When this all started, we were both sleeping in different sofas. Then I asked my W to please sleep in the master bedroom, she told me "that's not MY bed". One night I wanted to give her some space and I slept on the floor of the room.
Then I said, what the heck am I doing, and just rearranged the room and slept in my bed. It feels so good, and I don't feel bad at all because I offered and she declined.
Happy you had a good halloween man. I know what you mean about the day to day...For the most part, it's business as usual. Wake up, make sure our son is ready for school, make breakfast etc...
I definitely miss the little things like you've mentioned...passing by in the hallway for a quick embrace, grabbing her from behind to kiss on her neck etc...It's been almost 4 months since we've shared that kind of love and affection. Anyway, I need to stop. It messes me up reminiscing like that.
I’m doing great at GAL and staying busy. I realized last night when I flipped the tv on in bed that I haven’t sat down to watch TV in weeks. The last show I watched was the S2E2 of Seal Team. The DVR is full of my I watched shows and I’ve realized that it’s because I can’t sit in my chair and relax anymore. It’s one of the physical wedges that I unknowingly put in place. I love that chair and we used to sit in it together occasionally or I’d sometimes move to the couch to sit next to her while we watched a show together. Eventually she quit coming to sit next to me and I reciprocated until we no longer sat next to each other at all. We realized the only shows we have in common now are SWAT and Survivor (family show). She watches a lot of garbage tv (and she fully admits it’s garbage). She says it’s so she doesn’t have to focus on plot lines and just uses it as a tool to escape her head. I re-arranged the furniture about a week ago to try to get the chair out of view of the TV but the way our living room is set up, it just doesn’t work. I can’t sit there comfortably anymore and it’s too awkward to sit on the couch so I just don’t watch TV anymore. Not a bad change but I do miss a couple of my shows. I may have to have a Sunday me day where I’ll go to the basement and binge everything for one lazy day.
I think I need to read up more on detachment and how to apply it in my sitch. With the holidays coming up, I want to spend family time together, but she told me doing so much Halloween stuff together the past couple weeks was a little much for her. We were invited to my Aunt and Uncle’s for Thanksgiving and since we split years with family and this is my year, I asked her to think about what she’d like to do and that we were invited prior to BD. They reached out this week for RSVP’s and I told my W I need to reply but no rush. This was on Tuesday and I sold her I’d like to reply by the end of the week. She told me yesterday that I can reply with a yes which was a bit of a relief because I didn’t want to spend TG away from my kids.
Now I just need to figure out how to maintain a positive family atmosphere while detaching from her.
It’s still always that awkward evening and morning routine where we pass each other in the hallway as we switch kids rooms to tuck them in. There was always a grab of the hand, slap on the butt, hip check, whatever. Sometimes we’d both just stop for a hug and a quick kiss. Now it’s just figuring out who’s going which way so we can take the path that maintains the most distance between us.
An old guy I worked with told me this joke once: "There are three phases of sex in marriage. The first is right after you get married and have sex all over the house. The second is when you have kids and have sex in the bedroom with the door locked. The third is when the kids have moved out and you're older and you pass each other in the hallway and say 'f*** you'" Had forgotten that joke until reading your post, haha! Hopefully you're not there yet!
Quote
Sometimes a “goodbye” or “have a good day” before I leave for work but I think I’m the only one that says that anymore. I usually try to leave when she’s out of the kitchen so I can just sneak out and avoid the awkwardness.
You keep doing you. Don't let her make you second guess who you are. When I was in college I went on a foreign study program and lived with other kids for 6 months. In the mornings I would greet everyone when passing in the hallways or in the classrooms, just "good morning" or "hey how's it going." One time one of them said to me "how can you always be so happy in the mornings, that drives me crazy." After some thought I decided that was HER problem, not mine! If I choose to be happy and polite to others and they don't like it, then they can sit there and stew about it, I'm not going to change who I am. Right? So tell her "good morning", "goodbye", "have a nice day." If she doesn't like it then that's her problem.
Quote
I could be wrong but I think she feels like I pushed her out of the bedroom and she has some resentment. The truth is, I don’t want it to be my room. She’s welcome back in the bed anytime so I don’t want to make her build more resentment and feel like her decision to leave is justified and have no desire to come back.
Yes she probably does resent it. Like I said above, her problem. This isn't about getting her to like you, it's about RESPECT. She may be angry and resentful, but she can't help but respect you when you stand up for yourself.
Originally Posted by Augusto
When this all started, we were both sleeping in different sofas. Then I asked my W to please sleep in the master bedroom, she told me "that's not MY bed". One night I wanted to give her some space and I slept on the floor of the room.
Then I said, what the heck am I doing, and just rearranged the room and slept in my bed. It feels so good, and I don't feel bad at all because I offered and she declined.
GOOD! Even if she didn't decline you have no reason to feel bad about sleeping in your own damn bed though.
I haven’t posted in a few days. I’m still roaming through a range of emotions. I had a great hunting trip with my son (almost 8) and we both had a lot of fun together. I’ve been seeing the same anxiety in my son that my wife has around me. She told me he’s really afraid of disappointing me and is afraid of me getting mad at him. I’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately and talking with him. Last Sunday, after we spent the afternoon together designing and carving his pumpkin, he stood at the top of the stairs before bed just looking at me smiling and I did the same. I saw a look from him that I haven’t seen in a long time. I think he’s seeing the changes I’ve made in my attitude and approach to my family and it was the first time I’ve felt like it’s making an impact. I can’t get the same read off my daughter (9) because we have a great relationship and she’s my biggest fan. Last night she broke my heart as I went in to tuck her in for bed. She’s been sleeping in the guest room for a while now because she doesn’t like her loft and the guest bed is more comfortable. We’ve been trying to re-design her bedroom but she’s having a hard time deciding how she wants it so we haven’t ordered anything for it. When I walked in, she was settling in with a large stuffed dolphin in the middle of the bed. She was left with a sliver of the bed to sleep in. I asked her if she had enough room and she said “not really but mom needs the dolphin between us and I’ve been dealing with it for a week now so I’m getting used to it.” My heartbreak turned to anger because our daughter is suffering because I moved back into our room and my W took over her bed. I was mad at myself at first but it quickly turned to my W because she doesn’t seem to care. If she’s that hell bent on not sleeping in our bed, she has plenty of other options (basement, couch, daughters bed, or even sons top bunk. Part of me wants to find my D a new bed but that feels like I’m helping my W get more comfortable outside our bed. I’m torn right now but my D has to be my #1 priority. Detaching has become easier as I have been staying extremely busy between family (mostly kids) time, house/yard work, and finding time to work on some of my own projects that I’ve been putting off. It’s also easier as I’ve realized that the trust in our R is completely gone. We have different views of trust and I know my wife doesn’t trust that I’m actually changing. I’m fine with that...can’t control it. What I’m struggling with is the fact that I thought I still trusted my W to be completely honest with me but I realize now that I really don’t. I don’t know where her head is these days and she seems to be rather secretive about some things. She had a “free night” on Friday since I had our S and our D was at a sleepover. She never told me what she had planned and I never really asked. I got nervous when I woke up at 5:00 am on Saturday and realized she never texted me that she was home safe. We always text each other to let the other know we made it home safe when one of us is out of town. I decided to check the security cameras to see if her car was in the driveway. It wasn’t. I checked the interior camera and saw the dog sleeping home alone on the stairs which means she probably didn’t eat dinner and wasn’t let out. This all pissed me off. When I got home, she told me she went out with a girlfriend (W of a college buddy who has always been infatuated with my W) who is going through their own M issues. She said she stayed the night there and came home early. I don’t know if I believe her or not. Yesterday I walked into the living room where she was watching TV and texting on her phone. I took a quick glance at the phone as just saw a big “heart” emoji on the screen. I think she saw me glance and quickly switched to the internet page. It very well could have been her cousin that she is in constant communication with, but I don’t know. She’s offered her phone to me in the past and I always refuse because I trust her. I really want to check her phone now just to find out, but I don’t want to give her a chance to clear it. I don’t know her password but my kids do. I don’t want to ask them for it but I don’t know how else to go about it. I’m starting to get frustrated at the absolute lack of progress. She said we need to work on ourselves before we can work on the M, but she’s taken absolutely no initiative to take the first step in any of it. We have no problem talking, joking, laughing, and discussing what the week’s agenda looks like, but any physical closeness ceases to exist. To put it in context, I’ve been having some pain behind my shoulder blade for a couple months now and have mentioned it to her a couple times. The other day I caught a glimpse of my back after a shower and saw a golf all sized knot just off my shoulder blade. Google says this is the result of stress which makes perfect sense. She walked in on me trying to stretch it out and grimacing in pain and asked what’s wrong. She felt the knot for a second and said “that’s not good. You should see a doctor. I’d look it up for you but it’ll just say you have cancer.” She offered to use her roller and tried it for a few minutes but it did nothing so I told her she could stop. Any other day prior to the last month, she would have immediately went to work on it with her hands but now that’s physical touch and she’s not having any of it. How can she act like everything is great when we’re together but can’t stand to be within 2 feet of me physically? It’s making me wonder if this is something that can actually be saved. Am I just wasting my time? I feel like I’m in a much better place to move on without her and maybe I need to start considering this as a viable option.
When you get home, go into the room, put some music on and move the bed to a new location. Put the new sheets and comforter on. Hange the picture. Start sleeping on "her" side of the bed from this point forward.
^^^Savage..
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I have moved my pillows to the center and now sprawl out across the entire bed. She walked in and noticed a couple times (watching TV one night and as I was trying to fall asleep last night) but hasn’t said anything. I completely cleaned my side of the bedroom last night...I mean spotless. Her stuff is still all over the place and I’m thinking about boxing it up and moving it to the closet since I don’t see her taking any initiative to do it herself. I’m starting to care a lot less about how she’ll react and I’m done waiting for her to start caring about these things because she’s moving in the wrong direction and becoming more neglectful of even meaningful things so how can I expect her to care about the little things?
God what a mind f%#* today has been. I came home frustrated with my 2nd IC session because I think I have to start my search over. Just not vibing with her. Both sessions have included 10 minutes on the benefits of yoga (she teaches classes so I’ve learned). I did the quick math and realized I’ve paid her over $30 to give me sales pitches on yoga. Today was a lot of repeating myself and I walked away more frustrated than when I walked in. I’ll start looking again tomorrow.
My wife was outside “getting her steps in” while still on a work call when I got home and I just went to work emptying the dishwasher and taking the garbage out. I stepped out to the garage to take the recycling out just as she was heading back in (still on her call). I stepped aside so she could pass and she gave what I call her “happy wave” to me and reached out and touched my arm as she walked by. That’s the first time she’s voluntarily touched me in nearly a month! I know better than to read too much into it but it blew my mind. If nothing else, it took my confidence up a notch. There may be some drops of water rolling down her walls of ice.
I‘ve been reading up some more on how to implement loving detachment in my sitch. *Remember that I’ve been quite detached (in the completely wrong way) from our M for quite some time now and I’m trying to change the “same old” routine.
The things I think I’ve been doing right: I’ve haven’t initiated any conversation unless it’s relevant to everyday life. When we find ourselves in the same room and she initiates conversation I walk away as soon as there’s a brief pause. I haven’t initiated any texts, but always reply, and try not to be the last to reply. I keep myself busy all the time and can move throughout the house confidently and casually as though she’s not even there. Spend the quality family time at dinner and help the kids with homework and school projects then disappear for a while and read, watch tv, work out, etc. Come back near bed time and then make myself scarce again once they’re tucked in.
The things I think I need to work on: -Don’t overdo the housework. Don’t take on more than I can handle as a regular routine. Do the dishes every night that she cooks but only do kids laundry every other week. -Don’t come across as needy. My shoulder is killing me and I need to suck it up and not show weakness. I don’t need her sympathy so don’t give her the opportunity to decide whether or not she wants to show it. -Always keep a positive attitude. Acknowledge issues but offer solutions. *Tonight W told me she has to travel for work on my busiest week of the year. I said that’s my hell week at work and it’s usually long hours (as she knows) but I’ll flip my daily schedule so that I’m doing project prep work while I’m there and then come home and log back on after the kids go to bed to do my daily work. -GAL. While I’ve been staying busy at home, I need to get out more during the week. Even if just one night a week. *I packed my range bag tonight so I can drop off after work tomorrow and try out a couple new guns I haven’t had a chance to shoot yet. *W invited me to a family wedding on Saturday a couple hours away. Her cousin and her H are hosting a knife throwing tournament that night so I kindly declined the wedding invite. She’s not happy she has to miss it but it was a nice feeling to have no desire to spend this Saturday with my wife haha!
I’m starting to have fun on my own and able to forget about the sitch here and there. I’m starting to really like the changes I’m making. At this point, I just need to maintain consistency and keep faith that I can withstand the time.
I forgot one for the things I’m doing right: - Be decisive. *Yesterday W was trying to figure out how to manage grocery shopping (she hates doing it with the kids) and going to JOAnne fabrics for school project supplies (kids have to be there to pick stuff out). I told her to give me a list of supplies and I’ll take the kids so she can go grocery shopping. She shot me a look and said “really? You’ve never even been to JoAnnes, have no idea what you’re in for taking them and you’re volunteering for this?” I said “I have an idea of what I’m in for but may be underestimating it. What do we need?” *Tonight she couldn’t decide between breakfast burritos or meatball sandwiches for dinner. She used to ask me but I never gave her an answer. Tonight I didn’t wait for her to ask and just answered “breakfast burritos” and she just said “cool” and started in on it. We talked a bit while she was prepping and once it got quiet, I disappeared.
