Augusto, I agree with Cali on setting a boundary. There are appropriate times for listening and validating, but if your W is completely off the rails like that then that is not the time and that needs to be stopped. It sounds like her tirade was uncalled for, that the girls didn't actually do anything wrong. Next time I would say "there is no reason for you to be yelling at me or the kids like this, please stop or we will leave." Then if she continues, take the girls and leave. Go get ice cream or something. The idea is to put your wife on notice that crazy behavior like that will not be tolerated.
Good point. I have to figure out a way to stop these types of escalations, just me being calm myself doesn't work.
My wife just want the whole D process to be over and done with too, I sense her exasperation with the whole situation.
Lawyer emailed me that they have an earlier date for mediation, a couple of weeks from now. I'm super nervous about it, before it was going to be 1st week of December but her attorney insisted on an earlier date ... crap. I'm not ready for this ...
Been texting with my W about who's picking up who today. She's not happy.
This is "her weekend with the kids", I didn't establish this, she imposed it on me. When it's her "weekend off" (as she calls it) she goes to work and directly from work just goes to her friends house and comes back on Sunday.
I stay home all the time, but today I'm going to do my own thing. So this morning I told her, hey I'm leaving before 7pm, make sure you pick up the kids.
So she starts texting me that she can pick up the 5 year old around 7:15 if I can get her sooner. I said no, I have to leave before 7pm.
Then she asks me if I can take the 13 year old to a dance tonight. I said no, I have to leave by 7.
My 15 year old invented going to dance tonight, I told her *talk to your mom*. Now they're arguing and she's complaining to me about the communication.
I'm fighting to answer what's on my mind .... "On your weekends you are not available as soon as you enter work until sunday .... shouldn't you do all of this like I do when it's your time with the kids"?!?!?
Frustrating ... but more validation that I need to make myself scarce tonight and tomorrow.
This is "her weekend with the kids", I didn't establish this, she imposed it on me. When it's her "weekend off" (as she calls it) she goes to work and directly from work just goes to her friends house and comes back on Sunday.
Frustrating ... but more validation that I need to make myself scarce tonight and tomorrow.
Well done, I love how you held the line without arguing with her, and reframed this from a bizarre "her weekend off" model to a more normalizing "her weekend" vs. "your weekend".
GAL and being scarce are important. My only concern is how she acts towards the children when she has them . Not that you should walk on egg shells or bend to every request to take them but if she’s not able to control her anger around them . Maybe it’s good you increase the time with them .
My H fought so hard to have the children every weekend . I was very against it . I did the opposite and said ok go ahead . Wished him well and made sure to GAL when I didn’t have children or GAL with them .After a few weeks he realized he was running himself into the ground . I didn’t even have to ask for time with them . He just eventually crashed . When he saw the time I was spending with them was more quality and simple rather than quantity it made him think . He’s able to talk some about it now that he moved home .
I was a stay at home mom for many years . I do see the side of just wanting some down time or just breaking free . If I’m being honest you sometimes loose who you are and are just something for everyone . A mom , a wife , a daughter, a cook , a laundry machine but forget who you are . I had good outlets . Great friends . I will say now looking back my H was not supportive enough while I was home and years later resentment built up in me . I’m a newbie here . I think you are doing good .
Good point. I have to figure out a way to stop these types of escalations, just me being calm myself doesn't work.
...
Being calm is good . If it escalates end it right there . You continue to scream I will leave . Then leave . It may take a few times . She may even get angrier . My H got really angry the first time . Sent me a blast of hateful texts after I hung up from his screaming . I ignored them . Later on he talked about it . I just said it takes 2 people to fight . I’ve eliminated myself from the equation . You will get the same response every time you scream or send me anything hateful .He seemed to be a fast learner though . Been weeks and he hasn’t so much as raised his voice .
Last night I went to the divorce group, then went out with a friend a came back home very late.
In the morning, my W sent one of the kids to tell me breakfast was ready, and we ate together. She really wanted to talk, initiating the conversation asking me for the definition of the word "retaliation" (... which she must know ... ?). So I explained, I thought it was some kind of trap ... she started talking about a situation at work, and HR, etc. etc. I listened, and was glad we could have a normal conversation about her work stuff. Very good.
Then we talked with one of our daughters about asking permission for stuff, she did it in a much calm way this time and I was able to back her up.
I got ready to go to a festival far away from home, when I got out of the shower and room my W said "That's a nice shirt! Is it new?" ... first time since BD she's commented on how I look (well the shirt, but still ... lol).
I took kids to a restaurant and left for my trip, kids were probing to see what I was up to.
During the festival, my wife was texting a lot. It was about kid related items, but I felt she communicated a bit more than necessary. She gave me more details on what she bought, and issues with another one of the kids.
Came back late again tonight.
Overall, a good day. I can't believe how 2 days of being away, doing my own stuff may have caused more positive interactions with my W. I should have started doing this a long time ago.
Tomorrow we have 2 activities together, so we'll see how that goes. First is another gymnastics meet for one of our kids, and then we're going to invite some of her friends to eat a birthday lunch with her. Praying that it all goes well!
This morning woke up and we gave our daughter her birthday gifts. Usually my wife would buy everything, even on my behalf, but this year I bought my daughter this fancy hydro flask bottle. My wife gave my daughter a modest gift and wrote "stay tuned" to get her something later ... when she opened my gift my W got teary eyed. I think she felt bad I got her a more expensive gift ... ? Not sure
We went together to the gymnastics meet, W didn't interact with me much, but was happy my D13 did excellently. My W was supposed to take our D5 to a birthday party but at the last minute it was "cancelled". She said the birthday boy got sick. This is the son of one of her close co-workers that she talks to all the time. It seemed suspicious to me.
At with the kids at Panda express, told oldest to ask her mom what she wanted to eat, she didn't want us to order anything for her. Bought her some lo-mein, but I saw it on the fridge and she never ate it. It's like she doesn't want me to buy her any food.
Plan was to take kids and some of D13 friends to eat sushi, with W. But no she tells me I'll take them while she picksup other daugther at dance. I didn't like this, told her I thought the plan was for us to all go together. She told me I wasn't going to change her plans. I told her she could just go herself and I'll just pay and leave, I feel like she's only involving me as a "money source". Went back and forth didn't escalate much but she didn't like that comment. She said she'd stop by the dinner on her way back, and that if I didn't want to feel like a money source to interact with D13 friends.
I should have probably not said the "money source" thing but that's how I've been made to feel this whole time to be honest. Let's see how the dinner goes.
We started birthday dinner with kids and friends, had sushi. W joined us towards the end, she was kind a bit serious. Didn't sit next to me, but didn't sit far either.
In the meet she took a selfie with our daughter and both of us, and at dinner a group picture with all of us.
She asked if she could use debit card, but the balance in our shared account is super low, so I told her to go gas up, I'd follow and use my card to fill her tank.
Was going to open gas tank for her (it's a bit tricky in her card, you need to use a credit card to open the lid) she told me she knew how to do it. So just put card in, she asked me how much to fill up, told her just fill the tank.
Got in car with kids to drive home, she was tearing up/crying a bit when we left her. I don't know what's going on with her. She sent me a thank you text for paying for birthday dinner and gas. I think she may be crying because of lack of funds? Not sure.
She told me during dinner if I could stay with kids, that one of her friends is in the hospital and they need her to help. This is the family of a friend of hers from work, that I don't know very well at all, and she seems very involved with their family. They don't have a lot of money and I think some of them don't speak English very well so she claims to be helping them quite a bit. It's a bit strange to me but not sure what to think ...
