I understand how you could be very upset and confused right now given all that you've been through lately. But remember, you are stronger than this! You have much to offer, so become the best you that you can be.
I like your list except for number 4. I'd say let's get lots of opinions, but my opinion is that posting pics online is not an affair. It is troubling and a betrayal, but has she been texting some guy for months talking about things? Has she been sleeping around? I ask these questions to differentiate between her inappropriate behavior and an affair. I think if you go hardcore on her because you're considering this an affair that she is going to be turned away. If you're done with her, just file and move on. If you want to fix things, do not get holier than thou acting like this is the same as a physical or emotional affair.
That was my opinion and it is open to critique and discussion. I'm not married to it and I am not speaking God's word haha!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I assume that you are referring to me as " the one person who has mentioned my mistake in every single one of his posts."
Originally Posted by Iowadazd
Sorry for being confrontational to every. I'm hurting and angry.
no worries. Hurt people hurt people. We get it.
Originally Posted by Iowadazd
1. tonight I'm not going to have an talks about the marriage. I will just trick or treat and get the eff out of there after. 2. I'm going to limit my interactions with my wife either by text or phone. 3. This will give me time to read up on boundaries and validation. I feel I've been making too many mistakes in this process. my mind is everywhere these days. 4. I heard of a book called After the Affair. I'm treating her posting nudes as an affair. 5. I'm going to do some project around the house that I have put off. It's a good time with the kids gone because they can be distracting.
I liked your list, BTW (except #4 - this was not an A - there was no AP - and I would read all the DB stuff first. I read "after the affair" and it is not as helpful - my $.02). Your list shows you are starting to turn things around.
I have been through a lot with my xW and have learned a lot. When I first came on this site, "Job" gave me a very hard time. In retrospect, he was spot on, and I wish I had met him and listened to him sooner.
You are going through a hard time. Possibly the hardest time - it was for me, without a doubt. I sympathize. But you have to put aside your feelings of anger, indignation, shame, and self-pity and start listening to what almost everyone is telling you. You are acting out of emotion and it is causing more damage.
If you want everyone to tell you how awful your W is and validate how you feel about her, that is fine. Everyone needs a sounding board sometime. But it is not going to help your M. However...If you truly want to stop this speeding train from ending your M, then you have to leave your comfort zone, start acknowledging your role in this, and begin taking our advice. you cannot control your W, but you can improve yourself. To do so, you have to first acknowledge your flaws.
Everyone is doing this for no other reason than to help you. We are taking time out of our lives to help you. So I am going to ask you to bare your soul one last time:
Originally Posted by RAI
Your W is seeking attention/affection from other men. It is clear that she was not getting sufficient attention/affection from you. Please tell us the ways in which you have NOT been giving her attention and affection. feel free to write a list.
Wow Iowa, I have to admit, I'm a little confused by your logic. Moving her out of the MBR for posting nude photos is passive-aggressive and controlling. But stating "You can't post nudes in the house or I'll tell your mom and sister!" Isn't?
The general rule is to not share a bedroom with a cheater. Since they are the one stepping out of the marriage they should be the one to leave the MBR. You say you want to ask her to move out instead. What happens when she says "no"? Do you threaten to tell on her, like we are in grade school here?
And then this: "If I say that I won't be in a marriage where my wife posts nude, is that just begging to get a divorce?"
Really?!?! So you've already said she can't posts nudes. What if she continues? Here is the thing we are trying to get you to understand. You do not get to control her. Period. This has already been proven. Otherwise she never would have posted nudes to begin with. But what you do get to control is how you deal with it. If your ultimate goal is to never get a a D, then guess what? You are giving her a blank check to do whatever she wants, because she knows while you won't like it that you'll never have the backbone to take action. You were the one talking about lines and that posting nude photos may be that line. So what is it? You don't want a D no matter what, or you have a line that once crossed would cause you to file for D yourself?
Iowa, I get the impression you're a little spoiled. And you want everything on your terms. "I don't want a D but I don't want a wife that doesn't posts nude photos online!" That ship has already sailed. Now what?
And then you break the advice to leave her alone for now, invite her for Halloween?!? And then start pressuring and pursuing with the "I'm attracted to you" you talk?
This would have been better "I want to spend Halloween with my kids, I will pick them up tomorrow night at 5:30" When she balked. You say, "ok, let's decide when I will have them tomorrow night and when you will." Because I'm telling you, you're headed for divorce, you might as well practice co-parenting now.
I'm was asking if it is ALL controlling and passive aggressive. I can't force someone out of a bedroom any more than I can force someone out of a house, can't I?
Dude you need to let go of what I said in the heat of the moment. I acknowledge it was wrong and I didn't follow up. Do you hold onto little mistakes your wife makes too? you've mentioned all the time.
You guys keep saying that I don't get to control her. I get that. But how is moving her stuff out of the MBR not controlling or an attempt to control her. That's my question. No one has answered it.
I think the message I'm getting is that I need to file. That seems to be the only action I can take that will establish a boundary and show her that I won't tolerate her posting of nude photos.
Wow. I think we are seeing a bit of the dynamics going on in your marriage. This post is the first time I've seen you acknowledge that what you said in the heat of the moment was a mistake. That is all I was trying to get you to see. Instead you kept comparing it to us telling you that IF SHE DOESN'T STOP POSTING NUDE PHOTOS ONLINE then move her out of the bedroom. Notice the big if there?
And yes, you can insist someone sleep somewhere else. There is no legal requirement that she gets the MBR. Most states make it illegal to kick a spouse out of the house though since they are co-owners of the dwelling (or co-leasers).
And no one is telling you to file. What we are telling you is that taking that off the table entirely is a mistake. Your first post was asking how to save your marriage. When you got advice to that end then you switched to you being the WAS.
It really feels like you came here to argue. I truly am sorry you are going through this. Having had a similar thing happen with my W (sending nude photos to an EAP), I related to you. But you seem to be right-fighter, and as I already pointed out to you, being right doesn't always equal being happy. As a former right-fighter myself I can tell you that it rarely does.
You made a good point. I have been guilty of holding past statements over people's heads. Thanks for the reminder on that. I will never mention what you said to her in the heat of the moment again.
God bless you, I truly hope you are able to save your marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Iowa - one of the hardest DB principals is the no R talk . It goes against everything you want to do or say. It’s a must though . Let her work through her emotions with out any pressure . Just smile and be polite .
The family events or holidays just set up a time you will be taking the kids alone . Have fun when you are with them . Like real fun . It may feel off at first but you will get stronger . The stronger you the better .
Even if she hasn't dropped the bomb?
She is not in the home . Yes now . No pressure . Smile . Be pleasant . No relationship talks .
If she talks you listen . Become the best listener out there . The non sense my H talked about I just sat there and listened too . I am not a very good validator but I am learning to just listen calmly .
GAL is important. The more you appear needy the less attractive . You will start to enjoy GAL. I once in awhile would throw out a feeler about family time . I learned quickly the more I brought it up the more he would pull away . I stopped asking all together . But was always friendly but a bit distant .
You are going to make mistakes . We all do . Brush it off and get back up .
Had Halloween. I went over to my SIL's house as we had discussed. I didn't bring up anything. I ended up taking the kids out in her sisters neighborhood with their cousins. I acted like everything was okay with the family. With little kids we made it maybe a couple blocks before they got tired. So it wasn't long. I had my own wolf man mask on, so I really couldn't talk. Score!
Then I made an excuse and quickly got back to our house. My W kept saying that we'd probably get egged or TP'ed since there was no one to hand out candy. I thought she was being silly but didn't say anything. As I thought, kids don't do that anymore.
I then did something dumb. I came home and was sad by the empty house with the Halloween decorations started. I saw my wife had posted a picture of her in a "slutty" nurse costume earlier that day. I was upset. So I started drinking, got tipsy and put a profile on tinder. I then passed out. I had to call out today and I'm feeling it. Not fun.
I was thinking about boundaries and ultimatums. do you think the WAS had ultimatums in their mind before they walked away. I mean it seems logical.
Interesting.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Had Halloween. I went over to my SIL's house as we had discussed. I didn't bring up anything. I ended up taking the kids out in her sisters neighborhood with their cousins. I acted like everything was okay with the family. With little kids we made it maybe a couple blocks before they got tired. So it wasn't long. I had my own wolf man mask on, so I really couldn't talk. Score!
Then I made an excuse and quickly got back to our house. My W kept saying that we'd probably get egged or TP'ed since there was no one to hand out candy. I thought she was being silly but didn't say anything. As I thought, kids don't do that anymore.
I then did something dumb. I came home and was sad by the empty house with the Halloween decorations started. I saw my wife had posted a picture of her in a "slutty" nurse costume earlier that day. I was upset. So I started drinking, got tipsy and put a profile on tinder. I then passed out. I had to call out today and I'm feeling it. Not fun.
I was thinking about boundaries and ultimatums. do you think the WAS had ultimatums in their mind before they walked away. I mean it seems logical.
Interesting.
What the H*LL? Why is this person trying to pretend to be me. They are sick.
Had Halloween. I went over to my SIL's house as we had discussed. I didn't bring up anything. I ended up taking the kids out in her sisters neighborhood with their cousins. I acted like everything was okay with the family. With little kids we made it maybe a couple blocks before they got tired. So it wasn't long. I had my own wolf man mask on, so I really couldn't talk. Score!
Then I made an excuse and quickly got back to our house. My W kept saying that we'd probably get egged or TP'ed since there was no one to hand out candy. I thought she was being silly but didn't say anything. As I thought, kids don't do that anymore.
I then did something dumb. I came home and was sad by the empty house with the Halloween decorations started. I saw my wife had posted a picture of her in a "slutty" nurse costume earlier that day. I was upset. So I started drinking, got tipsy and put a profile on tinder. I then passed out. I had to call out today and I'm feeling it. Not fun.
I was thinking about boundaries and ultimatums. do you think the WAS had ultimatums in their mind before they walked away. I mean it seems logical.
Interesting.
What the H*LL? Why is this person trying to pretend to be me. They are sick.
LOL........yeah. Next time you might want to make sure you have signed into the right account before posting...Many Worries.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I was thinking about boundaries and ultimatums. do you think the WAS had ultimatums in their mind before they walked away. I mean it seems logical.
You tell us--did she give you an ultimatum before leaving? An ultimatum would be telling you what to do. "You better change this, or else!" They aren't silent. You can't tell someone what to do silently.
My partner--and many WAS--discovered boundaries. Exactly what DB proposes. Mine told herself, "If we fight one more time, I'm leaving." Her boundary was silent. It didn't seek to control me. She wouldn't accept living in a relationship where we fought every day or even every few days.
I wish my WAS gave me an ultimatum. She only ever said a long time ago ... "If you cheat on me I'll leave" and that was a casual conversation, not even a serious threat (don't remember what we were talking about).
The closest she came to telling me she wanted a D was when I asked her if she cared about me and why she was so distant, and she said "I'm here because of [oldest daughter]" - that really scared me but she wouldn't elaborate further than that.
I wish she had told me a while ago; "Hey if you don't shape up or don't do this, or if you don't stop travelling I'm leaving" that would have been a much better conversation to have. She admits that she didn't communicate things well, although the other day exasperated she told me "You wanted me to spell it out like this .. {waves hands in front of me}"
She's in a total emotional disarray, a month ago she seemed more stable, I see her regressing. Not sure why.
