Midlife wife crisis11

[Thornton]

Wolf, your story isn't over. Even if you get a divorce, it's just a piece of paper. Lots of couples that divorce end up remarrying each other down the road.

[Wolfman]

AS, R2C, Ballast, Thornton, Thank you. I wish I knew and embraced the saying, “Do you want to be happily married or right?” I choose happily married. I know that is gone, so for my next relationship I will choose happy.

AS I’m not proud, my m failed. I know I am not the only one to blame. But it’s no different when the kicker in football misses the winning kick, we still lost and it still hurts. I tried real hard and I am proud of what I learned. I truly appreciate everyone who has come on here to help me. I met some great people and I am thankful for that.

As far as us getting divorced. There is no way we will get back together. To me that is the period at the end of the sentence, it’s done. Honestly, if she tried to get back with me later on, it’s not happening. I can’t be put through all this hurt and pain and then go back to someone who has caused it. Not only the emotional and mental pain she has caused, but her breaking up the family, seeing my kids go through this!!! And last the financial hardship she has caused me. For me I fight till the end, the end is us signing the papers!!! Very sad!!!! I will continue to post and try and help others out, not to make the mistakes I made. MLC [censored]!!

[IHCLACS]

Wolf how are you doing with the transition of finding singleness independence and self-differation of W? Slow transition? Any new discoveries? Up and down? One step forward two steps back? Any progress in this area?

[Wolfman]

I am falling apart today. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Monday we sign the papers. I wish there was something I could do or say to change her mind, give me a second chance. This next week is going to be so hard for me. I don’t want to be divorced, I want my family back, I want the love we had as a family back. How can a few situations destroy an entire marriage?? How does she not remember the million great times we had?? How does she think divorce will make this better? I know these are questions I have asked a million times. Sorry for the repetitiveness. You don’t have to answer. I just looking for comfort and I’m venting because I am so hurt!!!

[IHCLACS]

Here is a good question. What does XW represent to you then? Family, love, good times, memories, companionship, intimacy, things they knew about you that no one else knew or saw? A life together. Unity, etc.

What does she represent to you now? Her now is something that makes her want to break free, be independent, have freedom. It could have to do with her? It could have to do with her experiences within the M. I know it feels like a great loss on all fronts. But what if we idealized someone into someone we thought we knew and we really didn't. They accepted a life that they didn't really want, but thought they did when they got married. Now they are looking to re neg and escape from that. they either want to break free and explore another life or explore another size themselves or developed themselves in a way they are a better version of themselves even if it seems contradictory to what we are seeing. They could be getting toxic or they could be even hurting themselves and some of these Pursuits but we have to let them fail and remove ourselves from them. You cannot control another life you have to let them make their own choices just like your children

What if we ignored those red flags. What if we put our own lives on hold for the sake of this other person? I think our mistakes here Wolf are as much as we are hurting, as much loss as we feel over all this. It is not for nothing. It will make us a more calmer, better, resolving, decisive, motivated, boundary enforcing version of ourselves. That is able to communicate more effectively, be more assertive, empathetic, not give away ourselves but be a compliment to the right person.

Wolf there are other areas of your life you can find fulfilment in. I know our ex spouses were the center of our worlds, and pursuing other areas of life feel a little empty at times, but the divorce is simply a settlement and a piece if paper. Yes a nail driving one in the coffin, but it doesn't have to affect the rest of your life or other areas of your life. We have choices. Its just a matter of picking ourselves up off the groumd,out of the hole, and get to making those choices for our lives.

There are days where I still go numb at the thought of what my life has become. There are days where I get scared of what it may possibly might be from the loss of it all. There's some days I think about some of the choices I can make to make a better person out of myself and to better my circumstances. How we go about thinking about this and changing I thought pattern just how we change our Direction and course. I'm trying to look at it this way. It's the end of our marriages it's not the end of our lives. We have choices how we think how we feel and what we do with them.

[Wolfman]

Here is a good question. What does XW represent to you then? Family, love, good times, memories, companionship, intimacy, things they knew about you that no one else knew or saw? A life together. Unity.

Thats what she use to represent to me, she was all those things. But like Sandy has said the WW heart goes cold and selfish and that’s what happened to stbxw. Will she come out of it? I don’t know? But this is certainly not the woman I married. All for family and keeping everyone together. So to see her transform into this “new” person. That’s where I am stuck. I think about all the good. And blocked out any of the bad. I recognize that there is ups and downs in a relationship, she did not. She only wanted the ups and now that a few downs happened she just wants to run. I can’t change her nor make her do anything she doesn’t want. I wish at times my mind worked like her, only remembering the few bad moments and running with that. I am trying real hard to let go and move on but a backslide. I am trying real hard to not let my mind go backwards. This has been one of the most painful experiences I ever had to endure. I know so many struggle on here too and I wish I could help each and everyone of you too.

I need to work hard at finding that strong, independent funny person I use to be. I was the person who always had a smile on my face and make everyone else smile or laugh. For the past year it has been depression and man does it stink. I have to start finding the good in life and focusing on that.

I still don’t think my stbxw, doesn’t know what this will entail. I say that because she will on occasion text or call me to tell me about her day. I am nice and cordial and validate her feelings about work. But once these papers are signed I don’t want to hear about anything other than about the kids. I don’t know if she is prepared for that. I tried so hard to show her I am a changed person, by validating a lot more, being calm, even more loving to the kids. But once my name goes on those papers I don’t care about her day or problems.

[Wolfman]

I have a question. My stbxw text me this morning that my d was not behaving and that she lost her cell phone for the day. Today is my day with the kids. I wanted to do something nice with my d since my stbxw is taking my s to see the globetrotters. I have a feeling she will day to me that I am rewarding my d for bad behavior. But her behavior wasn’t with me and then I am the one who is suppose enforce the punishment. Please advise.

[IHCLACS]

There's something i want to mention in your last statement Wolf. I struggled with this for a solid year. All of those new behaviors you are trying to demonstrate to her. I hope it is more permenant change OF WHO YOU WANT TO BE and act so IN ALL SITUATIONS, rather than just doing it as "technique" around you're STBXW They can smell right through that.
For the past year my constant thoughts over all this and you guys on here has given me bouts of temporary depression where I put off things I should be doing/pursuing and sleep to "reset my mind" Here's the thing Wolf. Granted its not completely wasted, Im sure you've learned a lot in the last year. But how much time have you wasted fretting over these situations for the past year trying to figure out how to cope, how to proceed, and how to get W back? Its difficult to break through to someone that you care, when they don't anymore. At least not in the marital romantical sense. You get back to being fun, funny, and independent when you do just that, and cut off the source new found misery. I know I'm guilty of it too, but these people are living in our heads and our hearts RENT FREE. When they want nothing to do with us other than to use us for the convenience of time, money, kids, their social activities, and emotional usury to have someone there to complain to as a result OF THEIR POOR DECISIONS. Start rebuilding you and focus on what is to come good and bad and make the best of your life.

[Traveler]

I have a question. My stbxw text me this morning that my d was not behaving and that she lost her cell phone for the day. Today is my day with the kids. I wanted to do something nice with my d since my stbxw is taking my s to see the globetrotters. I have a feeling she will day to me that I am rewarding my d for bad behavior. But her behavior wasn’t with me and then I am the one who is suppose enforce the punishment. Please advise.

Hi Wolf, 8 years divorced, I do NOT enforce my ex-wife's punishments and I do not ask her to enforce mine. This makes life much easier, especially when my kids feel a punishment or lack of punishment is unjust.

Note, we sometimes both independently apply consequences for school behaviors, and common or school behaviors infrequently rise to a level where we share and plan actions together.

[LH19]

W,

You absolutely do not need to enforce her punishment.

Until you get to a point where you are not afraid of your W anymore and you realize she needs to EARN a second chance with you unfortunately you will will suffer.

I hope everything goes smoothly Monday.

Stay strong!