Married 28 years, 3 teenagers He moved out 7 months ago Both got new places to live 3 weeks ago.
I've been NC for 3 months. Sometimes I want to give up because changing is too hard (I'm the reason he left). I'm not tired or anything, I'm not in limbo and most of the time I feel fine. I've changed just enough to get by. If he came back he'd just leave again because what I've done isn't enough. I come here looking for that push to not give up, to have hope while detaching, while moving on, etc. What I want is to have the mind set of if I give up I'm guaranteeing I won't ever reconcile.
I work in a small(ish) office of women. Most of the woman initiated divorces (for good reasons I might add) but some were left. 67% of the husbands that left came back. None of the women (they'd moved on) took them back but still.
We all give advice based on our own perspective. Quite a few of the old timers here give hope because they've either experienced it or seen it. I've been on boards where people didn't like me (divorce) and I got lynched. I'd hear I didn't deserve another chance. Some though were kind and said they'd be inclined to give someone like me another chance if I worked hard enough over a long period of time.
In real life it depends on who I'm talking to. Some women say "they (men) always come back" because that was their experience. Other women say "give up" because when they left they were done. My boss, a man, has hope for me (he knows my WAH).
The changes you make are for you, not to bring your h back. The changes you make have to become permanent and you have to be happy w/them.
You have to remember...no matter what you change and/or do, it will never be enough for him at the moment. You could say the sky is purple and he would say it is pink. He's just not a happy camper and until he comes to realize that happiness comes from within, he'll remain an unhappy camper looking for that pot of gold.
Continue detaching, make a list of the things that you've put on the back burner for quite some time and do them one by one. Pick up some new hobbies, take a day trip, weekend trip or a trip just to get away for a bit. This is your time to rediscover the kas you were before marrying him.
No matter if he returns, you and your h will not be the same people because life has stepped in changed the way you both have grown during this time. The marriage would be a new one for both of you.
You will know what you want to do when the time is right. Don't base your decision on what has happened in your office.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've also read lots of WAS's actual stories (other boards) and time and time again they say they want the LBS to change for themselves. I see their point if you change for someone else the chances of it being permanent are slim.
Beyond not lasting, if you silently change for someone else, there's a higher chance of resentment. You run the danger of a covert contract, something NMMNG advocates frequently warn about. If your marriage is failing because you rarely listen and don't keep the house up to their standards--fix the listening. Pick the change that would be a positive one in your life that you'd want to make regardless of whether they return to your life or not. You'll resent keeping the house up to their standards if they don't decide to return.
(If they do return, you can always work out an explicit contract where they get more of what they want--e.g., house to their standards--in return for them putting in more of that effort or doing things for you!)
You have to remember...no matter what you change and/or do, it will never be enough for him at the moment.
This I get.
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He's just not a happy camper and until he comes to realize that happiness comes from within, he'll remain an unhappy camper looking for that pot of gold.
Get this too. We used to have these conversations that went nowhere because he was convinced that he'd be happy if he were more successful. He got passed over yet again for a promotion and left a couple of months later.
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This is your time to rediscover the kas you were before marrying him.
I remember who I was and I miss that person. Not all of it obviously.
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No matter if he returns, you and your h will not be the same people because life has stepped in changed the way you both have grown during this time. The marriage would be a new one for both of you.
My kids say both of us are unrecognizable. They miss the old him and like the new me. He hasn't grown (yet) but it's only been 7 months.
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You will know what you want to do when the time is right. Don't base your decision on what has happened in your office.
I did for a while but I've pretty much stopped talking about it now. My boss asks because he's bored. lol
Beyond not lasting, if you silently change for someone else, there's a higher chance of resentment. You run the danger of a covert contract, something NMMNG advocates frequently warn about. If your marriage is failing because you rarely listen and don't keep the house up to their standards--fix the listening. Pick the change that would be a positive one in your life that you'd want to make regardless of whether they return to your life or not.
Yes I made these mistakes however I did learn because he's not here. Any change I make whether it's for him or not is for me because he's not here. Did you follow that? lol
Let me give you an example and you already heard it. I couldn't be alone so right after WAH left I started talking to OM. If WAH found out about it my chances to reconcile would go to zero. Do you have any idea how hard it was to let that guy go? He walked away first but I knew he'd be back (he kept coming back). I deleted and blocked all of his info. I then met another guy before realizing I had a HUGE problem. I stopped for WAH but it ended up being for me. I'm VERY happy not needing a man right now.
Another example yes I kept the house spotless after he left but his actual complaint was something else entirely. That complaint has not been fixed btw.
Hope gets me going and keeps me going for a few months but then it evolves. I need the hope as a starter, a push, an inspiration and if I stick to it real change happens and it's for me then.
The actual complaint was my neediness. I wanted attention, couldn't be alone so when WAH left I just found a band aid aka another man. I didn't fix the problem.
On the housework the actual complaint was me not helping him enough. I'm an overachiever so at one time my house was clean, I cooked great meals, baked, hosted play dates and was room mother/PTO board member. I fell into a deep depression some years back and never fully recovered. <should probably do some soul searching on this>
I'm fortunate in that I get to be NC (it really does help) with WAH and fortunate to have 2 of my kids with me full time. Yes I will email him if there is something he needs to know.
I'm doing okay considering I lost my best friend of 30 years. I post here mostly as a journal and if I get responses then that's even better.
On the housework the actual complaint was me not helping him enough. I'm an overachiever so at one time my house was clean, I cooked great meals, baked, hosted play dates and was room mother/PTO board member. I fell into a deep depression some years back and never fully recovered. <should probably do some soul searching on this>
Maybe at least some of your codependent tendencies stem from perfectionism, too? It sounds like you flipped from Martha Stewart Housekeeping into.. ugh.. is that another load of dishes?! I wonder if you also struggle with self-compassionate when you make errors--like leaving dishes out causing the ants to visit.
Originally Posted by kas99
I'm doing okay considering I lost my best friend of 30 years.
Definitely! 30 years is a long, long relationship to adjust to losing.
