A parallel universe II

[DS9]

Hi all,

I hope this works!

This is my new thread, linking on from the first one: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861584&page=1

My first post on my first thread gives a detailed outline of the beginning of my sitch. Thanks to all who came on board and helped me.

Cheers DS

[DS9]

Thanks to Dan and AS for their last posts too - my thread was locked so I couldnt acknowledge there.

[DS9]

Hi all

Hope everyone survived and thrived another week.

Was just after some guidance from the vets on boundary issue please, preferably asap as I need to get an email out.....

Context is last night S, XW and I attended a school info evening for new school next year. As we approached to check a list on the board of S's school group, I was ahead and started saying I'd found his name and group, to which XW grabbed my arm, tried to pull me back, and told me to let him find it etc. S was right next to us, and parents everywhere, but I dont think anyone noticed. I said nothing because we were in such a public area etc.

It needs to be addressed as a boundary issue that I wont tolerate.

I'm thinking an email as follows:

Hi XW

I was thinking about the school info session last night.
I acknowledge I've still got work to do in allowing our S's independence and finding things out for himself.
But when you grabbed me by the arm, I felt disrespected.
I want you to not grab me to get my attention but talk to me discretely and at a good time about these things, unless its an emergency.
If the grabbing happens again, I'll attend these events separately from you until it stops. I'd appreciate you respecting my wishes there.
Regds DS

Any thoughts?

I was going to put that at the end of an email dealing with some mundane parentign stuff

Thanks guys

[DS9]

Hi all,

I'm annoyed to say I'm at a bit of a very low ebb at the moment. It's come on by surprise, over the last week or so due to a few issues, and feels like a reset button has been pushed.

Just venting, journalling, and seeking some support, encouragement and feedback folks. I have a lot to get off my chest

*******************************************************************
First issue

The other night, my SS text me wanting to come over. He'd had a fight with XW over some home chore issue, and XW got physical with him. XW had some dude over, and this guy was laughing during the altercation. She kicked SS out and he has to leave shortly. SS was distraught because XW got physical. I was blown away.

SS poured out a lot. He reckons his mum is toxic, and wants power and control. He doesn't know how I put up with her for so many years and that I deserved better. He felt manipulated that she wanted him to move home and now wants him out. He asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him I'm focussing on me and S. He asked if I would take her back and I told him I don't know and would need to think about it as we would both need to change. I said I don't know what XW told him, but our separation wasn't my doing nor what I wanted, but I respected his mum's decision and she was a good woman who I loved - that blew him away.

He said XW and I are so different, and that he is so glad my S has me as a father. I discussed emotions and personal changes and development with him. I told him despite the physical altercation, his mum loves him and always will, and that she's going through a difficult emotional time, but the physical altercation was no excuse. He asked if XW ever hit me, and I said she had once threatened to. He asked if I am smoking, and I said I never would again. He said that XW has taken up smoking again (that stunned me too).

We had a few drinks, and worked out in the home gym. He wants to move out, and I told him I thought that's a good move. It's so surreal. A year ago, I couldn't be in the same room with him due to anxiety over our history, with XW at that time so anxious to keep in touch with him and treating him like a little kid due to guilt. It still makes my head spin how things have changed.

I don't know what to do with this situation guys. Any thoughts???

*********************************************************************

Last week, my SIL called me all stressed out. MIL has a serious condition requiring medication, but stopped taking it (she doesn't like being told what to do), and had regressed. SIL called me to vent and see what I could do, as apparently I'm the only one MIL listens to and she values my advice. I told her leave it to me and I'd handle it, and managed to convince MIL to restart her meds, and have been calling her nightly to check in. XW isn't interested as her and MIL still aren't talking (XW was very worried about this during the M though), but SIL has told XW what I've done. SIL again raised how sorry she was about what XW did and couldnt understand it, and how her and her family will be there for me. I told her I was absolutely fine and for her to continue supporting and being compassionate to her sister as she's going through an emotionally difficult time.

It's draining, but I'm going to keep helping my MIL. Anyone else been in this sitch? Any hints or tips?

*********************************************************************

we had the school info night I mentioned in previous posts.

XW asked for a lift in with S, or if I didnt want to, theyd just walk. Its on the way, so I said no worries and said a time I'd pick them up. XW was late at pick up. Old me would have asked what time to collect them and old me would've got out of car to check what's happening as I dislike tardiness. I just sat in the car though and waited and said nothing about lateness.

As we walked from the car, XW raised about collection for S's party attendance with a friend. She was working and couldn't drop him off so previously asked if I could. I previously agreed by email, but said she should collect (she'd be home by then). She raised collection again during the walk, and was quite tense about it. I said I'd emailed saying she could collect and I'd drop off, but she reckoned she hadn't seen it. Old me would have insisted I'd sent it, and agreed to collect as well. I just said I'd resend it again, but maintained I couldn't collect as I had plans, which annoyed her. She started counting aloud the hours of sleep she'd get before having to collect, but I kept walking.

Once inside, the arm grab incident happened. I sent the email referred above the next day. She replied with thanking me for honesty with my feelings, that it wasn't her intention (rather to stop me) she wouldn't touch me again, and that I could do what I felt best for me. I didn't reply.

Otherwise, school meeting went well. Whilst waiting, she found the email I sent, said she had seen it, but she missed the message about collection due to the large paragraph it was in. I looked over and lightheartedly said "yikes, it was a big paragraph! I'll break it up into smaller parts next time so it's clearer". Small talk, and she brushed my arm with her hand like she used to. As usual, I didn't react.

It came time to break off to check out individual subject stalls. I got up and said I was headed to stall X, if she could do stall Y, then left to the other side of the hall. Old me would have followed her lead, and followed her. A few minutes later, she was at my stall. I just asked her to take my place in line and I'd do the next one, then left. Old me would have hung around til she told me to go to the next stall. She was always big on splitting up tasks and rushing and doing everything asap.

I kept moving stalls and she kept shadowing. She sat down but I kept going. I sat down once I finished and a few seconds later, she came and sat down near me. I just kept reading the school material I'd collected.

On the walk back to the car, I raised S's school graduation function and reminded S to hand in the form and money. XW said it's free. I told her I'd invited SS and SD, and as SD was coming, I needed to pay for her attendance. XW seemed surprised when asking if I'd contacted them, and said she hadn't thought of inviting them. Old old me would have left the invitations to SS and SD to her. It surprised me she hadnt thought of that

I got in the car and asked S to hold the door for mummy and help her in. Old old me, without fail, always held the door and helped her in. She used to love the old school 'gentleman' habits I had. I'm fired from that, but I want my S to be a gentleman to his mum.

**********************************************************************************

XW text me this morning asking if I could drop my S's stuff off to her place before school. Changeover is today and she usually collects his stuff from my place after she gets him from school, but he now catches the bus. I said no worries, but if she could do the same next changeover too for me. She agreed. Old me would have just dropped it off without asking for anything in return. Thanks R2C - I got this reciprocity idea from you.

[DaB35]

Hi DS

Sounds like you've had quite an up-and-down last few days. Must have been hard to have this all sprung on you like this.

Bear in mind I am not a parent, but from what you say I think you dealt with SS really well and provided support. It must have felt good to hear him compliment your attitude etc. Perhaps talk to him more frequently and gauge how he feels about the situation after thinking about things...?

The way you came across with SIL was absolutely fine. Not bitter to XW at all and displaying some understanding. It may be worth 'sharing' the checking up on MIL with SIL (?).

Good job setting the boundary re arm grab, and her reaction was very acceptable and in your favour. I need to remember this process in case my W says or does things like this at all. You are doing really well at being assertive but not rude, and polite but firm. It is working.

[DS9]

Thanks Dan

It was very unpleasant. It’s abnormal getting physical with family. The centre of these issues seems to be XW.

Yeah it was good to hear ss say those things. A couple of years ago I was seriously considering a restraining order against him due to his behaviour. That shows how far we’ve come.

I’ve kept sil in the loop with everything and we’ve been tag teaming looking out for mil

Yeah it was an appropriate boundary but I never thought I’d need to do it. I’m glad I did though.

[rooskers]

DS glad you are able to put up boundaries. You must have had some positive influence in SS life because he feels safe coming to you with his problems. I know that doesn't help you out to much but you have had a huge influence in someone else's life.

[DS9]

Hi all,

There's been some further strange developments which I'd appreciate some feedback on, as I think I'm doing the right thing for me, but not too sure overall...

I was out having burgers and drinks the other evening as part of my GAL. Got a no ID call, but didnt answer, as I suspected it was XW (she does no caller ID). Shortly after, a text, asking to call her as SS is going 'crazy'. I called.

XW said she only wanted to give me the heads up that SS would probably be coming to my place becuase they had a huge fight again. She says SS has threatened to go to the authroities with evidence, and ruin her job after the physical incident from the other night, and said he won't be leaving her place til he's ready. She said she thought he came to my place the other night, that he threatened her, and how could she have done the things he claimed as he's a lot bigger. If police come, there's 2 sides to the story, the whole neighbourhood heard the screaming, he's crazy, he has sworn at S, S doesnt want him around too, and he can't stay with her, and S has locked himself in his room, but SS has gone and is coming back later.

She sounded very tense, and I could hear her puffing away on a cig. I essentially just listened. Lots of mm'hmm's, that's awful, how are you feeling, what are you going to do, and similar type things. She said 'is that your psychology [censored]', then immdeiately backed down and said 'sorry, no, its not'.

I could tell by my tone and things I said I was quite distant, and I indicated I was out and had to go outside to talk as their was loud music where I was. I offered no solutions or opinions, nor did I comment on what SS told me the other night, other than to confirm he came and told me they'd had a fight. She kept telling me sorry for disturbing me, and I said it was no problem. I asked her what she was intending to do and she said she'd locked the doors, taken SS keys, and would have a drink and wait. I told her I hope it works out.

She again said sorry to disturb me, and again made a big point that the only reason she wanted to speak was to tell me SS might want to come to my place and to give me the heads up.

I dunno, but I think she wanted to vent about everything, as she's called before about issues under the guise it was just to tell me about one issue or give a heads up, and I think she maybe wanted me to step in and help. Old me would have been round to her place straight away to make sure nothing further happened. Old me would have offered thoughts, opinions, taken her side, and got involved in getting SS to stay with me.

I called back 30 minutes later, telling her I'd been thinking about what she said and would be happy to take S to my place for a few hours or overnight to give her some space to sort out issues with SS and until things settled. She declined and said everythings ok, S is fine, and SS hasnt come back. She dovetailed that into telling me how now she cant rely on SS to care for S when she works, and has to negotiate with SD to look after S. Told her I hope it works out.

She then moved to MIL issues, how her uncle told her she wouldn't want to pass away and regret not apologising to her. She said she called MIL to apologise, but MIL was screaming and swearing at her, and XW doesnt care as that's not acceptable behaviour, which I agreed.

XW noted speaking with her sister and how I'd gotten MIL onto her medicine and that that's because MIL only listens to men (no thank you of course, just that grudging acknowledgement). XW said jokingly 'you thought you'd escaped!' but I said I'd always be there to help her mum. She said her and her sister would be looking into aged care options for MIL in the next few months. I said something light about 'bloody parents' and how nobody tells her mum what to do, then wished her luck with organising that and I hoped everything else worked out as well. She was again apologetic for disturbing me, and I said it wasn't a problem.

Next day I got a string of several sms reminding me about a school appointment (an early evening mundane one I didnt need to go to) she booked and if I wanted to come, reminding me to collect S to take to school, reminding me about her 2nd upcoming holiday, asking to swap care dates for S because of that, asking me to feed the dogs, then telling me she'd ask SD to do that, then telling me SD would do it.

Several hours later I replied by confirming (yet again) I'd collect S, and saying I couldnt make the school appointment but thanks for asking. I didnt reply to any of the other stuff.

Last night I got another text as I'm heading out for GAL activities, asking very politely to do a huge favour and come to her place to keep an eye on things as SS was coming over shortly to collect belongings, but she would be at work and SD and S were there. I replied about 30 mins later with a short 'Sorry, I'm out and about". Old me would have stopped what I was doing and gone there

Guys, could I please have feedback? I'm torn. I have a tendency to feel obliged to help, but I know for my own sake and sanity I can't keep getting sucked back in to her vortex of problems, needs, becuase it will keep happening and keep me down.

I've made peace with my SS. My relationship with SD is good. XW's family relationship problems are now solely hers right? I'm not plan B, I'm not the go to guy for her, I'm not going to be taken advantage of any more.

Oh, and I've finished reading DR and getting stuck into NMMNG

[AnotherStander]

Guys, could I please have feedback? I'm torn. I have a tendency to feel obliged to help, but I know for my own sake and sanity I can't keep getting sucked back in to her vortex of problems, needs, becuase it will keep happening and keep me down.

Sounds like you handled it all well. You offered some listening and validation without trying to fix her problems. You're maintaining some distance despite her trying to yank you around like you're her puppet. I think the only adjustment you might consider is being a little less available. Seems EVERYTHING is a big emergency to her, if you don't reply to a text then you get more texts and calls until you capitulate. She's trying to control and manipulate you.

[DaB35]

I agree with AS - you've done really well recently with interactions.

Maybe don't always help out. Of course if MIL is in serious trouble or at risk of injury for example, then I would imagine that is fine.

Otherwise, I think more of the "Sorry I'm out and about" responses would work. I notice she didn't react negatively to that so from what AS says it seems that everything she contacts you about is a massive problem.