So we ended up cleaning the rental unit for a few hours together... afterwards, we grabbed dinner and drinks. As usual, the discussion is cordial - she talked about work and weekend activities, and leaves AP out of the discussion even though I'm fairly certain they are hanging out. I mentioned that I was out of town last weekend and kept it real vague. She got really curious and asked a lot of question about with who and why? I just said by myself and planning / training for an upcoming adventure trip, but not confirmed so don't want to give any details yet.
I feel 2x4 coming... :P I did ask her if she had any further thoughts from our discussion 2 weeks ago... (recap: she mentioned moving back home and working on MR, but I rejected the idea because her was still in contact with AP at work and told her that we really can't work on MR until there is no AP involved)
She replied she hasn't thought about it much due to being sick (even though she's gone out on weekends), but she says that I seem like I've moved on due to my GAL, rejection of her idea to move back in, and not reaching out / non-responsiveness to her texts. She says that I come off like I can take it or leave it. I kind of shrugged at her comments, and reminded her that she chose to move out and reiterated that we can't work on MR until AP is out of the picture. It kind of ended with that, still in limbo - I have a strong suspicion that she moved in with AP now anyways.
I did some validation / acknowledged when she talked about how I dismissed her feeling before. She also acknowledged that she took me and my presence for granted in the MR before.
Question... based on her actions and what she said, do I continue NC and slow play?
My guess is she just said those things to justify her current actions, looking to temp check her Plan-B, and trying to cake eat.
Anyways, not too emotional today - doing a better job of detaching. The lies kind of bother me... but not as bad when you expect it.
Question... based on her actions and what she said, do I continue NC and slow play?
I have seen LBH's scrutinize every little thing their WW says and does, looking for a sign that tells them they (the LBH) can stop the NC or other things that may be on their plan of action. The hard truth is that many LBH's struggle with NC more than the WW. To answer your question,......... don't initiate contact with your WW. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "slow play".
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So we ended up cleaning the rental unit for a few hours together... afterwards, we grabbed dinner and drinks.
Be honest with yourself about why you went to dinner with her. Here's the thing. She left you for another man and you suspect she has moved in with him, so why would you go to dinner and drinks with her? From the standpoint of the betrayed H, whenever the work was over with cleaning the rental, then you should have gone your separate way. Even if she invited or suggested dinner/drinks, you should not have accepted. Don't compromise with the one who is openly disrespecting you. You have nothing to discuss over dinner/drinks as long as she is sleeping with another guy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Question... based on her actions and what she said, do I continue NC and slow play?
I have seen LBH's scrutinize every little thing their WW says and does, looking for a sign that tells them they (the LBH) can stop the NC or other things that may be on their plan of action. The hard truth is that many LBH's struggle with NC more than the WW. To answer your question,......... don't initiate contact with your WW. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "slow play".
I don't initiate. I guess "slow play" meaning eventually reply to her text - several hours, next day? I've been ignoring some text and not even responding if it wasn't necessary / "business" related.
Originally Posted by sandi2
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So we ended up cleaning the rental unit for a few hours together... afterwards, we grabbed dinner and drinks.
Be honest with yourself about why you went to dinner with her. Here's the thing. She left you for another man and you suspect she has moved in with him, so why would you go to dinner and drinks with her? From the standpoint of the betrayed H, whenever the work was over with cleaning the rental, then you should have gone your separate way. Even if she invited or suggested dinner/drinks, you should not have accepted. Don't compromise with the one who is openly disrespecting you. You have nothing to discuss over dinner/drinks as long as she is sleeping with another guy.
Just been a habit, whenever we meet, we end up grabbing food. I'll decline next time.
Do I clearly state that we have nothing to talk about while AP is involved? Or just politely decline saying I have something else to do, without providing her the reason being AP is involved.
I just feel like we should have regular checkpoints to see where we stand? Or if anything changed in either direction of limbo.
I'm just a bit confused how I will ever give the impression that I have moved on if we are legally still married with assets tied together.
What part of NC includes dinners and drinks? Did you pay?
You made the a strong statement regarding not working on relationship with third party involved. When you ask her if she has thought about what you discuss it negates the strong statement and displays low value.
Not sure what you mean by slow play it but I get the impression that you are working under the illusion of action and are trying to compete with the OM. Unfortunately the more you pursue the more you will suffer.
I would go back to the basics and start with Sandis 37 rules.
What part of NC includes dinners and drinks? Did you pay?
Yes, I paid... out of habit. She's still putting in her part of the monthly shared housing + utility payments, even though she's not living there right now. I had to ask her if this is fair, and how long she plans on keeping this up. I guess ultimately that might all come out of the same pocket if we D.
Originally Posted by LH19
Not sure what you mean by slow play it but I get the impression that you are working under the illusion of action and are trying to compete with the OM. Unfortunately the more you pursue the more you will suffer.
"slow play" meaning eventually reply to her text - several hours, next day. Since she said that I completely ignore some of her non-business texts when she reaches out.
Did you ever have that friend who at a bar would buy a woman all her drinks and at the end of the night she would leave with another man? That is where you are at right now. I hate to tell you this but they probably got a good laugh about it later on.
You should ignore her non business texts she is living with another man.
There are no tricks, techniques that are going to make her think you moved on. Until you realize that this is BS you will continue to suffer.
Sorry man I know it’s hard but that is the reality you’ve living.
Let’s play on the scenario here. What are you trying to accomplish with a confrontation?
What are my options...
1. Nice guy 2. Passive aggressive - ignore her 3. Confrontational a hole
I'm having trouble figuring out where I should be DB-ing... my guess is somewhere between 2-3?
I keep thinking that I should tell her why I'm choosing to not deal with her, but I guess it makes no difference whether they are living together, or just working together. EA is EA is EA... doesn't matter the details / severity of the situation.
