I think I'm going to pass on going. It's quite likely that if I don't go she won't take him. I think it has more to do with her not knowing how to spend time with him and it's just easier for her if I'm there.
I think given the circumstances I will go for as much custody as I can. I'll also leave that open to changing if she starts showing responsibility and consistency as a parent. I don't think I mentioned this but after our last talk about custody she even agreed that we would stick to the status quo until she gets going on her counseling and sees they psychiatrist. He has been low on her priority list for the past 10 months. Why should I expect that to just change all of a sudden when she hasn't done any work on herself? I'm a little concerned she'll find some other new shiny thing a few months later that will get her interest more than her son.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
"Thanks for the invite but I'm going to pass on going to the aquarium. You should have a nice day with son."
I just don't feel right going at this point. I'm either not detached enough or I just don't want to do family things in the future if we aren't a family. I'm honestly not sure but it's probably a bit of both reasons.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I don't understand my W. I'm off to Florida tomorrow for two weeks to visit family with my son.
Tonight when I came home (it's her night with our son) she stayed around for an extra 5-10 minutes. Just small talk. But when she left she gave me a hug and said : "say hi to everyone for me".
Does she not understand that our family isn't too pleased with how she's acted during all this? They don't know all the details but they know enough to know she basically walked out with no effort and hasn't been a great mom to our son. Anyways, it's just confusing.
We had a bit of a cry together last week as she was reading to our son. She looked way more engaged with him than she has for the past 10 months and I mentioned that I was happy to see her enjoying her time with him but it also made me wonder where that person has been...that's when she started to tear up.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Amen to this. My W wants a D but wants to stay “friends” and to “co-parent.” Small talk when I got home tonight. Is she cycling in and out of her fog, or his this just her new, permanent normal? Crazy stuff. Hang in there, Jac!
How you doing buddy? I'm sorry but I'm not wholly familiar with your sitch. Isnt it tough when emotions creep in and there's tears.
Sounds like your W returned from the fog momentarily with the emotions and chit chat. I'd avoid comments to her like 'wonder where this person has been'. I know its so tempting though when you see them that way, isnt it.
I recently read up on 'compartmentalisation'. It may go someway toward explaining these behaviours.
I know its confusing! Its so confusing. Its emotional, and sometimes that just doesnt make sense. Heck, it still doesnt make sense to me, even though I know its to do with the W emotional crisis. There's no answer, and I think us blokes find that hard to comprehend.
Good luck Jac. Keep detaching and keep being the lighthouse. Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Thanks guys - I know there is no rhyme or reason to it. At times I'm so incredulous as to how unaware my W seems of the situation she's put us all in.
Par for the course.
As DS9 said this is probably compartmentalization. Keep what's useful, discard the rest. We all do it, to varying degrees. It may appear blatant and obvious to you, but it is not to her. Maybe she feels guilty and needs to "play family" a bit to try to deal with it. But also be aware that we all are living with different narratives running in our heads, and other people may also be able to point out the inconsistencies and cognitive dissonance. I'm only saying this to suggest you have some compassion that she is going through her own struggle.
Let her deal with her emotions. It's the best gift you can give yourself. Then you can make decisions about what you want to do with confidence.
My W invited me over to trick or treat tonight with the kids. My initial reaction was No, that I don't want to play family. But when I thought about what *I* want to do, on my own terms, I thought... of course I want to see the kids in their costumes and take them around and have fun. Am I enabling my W by doing this? Possibly. Or maybe I shouldn't care at all what she thinks, or what message I am sending. I'm going to spend time with my kids, and I'm going to have fun.
Anyways, it is funny the things they will say and do. Everyone (LBS and WAS) is just trying to cope in their own flawed human way.
Did everyone here have the same realizations and posts today? Lol Myself and other people in multiple threads have been saying the pretty much the same things about balancing our POV and narratives and realizing the WAS with the LBS. Too uncanny. I think today for some apparent reason we all just grew a few more steps.
At times I'm so incredulous as to how unaware my W seems of the situation she's put us all in.
But in her eyes it's all your fault. She's probably incredulous that you don't see that. I'm not saying she's right, but a WAW's perceptions are her reality. She thinks you drove her to take action, and now that you're looking at the wreckage of your M, she's probably angry that you think it's all her fault when she thinks it's you. I don't say stuff like this to defend the WAW, but to explain her mindset. It's one of the reasons why it's important to avoid confrontation and focus on listening and validating- because her feelings, no matter how wrong they seem to you, are her reality.
