Sorry to hear the the oldies got you down momentarily. My dad's passed a few years ago and I barely speak to my mum, so I don't have that problem usually. My mum's a bit of a drag actually so that's why I rarely speak with her. Your parents mean well though. It helps switching off in your mind when concerned caring people call you up to check in.
How's the dating going mate?
Cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I'm just about ready to get it going in terms of casting some lines. My head in getting into the space where I see potential everywhere. I have an early p.m. party to attend this weekend which is likely to be followed by drinks out and about with some friends, so we'll see what develops.
I'm at 1 year BD, it's just amazing how the time has flown. I feel like a much better person these days. I feel like a combination of having my old mojo back and also new and improved in many areas. It's going to be great to interact with women on a romantic level again.
Not much new in Gekkoland, just been grinding away at work and getting ready for Halloween with the kids. W and I will both go with them trick-or-treating along with some of their friends and their parents. It will be fun. Halloween has always been once of my favorite events, even as an adult. I can deal with W for a few hours, no problem.
I went to a party at some friends' house last weekend, there were about 30 of us there, drinking and eating and having a lot of laughs. On the way there one of my male friends told me that our mutual female divorced friend would be there and that I should be considering hooking up with her. I told him that she had been on my mind a bit, and he said he would be concerned if I hadn't been thinking about her. I thought that was an interesting comment. We hung out in a group and had a great time but she had to leave early so nothing happened. No biggie, no rush, and no expectation of any particular outcome.
W's name came up and I was asked by some of the women there about how things were going. I gave my standard response, it's not War of the Roses, it's fine, it's all about the kids, etc. One of the wives said how much she misses the four of us (her and her H, me and W) going out to dinner and drinks. I said don't worry plenty of dinners to come with me, just with a different date, said it with a big smile. I said you will also get your dinner with W and her new guy and she said "i'm not so sure about that, I haven't talked to her in quite awhile." W is just not that popular these days. I've posted plenty about the comments made about her by my friends and mutual friends. I've said it before I am done piling on, it's high road all the way. The view is much better and the air is much cleaner on the high road.
Over the weekend I hung a few new pieces of art, cleaned some of the garage, cleaned all the bathrooms, did all the laundry, got to the gym, cleaned my car, went to a party, grocery shopped, watched football, planned a trip for after Christmas, put together a Halloween outfit, and chatted up one of my neighbors who is divorced and a complete knockout. Felt like I could have squeezed more fun GAL in but i'm satisfied. Halloween and another weekend coming up, should be a good one.
Still working on finalizing D settlement details. More to come on that in my next post.
Nice one Gekko! Great to see the ladies are showing an interest.
With all those house chores and decorating you do and are familiar with, I can suggest trying during conversation with a lady to mention that - Lady - "Hey Gekko, what are you up to this weekend?" Gekko - "Geez, I've got an exciting one planned! - I'm actually getting stuck into bleaching the shower, cleaning the ceiling fan blades and dusting the skirting boards, and then heading out to buy some new homewares!"
Try it.
Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Thanks DS9, I enjoy the joking banter very much and it usually goes over well.
As I have posted I have been incrementally moving toward getting a dating life going but nothing set yet. I am heading into Month 13 post-BD and Month 3 physical separation. I thought October might be the month that I started but i did not make it happen so it must not have been time. I'm looking forward to it but i won't force it. Once i break the seal it will be game on. In the meantime i have been enjoying my days with the kids immensely and being very productive on my days off. Life has been full.
The settlement with W is coming along and we are down to some finer points that hopefully can be worked out over the next few weeks. I would like to have a signed agreement before the end of the year. I have long since moved on in my head and heart, and I want it formalized legally.
I remain cordial and all-business with the W. I am not quite as short and frosty as i have been, so there is some progress there. We will always have an R to some degree because of the kids. The way things unfold and the temperature of the R in the future is unknown. I know some vets have decent R's with the ex. Every dynamic is different. Something in the cordial to friendly zone is my goal for the kids sake and yes for my own sake as well. It's not healthy to harbor resentment. The more i have focused on the beauty of the present, and the horizon ahead, the less i think about W's past behavior. And my own for that matter. I've accepted my flaws and my role and am going to continue to work to be a better man. It's actually a fun process.
I was open to talk more on the subject but D(5) was done and focused on the art project so I let her lead so to speak.
I imagine from time to time over the months and years I will get these types of questions and the "what happened" question. Maybe not. One day at a time.
Yes R2C time does fly by doesn't it. I have enjoyed every single stage of the kids growth. I love who they are and who they are becoming. I will often put tasks aside to play and do projects with them. I want them to see that it's okay to set things aside for a bit to get quality time together. I don't always set tasks aside because they also need to see that some things need to get done. It's a balancing act. There are lessons to teach every moment of the day. I also learn so much from them as well. It is an incredible experience.
I had a fantastic GAL weekend - drinks out with friends on both Saturday and Sunday nights, hit the gym both days, sold some stuff on Craigslist, kids sports, fun project with the kids, and a ton of tasks accomplished. It feels so good to be really productive. I soaked up a bunch of short self-improvement videos on youtube as well. My weekends for the rest of the year are filling up rapidly with events as the holiday season approaches.
The ball is now in W's court regarding the settlement agreement. I feel we are getting close.
This morning, for the first time, I felt kinda bad for my W. She is so high strung and anxious. It must be horrible to feel that way all the time - easily irritated, frustrated, angry, etc. Like sitting on a powderkeg and everyone around you is holding a book of matches. It's too bad she would not get the help she needed when I suggested it so many years ago. I could have been more forceful and probably made that happen, but I don't blame myself, no no. She is responsible for herself. While I do feel a little bad for her due to the anxiety which she probably wishes she didn't have, there was no need for her to be so nasty, snide, critical, etc. Plenty of people are anxious but don't spew such repulsive BS as she does. There was no need for the constant disrespect. Her anger management issues and nastiness are downright corrosive. Toxic.
I cannot begin to explain how happy I am to be out of the daily line of fire. I run my house without oversight, without anyone hovering and trying to control everything, without condescending comments, criticism, eye-rolls or "mmm-hmms" if you know what I mean. The sense of relief has been incredible. I never let W control me or get away with her BS remarks without a response from me, I never laid down and cowered and took it, but the constant power struggle and verbal sparring was exhausting.
So I am going through a D, and with a PMA things are better than they have been in a long time. It's not pump-myself-up BS. I am a better Dad, better son, brother, friend and person today than I was when the M was banging up on the rocks week after week. You know how you can go outside in the sun after a rainstorm and everything looks clearer, more focused, more vibrant? That is my view these days. No, life is not all sunshine and rainbows, but so what, it's still pretty great to be alive. The possibilities of what the day holds, or the week, or next year, are really endless. It's exciting. There is zero chance that a R that went bad is going to derail my train, there is just no way. I have too much to be thankful for and too much to look forward to. Big cheesy smile on my face now...
I hope everyone here in the States had a great Thanksgiving. We all have different sitches and lives with varying degrees of stressors but there are always things to be thankful for, and I hope everyone finds those things. And commits to filling their lives with more of them.
As for me Thanksgiving was great, spent it with old friends who host many events. 15 of us, including my kids and yes W was there. I originally got the invite from my friends (older married couple), and then they followed up saying that W was also welcome if that would make things easier. They are "my" friends from long before I knew W. W does not typically communicate with them or see them without me, and they know all about the details of my sitch, we are that close.
W was the first one to raise doing Thanksgiving together and asked me what my plans were. I told her about my friends hosting and she said she would like to go and do it with us. Personally I really did not want her there and came close to saying so (nicely...) but with the kids in mind I said okay, then told my friends and they added W to the text group. I felt at the time it was the right decision for the kids sake on a holiday, especially since it is so early in life-change process, and now that the day is over I feel the same, it was the right call.
Several times at the event I had 1-on-1 conversations off to the side with another female friend who was there whose H just filed for D. She said she was sorry to hear about me and W. I gave her some insight into the process and let her know she could reach out to me anytime. We talked mostly about positive fun stuff and had some great laughs. She's attractive but I'm not interested in her at all romantically. I think W definitely noticed our interactions from across the room. I spent zero 1-on-1 time with W.
W initiated physical contact with me for the first time since BD. She was trying to get past me in the kitchen with a tray of food and I had my back to her, and she stuck her butt out and knocked my leg as if I were in the way. I turned as she went by. I noticed she had plenty of room to get by without doing that. Then later she wanted a "family" photo of us with kids, which I obliged. My S was between W and I but she put her arm behind S and across to me, with her hand on my back, which she left there just a tiny bit longer than necessary after the picture was taken. At the end of the night, W left first and when saying goodbye tried to hold my gaze longer and her eyes had a flicker to them. So based on these developments the D is definitely off and we are now R'd....!!!!
I'm not looking at these tiny subtle little things from W at 13 months post-BD as having any consequence whatsoever. Whether a temp check, or feeling emotional and nostalgic at the holidays, or jealous due to my interacting with another woman, or an olive branch for friendship, or too much wine, or......, at the end of the day none of it really matters to me. I don't care enough to read the tea leaves or mind-read, I just don't. Why not? Because W would have to radically change some fundamental core parts of her personality in order to get me interested again. Otherwise, why in the world would I ever consider going back for more of the same? No chance, as in zero chance. I have faced the hard truth that I want to be with a woman whose is the opposite of W in many ways. While there is a certain sadness that comes with this realization, there is also an incredible feeling of liberation, and hopefulness and excitement for a future R with an amazing person who has what I'm looking for.
So again the question arises why am I here if I am not trying to DB? What value does my story offer? Is it helping or hurting all those here who so desperately want to R? I know posting here has helped me tremendously, but at what cost to others? I doubt I'll provide the successful R story that so many want to hear, one that will make them feel like maybe it will happen for them too. Most others here won't provide that success story either I'm afraid, but at least they have a DB goal of saving their M and are thus more relatable. I've got a different thing going in my sitch, a different mindset. So sure I wonder what am doing here on a DB forum? I have felt compelled to surf here and post about my sitch, that's all I can say, so here I am again. But I continue to have a lot to think about as I am turning the page to a new and more incredible life.
