I’m starting to have fun on my own and able to forget about the sitch here and there. I’m starting to really like the changes I’m making. At this point, I just need to maintain consistency and keep faith that I can withstand the time.
That's great man! I'm still falling in and out of a depressed state. Some days I feel strong, some weak -you know the deal. During work, i've been able to hold it together a bit better, but last Saturday I was home alone as the W went to work, and my S spent some time with his cousins. Being alone at home is torture for me. I need to figure something else out for the weekends. Maybe I'll go on a weekend climbing trip with my son and some buddies.
What else is hard is that my W has been working late 3 nights a week, this last time she worked and texted that she'll be having drinks with her friends. I end up not being able to sleep when she's not home (of course my insecurities get to me). when i do finally sleep, she comes home and then wakes me up- then I have to restart the process of falling asleep. Looking at going to the doc for some sleep meds
BD was on 10/8 when my W told me she’s unhappy in our M and has been for years. I too have been unhappy for just as long. We’ve tried working things out about every 6 months for the past 2 years but nothing ever changed. This time was different and she told me she’s done trying and not sure she wants to be married to me anymore. I made all the common mistakes to try anything to keep her from leaving me until I found this community and started buying into the advice found here.
I’ve decided to start a new thread because I’m in a different place now than when I first posted. My first thread is all over the place much like my emotions the past few weeks. Im no longer questioning where I stand, but instead I’m letting go of the questions I can’t answer for myself. I may or may not ever find those answers, so for now, there’s no point in letting them control me. I’m finding myself and learning that detachment, applied appropriately, does work; not only for my M, but for myself too. I’ve been so consumed with my R with my WAW, that I wasn’t truly focusing on myself...until now.
A lot of things have come to light the past few days and I’ve gained some clarity as to what I need to do, how to do it, and most importantly; why I’m doing it.
What I need to do: -Lovingly detach from my WAW. -GAL -Stay positive -Continue to implement permanent and sustainable 180’s
How do I do it: -Do not continue to be absent in the R, but detach from trying to initiate ANYTHING with my W. Be present when I need to be, communicate positively and concisely and then fade away to find something to keep me busy and give her space. -Get our more. Accept more invites. Find new hobbies. -Change how I react to certain situations. First recognize the negative reaction I would usually have and consciously change it to break the cycle. -Don’t overcompensate for lost time. That’s in the past and cannot be changed. Focus first on little things I can change on a daily basis until it just becomes part of who I am and my daily routine. Make some big changes too but ensure it’s sustainable. W is looking for a backwards step to indicate I’m falling back into my old ways. It’s what she’s expecting. Break that cycle!
Why am I doing it: For me. Find my own happiness and independence. Realize I can live my own life and if my W chooses to continue to be a part of it, then I’ve won! If she decides she needs to leave, I still win because I’ll be happy with myself either way and I’ll be ready to start a new life on my own.
Last edited by job; 11/06/1905:18 PM. Reason: Merged two threads together.
I had my 2nd IC session yesterday and am not so impressed as of yet. I’ve decided to give it one more shot next week before I start searching for a new IC
W is still staying in the guest room since I took my bed back a little over a week ago. (I spent 4 nights in a hotel and then a couple weeks in the basement when I came home)
W touched my arm yesterday as she walked by. It’s the first time she’s initiated any physical contact since we hugged a couple times when we agreed we’d both work on ourselves to see if there’s any hope for the M; nearly a month ago.
This morning, we had a quick, confusing, but funny convo about who’s ear buds are who’s. We were confusing each other and both just stopped and laughed. I had one foot out the door when she walked up and gave me a hug.
-This has proven to me that a single person can make changes that can impact the entire family (W included). I have never been a morning person and pre BD, I could easily leave the house with minimal energy and talking every morning. I’ve been waking up an hour earlier for the past few weeks to work out and by the time I’m ready to leave for work, I have more energy and am in such a better mood. It’s changed the entire family dynamic in the morning and it feels great.
Awesome update JR! In IC no not settle. Nothing wrong with shopping around for an IC that is best for you. You will know when you have a good fit. I'm supportive of giving the current IC one more shot. The important thing is not to give up. I've seen too many posters just write off IC totally because they had a bad C, there are good ones out there and it is worthwhile continuing to look until you find one!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I find IC to be a nice supplement to my self-improvement, but not the primary driver. DB forums, reading, meditation, exercise, and general PMA/GAL have all contributed just as strongly.
Also, not sure this is the case for you, but I used to take a passive approach and "trust the process" with IC. I've learned that it's up to me to steer the direction I want things to go. I'm much more satisfied with counseling now because I go into sessions with an agenda of what I want to tackle.
Awesome update JR! In IC no not settle. Nothing wrong with shopping around for an IC that is best for you. You will know when you have a good fit. I'm supportive of giving the current IC one more shot. The important thing is not to give up. I've seen too many posters just write off IC totally because they had a bad C, there are good ones out there and it is worthwhile continuing to look until you find one!
Thank you Steve. I was ready to start searching today, but I’ve already invested time and money with this C and want to give it one more chance. I understand the importance of sleep, diet, and exercise but that’s all the feedback I’ve received so far. Too much focus on the past few weeks and no acknowledgment of the changes I’ve implemented since then. Yoga does not interest me but I considered it after the first session. After another 10 minute sled pitch on her yoga class yesterday during “my time”, I’m now completely turned off to it. I’m ready to dig into some real issues and if it doesn’t start happening in session 3, it’ll be time to move on.
Another break through today! W called/texted me to let me know the dogs meds were ready for pick up if I wanted to stop by on my way home from work. I was already just down the street voting and didn’t want to go back out so I just went home and told her I’ll pick them up tomorrow. She said she’s exhausted and not up for cooking so she’d run out and grab the meds and dinner but wasn’t sure what to get. Old me: “whatever sounds good to you”. Instead I said “why don’t we call in a pick up order to this great Italian place right around the corner from the vet?” Kids went nuts (9D loves pasta and 7S will eat pizza 3 times a day) and she pulled up the menu and placed the order. She seemed happy just to not have to think about it.
After dinner we talked for a couple minutes and couldn’t believe how exhausted we both were so early. She mentioned watching a tv show together tonight and I asked if we could table it for another night so we could both get some sleep. She agreed. We have one show that we have in common and we’ve been saving the new episodes on DVR so we could eventually watch them together. Just the fact that she wants to spend an hour together fills me with hope.
If this would have happened a week ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity but now that I’m in full on detachment mode, it felt great to entertain the offer but decline for the night...and actually mean it! Of course I want to spend time with my W but #1.) I’m tired and want to sleep. #2.) I don’t want her thinking I’m going to be her puppy and right at her feet when she’s ready to spend time with me.
I’m extremely encouraged with the several small signs of progress over the past couple days but still need to take everything with a grain of salt and continue to detach. The more I think about it, I’m now beginning to realize the magnitude of detachment and GAL and how it’s the quick fix to implement immediate change, but these are things I will need to continue for the rest of my life; whether married or not.
I’ve made my W laugh the past two mornings. No hug today, but a laugh may be even better. I’m in such a better mood all the time now and while it started as me faking it, it’s now become very real and more natural. I’m still working on establishing a new daily routine but 3+ weeks of consistency in my 180’s is giving me confidence that I can make them permanent. I’m fighting off the cold that my W is getting over (funny how I could avoid catching them when we had a physical R but I haven’t kissed her in over a month and now I catch it). I woke up this morning and almost convinced myself to stay in bed rather than get up and work out. Then I realized that was the old me trying to convince myself that skipping one day is ok. Then it turns into 2 and so on. The new me won and I forced myself out of bed! Change the old ways of thinking and make the 180’s permanent.
