Wow--you believe we enjoy when you make mistakes? I successfully reconciled with my partner and I really want to see you get there, too or at least be content with your choices leading to divorce.
Originally Posted by "Iowa"
I wondered if we could get some time to talk. She said "Maybe." So that's a positive.
Your "caving" and reaching out for R talk was predictable and is a typical error. Since I didn't see any indication you processed my longer reply on listening and validation, I kept it brief--
Originally Posted by "CWarrior"
Iowa, I'm rooting for you, buddy! Try to resist the urge to reach out until you read up the replies above and threads discussed.
Originally Posted by "LH19"
Now you panicked and decided to pursue and have a relationship talk which will probably end badly for you. Slow down and take some deep breathes and come here before making any decisions because unfortunately you are starting to act out of fear and that usually makes things worse.
Did you get the message?! Try to avoid an R talk tonight. Read up on Listening and Validating.
Wow Iowa, I have to admit, I'm a little confused by your logic. Moving her out of the MBR for posting nude photos is passive-aggressive and controlling. But stating "You can't post nudes in the house or I'll tell your mom and sister!" Isn't?
The general rule is to not share a bedroom with a cheater. Since they are the one stepping out of the marriage they should be the one to leave the MBR. You say you want to ask her to move out instead. What happens when she says "no"? Do you threaten to tell on her, like we are in grade school here?
And then this: "If I say that I won't be in a marriage where my wife posts nude, is that just begging to get a divorce?"
Really?!?! So you've already said she can't posts nudes. What if she continues? Here is the thing we are trying to get you to understand. You do not get to control her. Period. This has already been proven. Otherwise she never would have posted nudes to begin with. But what you do get to control is how you deal with it. If your ultimate goal is to never get a a D, then guess what? You are giving her a blank check to do whatever she wants, because she knows while you won't like it that you'll never have the backbone to take action. You were the one talking about lines and that posting nude photos may be that line. So what is it? You don't want a D no matter what, or you have a line that once crossed would cause you to file for D yourself?
Iowa, I get the impression you're a little spoiled. And you want everything on your terms. "I don't want a D but I don't want a wife that doesn't posts nude photos online!" That ship has already sailed. Now what?
And then you break the advice to leave her alone for now, invite her for Halloween?!? And then start pressuring and pursuing with the "I'm attracted to you" you talk?
This would have been better "I want to spend Halloween with my kids, I will pick them up tomorrow night at 5:30" When she balked. You say, "ok, let's decide when I will have them tomorrow night and when you will." Because I'm telling you, you're headed for divorce, you might as well practice co-parenting now.
I'm was asking if it is ALL controlling and passive aggressive. I can't force someone out of a bedroom any more than I can force someone out of a house, can't I?
Dude you need to let go of what I said in the heat of the moment. I acknowledge it was wrong and I didn't follow up. Do you hold onto little mistakes your wife makes too? you've mentioned all the time.
You guys keep saying that I don't get to control her. I get that. But how is moving her stuff out of the MBR not controlling or an attempt to control her. That's my question. No one has answered it.
I think the message I'm getting is that I need to file. That seems to be the only action I can take that will establish a boundary and show her that I won't tolerate her posting of nude photos.
I think we're getting out in the weeds. Iowa, your W hasn't been meeting these guys or revealing her identity as far as we know. This puts you ahead of most of situations here. She even lied about why she went to her sister's place, so that's good that she isn't ready to tell everyone that there are problems yet. Those a huge positives!
What's her number 1 dealio right now? She wants to be wanted!!!!! So work on attraction. Read about what women are attracted to. Be calm, strong, engaging, make eye contact, listen, ask questions, don't be overly needy. Make this woman love you, be that guy you were on your first year of dating. You can probably pursue a LITTLE just don't be needy or whiny IMO.
If y'all talk just listen to her. Understand what she says, validate her feelings, ask questions, reflect her statements back to her. Don't inject your feelings for the time being! There may be a time when she'll discuss your feelings but let her bring it up down the road.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Wow--you believe we enjoy when you make mistakes? I successfully reconciled with my partner and I really want to see you get there, too or at least be content with your choices leading to divorce..
[/quote]
I was talking about the one person who has mentioned my mistake in every single one of his posts.
Iowa - one of the hardest DB principals is the no R talk . It goes against everything you want to do or say. It’s a must though . Let her work through her emotions with out any pressure . Just smile and be polite .
The family events or holidays just set up a time you will be taking the kids alone . Have fun when you are with them . Like real fun . It may feel off at first but you will get stronger . The stronger you the better .
And I just saw your post, we all get caught up in the moment! No worries my friend!! Don't file unless you want a divorce. If her doing this stuff online is something you can't live with then file and move on. But if you want to work on it than get to gettin!
I would just continue to read and learn about boundaries here and makes 180s on things you'd like to see change in yourself.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
No you have other options. You could separate, you could refuse martial relations with her. There are other options then D but that might be where you ultimately end up.
I think we're getting out in the weeds. Iowa, your W hasn't been meeting these guys or revealing her identity as far as we know. This puts you ahead of most of situations here. She even lied about why she went to her sister's place, so that's good that she isn't ready to tell everyone that there are problems yet. Those a huge positives!
What's her number 1 dealio right now? She wants to be wanted!!!!! So work on attraction. Read about what women are attracted to. Be calm, strong, engaging, make eye contact, listen, ask questions, don't be overly needy. Make this woman love you, be that guy you were on your first year of dating. You can probably pursue a LITTLE just don't be needy or whiny IMO.
If y'all talk just listen to her. Understand what she says, validate her feelings, ask questions, reflect her statements back to her. Don't inject your feelings for the time being! There may be a time when she'll discuss your feelings but let her bring it up down the road.
I appreciate this. Sorry for being confrontational to every. I'm hurting and angry. i'm trying to calm. My plan over the next few days is as follows.
1. tonight I'm not going to have an talks about the marriage. I will just trick or treat and get the eff out of there after. 2. I'm going to limit my interactions with my wife either by text or phone. 3. This will give me time to read up on boundaries and validation. I feel I've been making too many mistakes in this process. my mind is everywhere these days. 4. I heard of a book called After the Affair. I'm treating her posting nudes as an affair. 5. I'm going to do some project around the house that I have put off. It's a good time with the kids gone because they can be distracting.
Iowa - one of the hardest DB principals is the no R talk . It goes against everything you want to do or say. It’s a must though . Let her work through her emotions with out any pressure . Just smile and be polite .
The family events or holidays just set up a time you will be taking the kids alone . Have fun when you are with them . Like real fun . It may feel off at first but you will get stronger . The stronger you the better .
1. tonight I'm not going to have an talks about the marriage. I will just trick or treat and get the eff out of there after. 2. I'm going to limit my interactions with my wife either by text or phone. 3. This will give me time to read up on boundaries and validation. I feel I've been making too many mistakes in this process. my mind is everywhere these days. 4. I heard of a book called After the Affair. I'm treating her posting nudes as an affair. 5. I'm going to do some project around the house that I have put off. It's a good time with the kids gone because they can be distracting.
Good luck. It's going to be really challenging, the first couple days. If she wants to say things about the R, it's okay to just listen and gather information. if she asks questions or for decisions that make you tense or you aren't 100% confident about, a good stock line is "Let me think about it." Few decisions need to be made on the spot. Most can wait a few hours, or overnight, or in a few days.
