Not willing to quit

[IHCLACS]

All this pain Turbine. Use it. Use it to change and to grow. Turbine. Do you really want to leave this world not correcting and learning from the mistakes you made? Not living your best life? Not taking chances, having regrets and transforming into a person that can handle anything, including themselves, and divorce?

[Turbine]

IHCLAS, we are still married. She just isn't acting like we are. and it still hurts.

[Adam04]

Turbine,

I am sorry to hear this is going on for you still. Nothing seems to have changed and it wont until you do. She is gone and you are still pining away with too much focus on her.

Can I ask since you are a religious person, does it really matter in the end? Does her being by your side really matter in the grand scheme of things? Isn't it just you and God, your maker? If you had a list of all your wrongs, do you have to make them right by her? Or do you want to make them right with yourself and God?

You've been at this for a year. We come here broken and beat up and we slowly try to heal and rebuild. Where are you in your process? Can you heal and rebuild while still holding on and clinging to her?

Sometimes from reading your posts she has been mean and maybe you feel its warranted because of the way you treated her in the past. That doesn't give her right to walk all over you. And this latest bit of info about having a BF... I would be a little angry about that too and like IH said, use that energy and turn it into something positive.

Know your worth and stop the self pity.

And please stop thinking that suicide will do any good. I think I get it that you want her to see the level of pain that she is causing you and I think you have your answer. She won't care so it will be pointless to try and do that to hurt her when you will be hurting so many other people who DO CARE about you. There is no logic in that thinking so please stop that.

I'm not saying these things to be mean or to be without compassion. I can identify with much of what you are going through and have felt, and it does no good to linger in that space you are in for so long.

I read your last post to IH about you two still being married and she is just not acting like it. Not sure if you are hearing yourself as you're going thru D, having your world turned upside down, her telling you she's got a BF, and you're wondering if she's only doing that to hurt you, like its some dream.

I don't know what it will take for you to wake up out of this and love yourself and her enough to let her go, not in this selfish way. This is still all too selfish.

You have the grit to make it through this.

[IHCLACS]

Good post Adam04. I feel the same way Turbine. Ive been paying attention to my rollercoaster of emotions through all of this, although I don't have "the solution" to "get things right". But it is better to be self aware of it. I will say this. There are layers to it all for me anyway.
When I focus on myself, it is minimal, out of necessity and survival, mixed partly in with subborness, denial, and resentment to force me through it and get the job done. Its like being paralyzed and fighting whay we really don't want but know we have to do. Beneath that layer is a desire to change, to live for ourselves, to find happiness and purpose, and although we can't help it. We think of the past, all the good times, the intimate moments, the successes and failures, the hurts, the guilt, etc, which keeps us stuck, but still reflecting and learning. We watch videisn we take advise, we go to therapy to learn how to deal with all this, we turn on our emotions, we shut them down, we find new ways to deal with them, we go crazy trying to find an outlet and support. Then beneath all that. We want connection we can't have, we want nothing more tgan to reconcile, we turn to God and scripture, and want nothing more than to forgive, not be cold torwards ourselves and our ex's. We wish they could see it from our side, and discuss it. And vice versa. Its a lot of trauma for them and for us to process. We can't control any of it. Its their choice. Its their choice to stop loving us. Its their choice to lead their lives the way they want to lead it. Just like it was ours to what got us here in the first place. Like I said its partly a reflection of some of our actions of the past, and partly a reflection of them making the choice to move away from us. Whether they get better, get happy, get purposeful without us, or whether they self destruct, or both. We can no longer keep score what they are doing, who they are dating, where they ate going, etc. It just keeps us more stuck on them, and less focused on ourselves and getting better. They are essentially renting the space in our minds and our hearts for free, when we are no longer a priority to them, and we are allowing it. The right thing to do,,but the hardest thing to do is let them go, set them free, let them live, and let them choose. Right wrong or indifferent. I still think that they think love is a feeling. That it is attraction, that it is supposed to be effortless, butterflies, It is a choice. It is a choice to forgive, overlook someone's flaws, let go of resentment, forgive, etc. Make the choice to forgive them, but yourself first. Make the choice to love your self first. Make the choice to realize it is not entirely a reflection of yourself of why we are here.

[IHCLACS]

I've called my Ex a bitch before too Turbine, particularly when she was acting bitchy. Her own 94 year old grandmother has before too years ago. My W is far from a bitch. She is a kind soul. But she can be bitchy at times from the rumination and resentment she builds in her head and stuffs her feelings down. The last time I called her bitchy over our property settlement agreenent, she understood why I would percieve it that way, based on her presentation. This is how I could tell she is finally detached. I apolagized for says that, not addressing her in a respectful manner, and asked her if she could try to do the same.

Getting back to your ex having a BF is that really a reflection of you? Or of her? Think about it? How ever many years You guys were together, and she either was behind your back, or is presently seeking a BF. How is that a reflection of you? I know you probably won't have the opportunity to address this again. But if the BF thing comes up again, she's doing it for one of two reasons.She is either putting you on notice to make you let her go, and unintentionally hurt you so you do. The other reason is emotional immaturity. She's trying to fill a void in herself, that was always there on her own account, or because of the void you left, and she is seeking your replacement, BOTH DO NOT HAVE ANY REFLECTION OF YOYR SWKF WORTH, THEY ARE HER CHOICES. You can't fill what was never there. She has some growing to do in alone time, and chooses to fill the void with novelty and distraction. See it for what it is. Say... "Oh you have a BF? That's Great! Im sure he's a great guy!" And walk away!

[Traveler]

The last time I called her bitchy.. she understood why I would percieve it that way, based on her presentation. This is how I could tell she is finally detached.

A mature response--your ex has learned to empathize instead of lashing out. I wonder if you feel what I often hear on threads, "Ugh! If only they learned that while we were still together." It's amazing how many changes we make after a breakup that would have avoided the breakup (or relationship) in the first place.

When my ex-wife asked me whether I wanted to meet her boyfriend, I said, "No thanks." I am glad she found someone to fill a void, as you say, as in relationships she's more balanced around the kids. It could be as simple as having an another life anchor and a sounding board for her ideas.

Say... "Oh you have a BF? That's Great! Im sure he's a great guy!" And walk away!

That sounds overboard to me.

[IHCLACS]

Hey CW? What did you mean by "another life anchor and sounding board for her ideas" Are you saying you're ex feeling like she has a sounding board for her ideas in her new relationship with her BF, and that is what keeps her there having the valadation of such? Glad to hear she is more balanced with the kids.

[Turbine]

Three weeks at a new job, actually in the fourth week. All are 50 plus hours in front of a lathe.

Email from the lawyer about a pre-trial. I have no idea what or if any of my concerns were addressed in the previous email to her (L). Since I got that email I have been getting angrier and feeling more frustrated.

I want to be able to go through my stuff on my schedule. W hasn't been home or cooperative and the locks were changed. Something else that seems to be getting glossed over. I change the lock on the bedroom door and am told to change it back. Yet we are supposed to cooperate and she changes the locks... won't let me in and makes threats about tossing my stuff.

I woke up this morning still very frustrated and dark.

Even the thought of not seeing my kids or grandkids anymore isn't much of a deterrent. I'm not taking my cholesterol meds. I don't care. Gym time helps and my new schedule has me tired after ten hours.

Yes, still clinging and hoping at times. Other times I just want to sleep in my bed, sort my stuff and go. Let her have the house. All the mortgage and bills. Take my name off that stuff and let me go. Seem she is clinging too. Getting resentful toward her instead of loving and forgiving.

[AndrewP]

Hey there Turbine. I've not been following along too closely but pop over from time to time.

As tough as it is, you need to get out of your own head. That's where the darkness is. I'm worried that you've stopped taking your cholesterol meds. At our time of life we need to take as good of care of ourselves and our plumbing so that we have good health in the years to come.

Know that what you are feeling is normal, especially in situations that drag out like your's does with all the mixed signals. The resentment is normal. Someone who is supposed to have your back puts a knife in it. I've been there myself.

You'll get through this. It's going to hurt and hurt for a while. Focus on the positive things in your life no matter how minor they are. Those sparks of joy will help light your way as will your Faith.

[Turbine]

Yeah, I do need to get out of my head. Church last night and I managed to stay awake. Shamefully I have a tendency to fall asleep during the evening services. Reasons why are no excuse. Long days, sitting still... I've fallen sleep in front of my video games. Not making a comparison. More a statement that I get to a point and doesn't matter what or where.

Tired of the games. I want this divorce like I wanted to go on a deployment. Its going to happen and my participation is mandatory, willing or not.

I'm not even sure what I am fighting for anymore. I want my stuff. I wanted to go home... but that isn't there anymore. Like after I had been on the Enterprise for a while. I came home on leave and when it was time to head back I was like, well time to go home. Wow was that a revelation then... and one now.

Can the two of us work out? I don't know. Like I said, not even sure I want to anymore. There is no forgiveness in her. Not now, maybe never was.

There are many things I would change in what I had done if I could. But being her husband... wouldn't be one of those changes.

She wants me to let her go. For all her words and some of her actions, I'm not sure what she wants. Maybe to get what she thinks she deserves. Something from my inheritance? Because my parents didn't leave her anything specifically? Not how that works.

Had really dark morning yesterday. Even had a plan. What would it do though? Not a thing. Make a final dramatic statement. Sorry Billy boy. For all your writing and tragic love story with Romeo and Juliet. The Beatles with "All You Need Is Love" ( another lie). It's a lie. Life and Love is hard and takes work. I want to work on it with her. Or did. Now... now we will see.

Am I different? Yes, sure. How can this not force changes. I was wanting to be forever with her. Not sure she would grow enough. I'm not done.

Always thought we had made a good team. Complimentary and a good whole.