I think in one hand she is trying to say "you don't pay enough attention to me" and possibly wants to feel desired by you. On the other hand, the way she went about seeking attention WAS FROM OTHER MEN!! By posting nude photos of her self to them to FEEL DESIRED. Do you see the distinguishing line here? Do you see how logic and feelings can be conflicting? Her FEELLINGS to be desired are stronger than her morals and commitment to her husband.
I was at a club this weekend at a Halloween party. Since I walk and dance to the beat of my own drum. I was doing my own thing and dancing and having a good time just all by myself. There was this woman there who was dancing in her own corner for about two solid hours. Her myself and my friend started talking with her. Came to find out she was married and there by herself and her husband was home. My friend later told me to ditch the conversation and he explained to me that he recognized that girl and you seen her there 3 years in a row doing the same exact thing without her husband.
now either she likes to dance and will do whatever she needs to do to express herself with her husband comes along or not or shares that with her. Or she is seeking attention and validation which he's not getting at home. What I'm trying to say is if they're not getting something they will go out elsewhere and seek it. if they were openly expressive and communicative about these things then it would be our responsibility to attempt to fulfill it. However keep in mind that once boundaries are crossed, and our spouses start seeking attention from other men regardless of how small or how large the infraction is. DO NOT LET THEIR FEELINGS HOLD YOUR RESPONSIBLE IN JUSTIFYING THEM CHEATING. But acknowledge communicate and validate how they feel and if they haven't crossed too many lines in the sand as far as what you're willing to tolerate then keep an open mind when they come onto if they come on to you that's a good thing. But be firm. How do you be firm? Shame isn't going to get you anywhere. You have to let her know that you know what's going on and call her out on her BS not communicating and sending nude pictures to other men is unacceptable and you will not tolerate that in an open marriage. On the other hand you still want to be cool calm and collected and be open to any advances that she may make but take it for what it is in that moment and not hold any expectations to it whatsoever. By all means pay attention to her actions and not her words. Now may or may not be the time to do this I would ask the experts here but I would demand that you see her phone. If she tries to shame you in to being that you are controlling at that request. You tell her that you are not controlling her that she's free to do whatever she wishes at her own will. And that you are offering her two choices. either she chooses to submit to your request to rebuild the trust within the relationship, or she can walk.
Ask the vets here first. This is just my two cents.
In short what I am trying to say is if you are being treated as an option, then do the same. Keep an open mind, be forgiving, but firm in your boundaries. Listen and validate even if you don't agree. Maintain your self respect and integrity first and foremost. There is a saying around here. Become AMOAFWL
I do not agree with hclacs. You and W are both hurting from the confrontation. Now especially, you need to choose your words and actions very carefully. There will be a time to set boundaries. I promise. Now is not the time. Please please please begin to examine your flaws and stop trying to justify your own actions. Recognize that your W is also hurting. The more you try to control her now, the more she will resent you - she already does. You are on a collision course with D, and you may be the one to cause it.
I wanted to be helpful by breaking down your conversation to highlight issues--
Originally Posted by Iowadazd
She wasn't that surprised. The she said that after being a mom for so long it felt good to have men lust at her body. I said she's was only a mom for a few years..
"She was only a mom for a few years" is a form of INVALIDATION called MINIMIZING. If you Google "Invalidation" and "Minimizing", you'll learn denying others' reality is poor communication in addition to being anti-DB. You can listen to, understand, and acknowledge her feelings without agreeing with her actions.
Originally Posted by Iowadazd
Then she said that if I had noticed her more then she wouldn't feel the need to do this. I said not to put this back on me and she is responsible for her own actions. It got quite heated.
It was her choice to post nudes. She felt she needed to do so to feel wanted, because she feels you don't pay attention to her that way anymore. Imagine listening and validating--"Wow.. you don't feel I notice you that way, you don't feel I lust after you anymore.. and that was a factor in your choice." I wonder what she'd say next, what openings that would've create. I'm amazed how my partner softens when I listen. This doesn't erase that posting nudes was her choice and responsibility--it just acknowledges her feelings and her reality. This was the moment the conversation could've turned radically positive..
Originally Posted by Iowadazd
I then said I would tell her mom and sister because I was disgusted. Boy she got made a that and called me all sorts of names. She said that I don't own her or can't control her.
And now it turns radically negative..
Threatening to tell on her (use shame as a weapon) sounds like an attempt to try to control her. Note how many previous replies to you were about dropping controlling behaviors.
Originally Posted by Iowadazd
and if she wanted to post pictures then she couldn't do it in our house.
This is a direct attempt to control her. As a co-owner and/or tenant, she can actually post whatever she wants from the home. You control you. She controls her.
Originally Posted by Iowadazd
I then invited her to leave if she felt like that She called up her sister and to come to get her and the kids.
Don't ask for it unless it's what you want. Oof, I learned this one the hard way, too.
Originally Posted by Rai
Recognize that your W is also hurting. The more you try to control her now, the more she will resent you - she already does.
That's been a HUGE help for me in tough conversations, remembering my partner is hurting, too.
How are you this morning? I know yesterday was rough so give us an update...
Iowa, please provide an update. Many of us have given into the tit-for-tat MR talk in the middle of our sitches. And just as many of us got our grapes crushed for making mistakes in those discussions. You got a lot of good advice so that in the future you can you can handle these interactions in a more productive way.
I am sure anger, and a sense of being right, drove many of your words yesterday. As a certain bald, Texan TV psychologist likes to ask and point out: "How did that work for you?" and "Would you rather be right or happy?" You might be right, but being a right-fighter often times causes the exact opposite of what you would like to happen.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
How are you this morning? I know yesterday was rough so give us an update...
Iowa, please provide an update. Many of us have given into the tit-for-tat MR talk in the middle of our sitches. And just as many of us got our grapes crushed for making mistakes in those discussions. You got a lot of good advice so that in the future you can you can handle these interactions in a more productive way.
I am sure anger, and a sense of being right, drove many of your words yesterday. As a certain bald, Texan TV psychologist likes to ask and point out: "How did that work for you?" and "Would you rather be right or happy?" You might be right, but being a right-fighter often times causes the exact opposite of what you would like to happen.
I got a text from my W last night saying that she was thinking things over. She also told me she told her sister that we were having problems with our furnace and that's why she was staying with her with the kids. I didn't get into any other discussion but thanked her for the info. No other contact. I didn't reach out and she didn't either. It seems we are both cooling our heels on this for now. I
Look I am responsible for my own actions but I thought that telling her that she can't do that in our house and telling her that she was disrespectful to the marriage was what I was being encourage to do. I thought that I wasn't being a nice guy by letting her continue with her hobby. I thought I had to set a boundary about it.
I was told that my wife didn't respect me that I should tell her that what I will or won't tolerant. And enforce it. I thought I was doing all that. And she left.
So what am I doing wrong? I'm so low right now. The house feels so empty and I missed my kids. It's only for a day but Halloween is coming and I like to dress up with my kids. Should I ask my wife to come home for trick or treating with no expectations?
Hi Iowa, I'm sorry you're feeling low. ((Hugs)) I urge you to make time to read carefully the above replies AND the threads on Boundaries and Validation BEFORE talking to your wife. Post here your understanding of the difference between Boundaries and Ultimatums, between Validating and Agreeing. It sounds like you have strong chances if you can invest some time in self-improvement.
You can absolutely set a boundary. But the boundary is for you. We are not judging you here. Dont feel bad. Your conversation is now the past and another lesson learned. Its extremely difficult to communicate when you are upset. Obviously you were upset. If you are upset, then dont talk. Back off and cool down.
We all said things to our WW out of hurt. Because it sure as hell hurts. You still have an opportunity. Your wife absolutely told you what she wants. She didnt say she wants a D or to leave you. She said she wants to feel sexy and desired. So be that man.
Validate her feelings. Like said above, validating is not agreeing. Its simply showing you are listening and understanding. You can absolutely tell her how her actions made you feel. Communication goes both ways.
Instead of "your actions are disgusting and disrespectful " you say "I understand you want to be desired. However, your actions make me feel disrespected and hurt"
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
