants to tell me. I think I've realised that sometimes, where I think she's giving me instructions, she just wants to speak in a stream of consciousness and for me to just listen. I'll remember in future to just listen and validate where appropriate.

She excitedly told me about the new bedroom suite she bought for S and asked if I wanted to see it. Before I could answer, she rushed off to get her phone and show me pictures, telling me how she had to put it on a payment plan. I saw the photo, said how beautiful it was, and told S how lucky he was that mummy got him such a beautiful suite.

It was time to leave, so I ushered S out the door, with XW asking me later in the week if it was ok to come to my place and collect S's stuff at changeover (no worries), and a mutual exchange of 'nice seeing you again' initiated by me.

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Late last week, I sent XW an email, telling her we needed to swap road toll modules, and asking her to reimburse some money that had come from my account to pay for her recent toll usage and to return her credit card to me (she's a secondary card holder). She agreed, but coupled her reply with a chase up to see if I had paid my share of S's insurance, school gear etc, and to put it into her account, and to tell me that if I wanted her to look after S during the holidays it would be at a cost. I suspect my email annoyed her. Old me would not have asked for a reimbursement, or asked for the card back.

Anyway, I reminded her I had already deposited the money in our old joint account and to take it from there, because I don't have her account details. She's said several times before I have her details. I don't know why she reckons this.

I remember during the R a huge source of anxiety for XW was her XH constantly challenging child support and not paying half of SD and SS's expenses. I remember how much XW and her divorced friends would constantly complain how their X's wouldn't pay, or would pay late, or would challenge every expense etc etc ad nauseum. I remember how at BD XW conflated me with her father and XH, and how I told her I was not these men. I remember her waving her finger screaming "Words mean nothing, actions DS, actions". By my words and by my consistent deeds I have shown her I'm AMOAFWL.

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S and I had huge GAL weekend with 4 of his mates round for a sleepover. What is it with boys these days! I tried to seek refuge in my bedroom, but every 5 minutes the boys would burst in! Cheeky buggers.

I'm getting better at tennis and IC continues. I've been doing IC since March, about twice a month. Childhood issues of attachment, abandonment, shame and feelings of unworthiness keep popping up. I want to address why I struggle being alone. It's going to take a while I think.

Home Gym continues, and I'm making some good inroads with reducing my body fat percentage. I'm eating healthier, and dont eat nearly as much ice cream or junk food as I used to. I never used to drink alcohol, but since BD I'll have a mixed spirit once or twice a week. Love Canadian CLub and dry, or vodka with cranberry. Ive made some good new friends through my best friend and looking forward to catching up with them closer to xmas.

Ive got no idea what S and I will do for Xmas. We'll probably head out for one of those super expensive xmas buffet dinners.

Almost finished NMMNG. It's a good read. I didn't get a huge amount of value from DR. I kept thinking "I already know this' from reading the forums. I got the sense it was a little more geared towards people who hadnt fulled tipped over the abyss.

Went out to the shopping mall and walked past one of XW's divorced friends in the throng. She saw me and her wide eyed expression of shock and recognition was priceless. I strode past, pretending I didn't see her.

[rooskers]

and to tell me that if I wanted her to look after S during the holidays it would be at a cost.

I don't understand this mindset. I would think she would be overjoyed to have time with S but instead she seems to treat it like she is a payed babysitter? Maybe I am just misinterpreting the situation.

I'm getting better at tennis and IC continues. I've been doing IC since March, about twice a month. Childhood issues of attachment, abandonment, shame and feelings of unworthiness keep popping up. I want to address why I struggle being alone. It's going to take a while I think.

I have been teaching D13 how to play tennis but the weather has turned so that has been put on pause. Has your IC given you any ideas on how to deal with the abandonment? This is one area that is really rough with me as well.

DS it sounds like you are getting into a pretty good place, do you see any hope or want reconciliation in the future?

[DS9]

Hey roo thanks for checking in buddy it means a lot to me!

I think her saying it’ll cost me is her payback for me asking her to reimburse $50 to my credit card. All her payments from my card have now stopped. Took me 9 months but that’s where I was emotionally. I still felt like it was right to keep paying. Bad db but that’s me.

I’m in an ok place mate. To be honest it hit me hard and it’ll take ages to get back to how I was. It’s not that separation happened but the way it happened and her cruelty to me afterwards.

I give it 0.01% chance to reconcile. I don’t know if I’d take her back there’d need to be a lot of changes. My Step son asked me if I would and I said the same thing. Her own family tell me I deserve better. Intellectually I know that but my emotions rule me still.

Cheers DS

[IHCLACS]

Its hard dealing with the line in the sand of broken trust and mistreatment when someone has crossed it. In the same instance they probably feel the same way for different reasons, and have no problem treating you with contempt because they feel justified for it, and are "just protecting themselves" while playing the victim narrative, never own up to their side of the demise or willing to examine themselves or their actions. Seeing reality for what it really is with someone else, and your self can be hard, humiliating, humbling, rewarding, and painful because of the previous attachments. I know what you are talking about between struggling with your intellectual and emotional intelligence. Its Head vs. Heart. Sometimes we are foolish enough to want what we know what's not good for us because of our emotional detachment. That's why its hard to trust your reekings and your heart, unless they align with your head.

[DS9]

Thanks IH,

All that you've said is so true. Head vs heart. A constant struggle, that is just going to take time. Thanks for the encouragement.

Cheers, DS

[rooskers]

It’s not that separation happened but the way it happened and her cruelty to me afterwards.

This exactly. Would love to ask XW how she would feel if some guy had treated D13 the same way she has treated me how she would feel about him.

Head vs heart. A constant struggle, that is just going to take time.

I can't figure out why my heart still feels something for this person? I mean it is easy for me to read your sitch and say DS9 you don't deserve this just move on and you will find someone that will love you for who you are. Then I try to apply that to my own sitch. My heart says I still care deeply, but my brain says you need to let her go to keep your sanity and soul intact.