I know that I need to GAL for me but I don't know how. The closest I can even remotely come is doing this for my kids. If I fail I will lose them. I don't want to lose them.
I currently have two types of GAL activity: (1) Mindless fun, such as playing a video game my son enjoys too for 10-15 minutes/day and (2) Activities that align with my goals such as seeing the top 100 movies in a particular subgenre or getting my physical fitness up enough to lead certain expeditions I'm excited about. I still struggle with GAL, so take this with a grain of salt. It ain't easy when you're just getting started!
There are people that start (and complete) the divorce process in a timely manner. The majority of this group wanted out for years or there is a 3rd party. The rest for one reason or another aren't willing or able to do anything permanent. This group will end up reconciling or divorcing within 2-3 years.
My WAH was in the first category until he realized it wasn't going to go like he thought it would. His theoretical S/D is now a reality. He's either regrouping, indecisive, or will wait until he meets someone else.
Sometimes to find motivation I play these mind games with myself. When he first left I was in dreaded limbo but knew it would end when the lease was up and I was right. I pulled it together and DB like crazy for those 6 months. I lost motivation once limbo ended.
I have now moved onto to the next phase of which I have no official name for. It's not limbo (in my mind) but it's not D either. For this I might try a new mind game. This phase will end in a predictable time as well - a good guess is 6-24 months. The beauty of this is I should be largely over him by then so this pain I feel will end. I can DB like crazy for ME now with the peace knowing that regardless of what happens I will be okay. Make sense?
I'm seriously struggling right now so I'm scrambling to get a handle on my thoughts. There is nothing I can do to make WAH want to reconcile. What I can do is become the best version of myself. I feel weak for needing him as motivation to change but I know as long as I stick with it for at least 4 months it will stick I've seen it stick after 4 months. When I first got in shape my motivation was external but after 4 months I felt so good that I kept going for me.
I believe the same thing will happen now if I believe I have a chance. The limbo I was in before I didn't get to 4 months before it ended. I was DB like crazy yes but not at first. It took me a few months just to be able to eat/sleep normally. He cancelled the lease not long after. Limbo ended and my (short term) motivation went with it.
Following the same principle it means I have a small window of opportunity to kick start change that lasts. I need to believe that until he files it's not over and I need to believe it quickly.
Worst case scenario is he's regrouping. He just moved and from what I'm hearing is struggling financially. He's working 80 hours a week to pay deposits (2 places), rent (2 places), appliances (his place), D17's hospital bills, etc. I figure since he's at a big box store (2nd job) he will ride out the holidays. 2 months and no time to file.
I'm also hearing he's drinking heavily, working too much to sleep, eats out all the time (costly), and what little spare time he has he spends it with D14 and S19 (he was out of their lives for 7 months). Filing for D is tedious, there's all this paperwork, and since I'm already out of his life physically surely this buys me at least another 2 months. I don't think there is a 3rd party but if there is he still won't have time to D for at least a few months.
I feel like I'm writing a term paper. lol Debating all the ways it benefits me to believe in miracles for at least 4 months. I need to believe I still have a chance. I believe he's done which is why I come here for hope, just a little so I don't give up not yet. I need a little push to keep going and I pray someone here understands this.
I'm 7 months out. If I were a year out out asking for hope then maybe I'd need some sense knocked into me. I'm not delusional I know my odds aren't good. I'm not in limbo and I'm 100% NC.
If/when I get served it will be a setback whether I'm prepared for it or not. I don't think there is anyway to prepare for that. I do believe I will bounce back way faster than I did when he first walked out. I think the worst of this is behind me given the work I've already done and I'm NC. Even if I "give up" it just means any reconciliation attempts will fail and I'm not stupid. If given that chance there is no way I'd put myself through this again if I knew I hadn't changed (a lot), if I hadn't detached, if I hadn't healed. No matter how tempted I was I'd have to remind myself that I'd be willingly walking into the lions den unarmed and unprepared.
During this process I've learned I have more self respect than I thought I had and I have built on that. If I had healed and he came back I'd take it slow yes but if I felt like he still held a grudge I'd back away. I cannot, will not do this again.
A month ago I reached out to my estranged mother of 20 years. Within 2 days of emailing back and forth I knew I cared more than she did. It was in that moment that I knew I was getting stronger. I was needy yes but within a few hours I came to my senses and cut her off before she could do any damage. I'm very proud of how I handled that.
I was thinking about this question (again) while I was at lunch. The counselor that runs my trauma group has overcome so much but she stopped just short of what she could have accomplished healing wise. My own sister and her adult daughter did the same. Pain causes people to change. These people stopped healing when their pain was gone enough to get back to their regularly scheduled lives . To heal more they'd have to willingly put themselves through MORE PAIN and who the heck wants to do that??
This is where I am. I've changed plenty but to level up I'm going to have to deliberately do painful things. Had I changed sooner he'd be happy with where I am. Now? I'm going to have to level up.
The counselor that runs my trauma group has overcome so much but she stopped just short of what she could have accomplished healing wise. My own sister and her adult daughter did the same.
Hi Kas, in your estimation, how should one determine when they've healed enough?
Originally Posted by "kas99"
Pain causes people to change.
What about pleasure? My partner says she loves my body the way it is. No BreakupDiet(tm) for me! Can I push myself to go to the gym dreaming of future adventures I could do if I were fitter, rewarding myself with an audiobook during, and rewarding myself with coffee after? At some point habits and a positive feedback loop should kick in. I've found good gym partners and classes help with consistency, too!
On my phone so hard to type. CW I’m going to have to think about your very good questions.
To the vets am I better off accepting that he’s not coming back? It’s kind of where I’m at anyway (this changes I know) I am afraid of losing the kids to him. He continues to try and get S19 to live with him and if I fall apart D17 will be forced to depend on him too. He’s expecting me to fall apart so he can take my kids away from me.
Hi Kas, in your estimation, how should one determine when they've healed enough?
My dr says if I can hold down a job and take care of my kids (and me) then I have healed enough. I agree with her assessment of me so this is my baseline. I then slowly add things one by one until I start feeling bad. Assuming the last thing I added is healthy I must now make a choice back up, heal more or take something else off the list.
What about pleasure? My partner says she loves my body the way it is. No BreakupDiet(tm) for me! Can I push myself to go to the gym dreaming of future adventures I could do if I were fitter, rewarding myself with an audiobook during, and rewarding myself with coffee after? At some point habits and a positive feedback loop should kick in. I've found good gym partners and classes help with consistency, too!
Ah CW you're talking about normal change that normal people strive for. The type of change I'm talking about is healing from childhood trauma which is painful. Childhood trauma leads to relationship problems which is why I'm here, why my H left. The meds have given me the mental strength to do the work but its still painful.
My kitchen has ants. As long as I stay on top of the dishes I only see an ant or two. Today they showed up in the bathroom and S19 (aspergers) got upset. I scrubbed the bathroom with bleach and promised I’d call an exterminator if necessary. He says the bathroom needs re caulking . Fine I’ll get you a tube. He says WAH has a caulk gun and will show him how to use it. Great, I say sincerely thinking this is the end of it.
Nope. WAH will pay for an exterminator. Oh wait he will caulk the bathroom first while I’m at work then if that doesn’t work he will hire an exterminator. This isn’t the first time WAH has offered to do something here. I think not seeing where his kids live bothers him.
I thought you know what I don’t even care. Caulk my bathroom, come see my house, satisfy your curiosity then leave. As long as S19 is here I’m not going to be able to keep WAH out forever without coming across as a bitter shrew. Let’s just rip off the bandaid and get it over with maybe then he will see that my house is nothing like his (he thinks it is). Oh won’t he be surprised to see how we live now.
Here’s where I’ve grown I’m not fully unpacked yet. Nope got bags and boxes in the living room. The old me would stay up all night making it look perfect. The new me doesn’t give a crap. I’ll shut my bedroom door but that’s it.
