Set a schedule with the kids. Don't let her constantly reconvene regularly scheduled days to suit her GAL and new single life. They all do this. They make all these plans with the GF's GGW, events concerts, happy hour, wine tasting etc. and expect you to rearrange you're schedule for them because "They planned it in advance" without giving you due notice, and will try and place it on you and sometimes even guilt you into wanting to see your kids so they can go socialize. Just make sure there is an even exchange of reciprocity. Make plans yourself weeks out. See if it conflicts with the days you have the kids, and test the waters to see if she will exchange evenly, like for like if she wants to swap out days. Dont allow her to cake eat on this, and don't enable her for nothing every time she wants to to GALavanting without you.
She should feel some of the hardship of the choices she is making. Not to be punitive, but fully realized accept the consequences of her actions. Financially, emotionally. socially, etc.. You are not her lap dog to baby sit every time she wants to go out and socialize. Get even reciprocity with this and set some boundaries and solid communications that you will not change your plans or days with the kids, unless you are given notice well in advance. At least 2 to 3 weeks in advanced, and make sure you get an equal swap for those days in writing. Otherwise they will keep asking you last minute to drop your plans to watch the kids, while they get to go out with friends and potentialy pursue other people.
Thanks IHCLACS That gives me some clarity, it's clear to me that she is wrapped up in self at the moment and there remains an expectation that I should be watching the kids when she wants to socialise.
Fact remains she would never have made all these new friends or tasted this new freedom if I hadn't been at home watching the kids.
Tonight I picked up my daughter as wife took car into garage. I told my wife I could do this as I wouldn't be going out til later. Gave no details ( as I didn't actually have any plans)
When she returned she was super reserved and cold. Almost an unspoken silence about her party.
I just refused to ask her about it and maintained a positive attitude towards the kids.
She strangely offered me dinner at the same time the atmosphere was that I was not welcome.
Daughter made a scene about me leaving and wife asked if I would stay an extra 30mins to put her to bed.
While I put my daughter to bed, wife starts calling that she couldn't find her chip and pin reader for our business account.
Without saying so directly she sure as he'll was blaming me for her not being able to find it.
She stomped and moaned for a good 20 mins, but I didn't bite, didn't try and defend myself and kept positive in offering to help her find it.
This seemed to rile her more but I persevered until I left.
10 mins later she texted to apologise for losing her temper, said it was likely her that misplaced it.
I responded "No worries, know it's frustrating , when I get back to the studio later I'll have another look and let you know"
Gotta say it does feel good when not biting or letting her mood dictate mine.
Boy it does take a lot of effort tho , and a need to stay mentally present throughout every interaction.
Last night 30mins after previous text I received another message saying our daughter was really distraught and missing me. I stated that sounded tough and asked what i could do
She stated that daughter would like me to take her to school in the morning ( This felt almost like an invitation to stay over) So I composed myself and replied that I could cycle over early and take her into school.
So that's what i did this morning, after dropping her off I went back to the family home to pick up my bag and bike.
Had a cup of tea, before leaving and wife started talking about her party, and how good it was to have friends that were genuine, that despite all going through hardships they could all just laugh and be silly together.
I validated that this was good.
She then started talking about the local social scene and how open and genuine the scene was.
She carried on talking about how much was going on locally
This is all sort of a sore point for me as over the last 6 months before BD she was going out more and more and I feel she intentionally kept me seperate from this part of her life.
On some level I feel she was ashamed of me. And I felt like asking her today if she had felt ashamed.
Luckily I didn't but I do feel I screwed up by saying that I had wanted to go out with her more and that I had missed going out together.
This was stupid of me.
She stated I hadn't wanted to enough, that it had fell on her to arrange sitters etc. She went on to say that , that stuffs all in the past now, all the if only's and buts are gone.
That it was an unhappy place and that the changes in me being more open and going out wouldn't have happened with out the seperation.
She then stated that I would be happier and in a better place for it.
I didn't say much ,just tried to keep eye contact and nodded.
I did say I realised some change had to happen.
So because of that foolish interaction I feel she has recomposed herself and appears surer than ever.
I know this is early days and I would be a fool to think I could change her mind.
Going to have to see her throughout the day due to Halloween etc. She's back to offering to help transport my belongings etc.
Yeah these are interactions that happen all the time to the LBS. That is why we always advise to listen and validate. The LBS always falls into the trap that is they just say that magical sentence it will get WW to second guess her choice. However in reality it just reassures the WW that you are still on the hook as plan B and they have time to explore other options.
You will see changes when she starts to wonder about where you stand.
It's OK to help with your D but the long convos need to stop. Have a brief convo, then excuse yourself and leave. Always be the first to end convos and first to leave!
Just received a call from wife as to who was picking daughter up. I replied we hadn't discussed it today.
She says I should as she has been getting everything ready. Pick up is in 10mins time, I told her I was just dealing with something but would see them all at home in an hour.
Wife then starts to say that she feels she has done everything in getting ready for Halloween and over the last few weeks. That she knew I was busy at work but that I could have done more at home.
(This is the home I have been kicked out of and been made clear it makes her uncomfortable when I'm there)
So I just validated, she paused to say something else, felt like she was looking for an argument. Not biting.
I 'll go round offer to help with anything I can and then keep my focus on the kids.
Yeah to be honest I do, didn't to start with, but with shared business and kids I have been recently and definitely a temptation to jump when she does.
